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jamespowers
08-03-2004, 09:48 PM
I was just thinking that many a time I have gone into a bar and heard some of the funniest jokes there. Perhaps it is a bit indelicate of me to assume that we can do the same here but I will posit forth an example and you all can chime in with your opinions.
Here we go:
Old Mule

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again.
Complain,...nag, ......nag; it just went on and on....
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. ....Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked. The man replied: "They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
LOL LOL LOL

Regards to all,

J

P.S. No mules were harmed in the writing of this joke. ;)

Marlowe
08-04-2004, 05:57 AM
This is an ethnic joke--a Norwegian joke to be specific. If you're Norwegian and might find it unsettling to have a joke told about your race, I implore you to find another post now, before your delicate sensibilities are outraged.

Furthermore, a Norwegian joke isn't just a Polack joke with Norwegians in it. A good Norwegian joke has a character all its own, and wouldn't sound quite right if you just made the characters in it Polish.

Anyway, here goes:

One day, up there in Minnesota, Lena was baking a pie for herself and her husband, Oli. As she stuck the pie in the oven and was about to get started on whipping up some cream to spread on the top, she realized the the cream had gone bad.

"Oli! Quick! Run down to the store and get me some cream!" she cried.

So Oli ran out and jumped in the car and drove off.

He returned quite some time later with a black eye and his clothes rumpled and torn.

"Goodness, Oli! Whatever happened to you?" asked Lena.

"Well," replied he, "I run down to the store like you told me, but they was all outta cream, so I figure I better keep going. So I'm drivin' along and I see this sign out in front of this building that says 'Crematorium,' so I stops in and I says, 'Hey, fellas! What's cookin'?'"

Andykev
08-04-2004, 02:34 PM
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ballpark. The game is
real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack
Daniel's with soft drinks.

Finally one of them passes out. Soon they realize that the bottle is
almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players
are on base?



Think!



Think some more!!




Ready?......


Answer:





It's the bottom of the fifth, one out, and the bags are loaded

jamespowers
08-04-2004, 03:45 PM
Darn. I got all of it in advance except the part about the bags being loaded. LOL LOL

regards to all,

J

jamespowers
08-06-2004, 08:22 AM
This is not a joke but it sure makes sense to me and in the end it makes me smile. So here it is:


I LOVE THIS COME BACK !!!!!!!!!
Originator unknown
As some of you may know, one of my sons serves in the military. He is still stateside, here in California. He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them also.


But he also told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the US flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock.

The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly, "yes, I always wear it and I probably always will."

The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi.

A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: "Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid."
Everyone within hearing distance cheered.

Canadave
08-06-2004, 10:32 AM
The above tale originated in a chain letter. From www.breakthechain.org -

Tales of unappreciative foreigners getting their comeuppance at the hands of a quick-witted "patriot" are popular during times of war. The ethnicity of the rebuff's recipient varies with whomever the U.S. is currently at war, but tales of insolent Arabs have been plentiful since 9/11. Other popular missives in this genre tell of a Budweiser truck driver who pulls his company's product from a convenience store's cooler after supposedly witnessing employees celebrating the destruction of the World Trade Center and the Minister who shames a Muslim cleric into admitting that his is a violent religion.

There are two possibilities regarding the origins of the story above:

It is true, but was intended for a few recipients who knew the author well; or

All or parts of it are made up from whole cloth.

Unfortunately, as written, it gives no clues that could help us validate it. It's not dated and the author does not identify himself or herself, nor does he or she give the identity of the son (not even which branch of "the military" he serves). While we're told it happened in California, we're not told which city or even the name of the grocery store. Without these facts, we must label this one rumor. It is quite possible that the author assumed those who would receive it would know enough to properly categorize it. But, it's equally possible that it is fanciful fiction built around a long-standing tradition of urban legend.

E-mail cannot be relied upon to accurately convey information. As this one circulates, it is taking on many aspects of legend. Later versions add 'detail' absent from the one above, such as the "the whole store broke out in applause," and "the woman abandoned her purchase and ran from the store, ashamed." Also, some who have forwarded it have inadvertently added their contact information to it, setting them up for a case of False Attribution Syndrome. Break this chain.

jamespowers
08-06-2004, 10:41 AM
Hmm. Interesting. That's ok. The next time I am in that situation I will make the story true myself. :D

Regards to all,

J

Marlowe
08-06-2004, 02:32 PM
It has been my experience that Iraqis who live here in the United States of America are very supportive of American foreign policies. (With, perhaps, an exception it the case of our policies toward Israel.) I don't know for sure, but I'd bet that this story is apocryphal.

jamespowers
08-06-2004, 02:54 PM
Originally posted by Marlowe
It has been my experience that Iraqis who live here in the United States of America are very supportive of American foreign policies. (With, perhaps, an exception it the case of our policies toward Israel.) I don't know for sure, but I'd bet that this story is apocryphal.

I am glad the ones you meet have been so supportive. Out here they are either silent or vehemently against US policy. I suppose it is no different from the general population out here though. I mean it is California. LOL LOL

Regards to all,

J

P.S. If you decide to come out here, don't forget to go to the largest Bum Petting Zoo---San Francisco. LOL LOL Don't forget change! ;)

jamespowers
08-07-2004, 04:39 PM
This joke is one that I was sent not too long ago. I laugh everytime I read it. It also provides an interesting lesson to the young.

Regards to all,

J

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

LOL LOL LOL

Michael Mallory
08-09-2004, 05:34 PM
Here's the funniest stupid joke I know (or maybe the stupidest funny joke):

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

Buh-DUM-bump.

jamespowers
08-19-2004, 12:49 AM
From one retiree to another:

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in
there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was
a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how
about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a piece of dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age!

jamespowers
08-19-2004, 12:54 AM
I know we have all heard our share of these but there are a few new ones in here. LOL LOL


Brand New Edition of "You know you're a redneck when..."
>
> 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>
> 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
>
> 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>
> 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
>
> 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
>
> 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
>
> 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
>
> 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
>
> 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
>
> 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>
> 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
>
> 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
>
> 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
>
> 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>
> 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
>
> 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>
> 17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
>
> 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
>
> 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
>
> 20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
>
> 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
>
> 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
>
> 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
>
> 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

> 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
>
> 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
>
> 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
>
> 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
>
> 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
>
> 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
>
> And last, but not least...
>
> 31. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!

jamespowers
08-25-2004, 08:52 PM
Subject: Efficiency Expert




Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize
the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the
soup pot and was then replaced.

This took an awful lot of Zeb's time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could
tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all. Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. but, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize, but also the Pulletsurprise.

The Wingnut
08-25-2004, 10:18 PM
More redneck stuff, continued...

32. You've ever mowed your lawn and found a car.

33. Said car was on cinder blocks.

34. If your porch collapsed, it would kill more than 2 dogs.

35. Your porch has as much furniture as your living room, and more appliances than your kitchen.

36. Your pickup truck is so old, the radio still picks up Winston Churchill speeches and ballgames at the Polo Grounds.

37. There is at least one shotgun mixed in with the umbrellas by your front door.

38. When you take a walk, your wallet is on a chain and your dog isn't.

39. 'Dressing up' means that you put on a shirt under your overalls and shoes on your feet. Socks are optional.

jamespowers
08-25-2004, 10:34 PM
Those were good additions. I will have to check my list for more Redneck qualifications. :D
Check out this one!


KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, went to a nearby
supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her
sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,
with both
hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to her car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open,
and she looked very strange. He asked her if
she was okay.
Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the
paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and
Linda
refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in,
they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gun shot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She had initially passed out, but quickly re-covered and tried to
hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to
her aid.
And yes, Linda is a blonde.
LOL LOL

jamespowers
08-28-2004, 11:33 AM
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Romantic Favors"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Age They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Crusher!.

17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile...Its Called

Therapy...

Renderking Fisk
08-29-2004, 10:26 AM
Marlowe: Have you ever heard the one about the Norwegan who loved his wife so much he almost told her?

jamespowers
08-30-2004, 03:07 PM
Originally posted by Renderking Fisk
Marlowe: Have you ever heard the one about the Norwegan who loved his wife so much he almost told her?

I like it. ;)

Marlowe
08-31-2004, 12:09 PM
I liked that one.

How about this one?



What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?

Trilingual.



What do Call someone who speaks 2 languages?

Bilingual.



What do you call someone who speaks only 1 language?

An American.

jamespowers
08-31-2004, 09:36 PM
This is not a joke but a true account. I know it sounds like a joke but the punch int eh punchline is quite telling. ;)
If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop was. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender running
several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?


A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer,
do you have a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
lock your locker in a room you share with those same
officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire
court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known
to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a
prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand
has been nominated for this year's best comeback line
and I think he'll win.

jamespowers
09-17-2004, 11:17 PM
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623,097 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si', Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ...And The Sheep Are Scared

Andykev
09-22-2004, 12:53 PM
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Retro Grouch
09-22-2004, 01:27 PM
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.....and a mop.

up196
09-23-2004, 05:12 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist ?

He didn't believe in doGs.

jamespowers
09-23-2004, 08:51 PM
Does this remind you of something? hahahahaah

Yes, this could be quite the surprise!

Good reason to learn English

jamespowers
09-28-2004, 02:54 PM
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Andykev
10-02-2004, 08:29 PM
This guy is driving down the road

out hopps a rabbit in his path

he can't stop in time

wack thump he hits the bunny

the guy screeched to a halt and runs back to this D.O.A bunny in the road

he has never hit anything in his life...and he's sad

Surely this must have been someone's pet

he is standing there feeling worse and worse

this woman comes past and wonders about the comotion

she gets over to the man and looks down at the dead bunny and asks what happened

The man says he couldn't stop in time, and now he feels terrible

The woman smiles softly and says, don't worry, I can fix it

she reaches into her handbag and pulls out a spray can

she gently leans over the rabbit and sprays the can all over the body

soon, the rabbit jumps up turns a circle, and begins to hop down the street again

as the bunny hops away, it turns to smile and waves

it hops and waves, hops and waves hops and waves...all the time waving and waving

the man is overcome, and he thinks he just saw a miracle

he asks the lady what happened and grabs the can from her

he looks at the lable on the spray can

and it says:

"Restores Hair- Permanant Wave"

jamespowers
10-02-2004, 09:15 PM
hahahhahahahah! I love it! Permanent Wave! Your killing me. LOL
Very good addition.

Regards to all,

J

up196
10-13-2004, 01:18 PM
A young Russian girl married an Englishman and moved with hm to London.

One day she went to the market, and after much difficulty trying to ask for chicken legs, she began flapping her arms and clucking and then lifted her skirt and pointed to her thighs. The butcher understood, smiled, and sold her chicken legs.

The next day, the young bride returned the the market. She wanted to buy chicken breasts, and after flapping her arms and clucking, she opened her blouse and pointed. The butcher understood, smiled, and sold her chicken breasts.

The next day, she went to the market for sausages, so she brought her husband along with her . . .

up196
10-13-2004, 01:21 PM
Originally posted by up196

The next day, she went to the market for sausages, so she brought her husband along with her . . . . . . because he spoke English.

What . . . What did YOU think . . . get back to the Lounge!

jamespowers
10-24-2004, 09:52 AM
A cowboy was working his herd in a remote pasture
when suddenly a brand- new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
give me a calf?" The cowboy looked at the Yuppie, then at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out a Dell notebook computer,
connected it to an AT&T cell phone, surfed to a NASA Internet site,
called up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location, which he then fed to another satellite
that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. He then opened
the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
With in seconds, he received an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
had been processed and the data stored. He then
accessed a SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploaded all of this data via an email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed out
a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer and turned to the cowboy saying, "You have
exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take
one of my calves," said the cowboy.
He watched the yuppie select an animal and looked on in amusement as the
young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy said to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thought for a second and said, "Okay, sure."
"You're a consultant for the Kerry campaign," said the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how on
earth did you guess that?"
"Well," answered the cowboy, "you showed up here even though nobody
called you. You wanted to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. And you don't know a thing
about my business. Now let my dog out of your trunk."

jamespowers
10-24-2004, 09:53 AM
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord.

"God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."


Smith asks, " Can I have a penny?"


The Lord replies, "In a minute.

farnham54
10-24-2004, 10:48 AM
James Power's signature reminded me of a quote:

Ben Franklin: Beer is God's proof that He loves us and wants us to be happy.

regards,

Craig

jamespowers
10-24-2004, 11:41 AM
Yep, and since the proof is in the putting then we might as well have another round. Oh, Bartender..... LOL

Regards to all,

J

farnham54
10-25-2004, 11:30 AM
Here are some more:

Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer. -- Homer Simpson

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that
I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in
the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools.----Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!-- Brian O'Rourke

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza.--Dave Barry

Remember "I" before "E",except in Budweiser.
--Anon

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
--Anon

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Jack Handy

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.
--Benjamin Franklin


Regards

Craig

jamespowers
10-30-2004, 10:00 AM
A bald man with a wooden leg got invited to a Halloween party. Being extremely sensitive about both, he didn’t know what costume to wear that would best hide both his head and his leg. In desperation, he wrote to a costume company and explained his dilemma. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:



Dear Sir,



After carefully considering your request, we’ve selected a pirate’s costume for you. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you’ll be perfect as a pirate.



Very truly yours,



Acme Costume Co.



The man was outraged by the fact that the costume company had emphasized his wooden leg. He promptly returned the package with an acrid letter of complaint.



A few days later he received another package and a note, which read:



Dear Sir,



We apologize for not thinking your problem through. After due consideration, we’ve replaced the pirate’s costume with a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and your bald head will look like a monk’s tonsure.



Very truly yours,



Acme Costume Co.



This doubly outraged the putative customer. Not only had the costume company stressed his wooden leg, now they were pointing out his bald pate. He scribbled off a nasty letter, stuck it with the costume and shipped it back.



In due course he received a small package with another note that said:



Dear Sir,



Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your head, stick your wooden leg up your posterior and go as a caramel apple.



Acme Costume Co.

jamespowers
10-30-2004, 10:03 AM
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU’RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING


10. Knocking on the door winds you.
9. You have to ask the neighbor’s kid to chew your candy for you.
8. You only want high fiber candy.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag you loose your balance and fall over.
6. People exclaim, “What a great Keith Richards mask? but your not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick…? and can’t remember the rest.
4. At the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You’re careful to choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood using a walker.
1. You avoid the houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live.

jamespowers
02-10-2005, 11:50 AM
Well, it has been a while since I posted a joke or two here so here it goes again:

Where are those hippies now?

1970: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair

1970: KEG
2005: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2005: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office

1970: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system

1970: Disco?!
2005: Costco

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2005: Depends

AND

Will this generation ever understand where we came from so fast?

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They have never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

jamespowers
02-10-2005, 11:52 AM
Or how about this one?

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" :p

jamespowers
02-11-2005, 05:41 PM
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.



CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.



TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment

SHARPETOYS
02-13-2005, 09:22 AM
Men understanding women!! :rolleyes:

http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z

Mycroft
02-13-2005, 09:46 AM
A woman walks into a bar:

She says to three guys at the at the bar, "I will guess your university."

She says to the first guy, "you went to Ohio State."
He responds, "how'd you know??"
She says, "you look like the athletic, football watching type."


She says to the second guy, "you went to Harvard University."
He responds, "how'd you know??"
She says, "you look like the preppy, hard wroking type. "

She says to the third guy, "you went to Washington University in St. Louis"
He responds, "how'd you know??"
She says, "you look like the I say your class ring while you were picking your nose."


No offense to anyone who attended any of these schools.

Canadave
02-27-2005, 04:52 PM
Check this (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/pingpong.php) out, it's pretty hilarious!

David

Mycroft
02-27-2005, 06:07 PM
I saw that too, its really funny.

Kent Allard
02-28-2005, 12:54 PM
My grandparents generation fought the Nazi's...
My generation is afraid of carbs.

Mycroft
02-28-2005, 02:31 PM
I like that one.

Fuente
03-01-2005, 01:41 PM
If the opposite of Pro is Con...

What's the opposite of Progress??

Rich

Mycroft
03-01-2005, 03:33 PM
I like that one.

jamespowers
03-01-2005, 04:14 PM
If the opposite of Pro is Con...

What's the opposite of Progress??

Ex-Con-gress? :p

Regards to all,

J

Sergei
03-02-2005, 09:57 AM
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on
the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"son...what happened last night?"


"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran
into the door."


"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"


His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!"


Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38


Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

Mycroft
03-02-2005, 01:55 PM
Ha Ha...I like that one.

rue
09-07-2011, 02:43 PM
Bump :)

V.C. Brunswick
09-07-2011, 03:06 PM
Why do I feel like I'm out of my league???
Oh, I know. It says "Clean Jokes." :(

http://www.freesmileys.org/emoticons/emoticon-cartoon-013.gif

HoosierDaddy
09-07-2011, 03:09 PM
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage the USA has ever known. Following are a few of his observations:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience...and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

LoveMyHats2
09-07-2011, 03:50 PM
Very good ones already posted, make me chuckle a bunch.

A short one....what do you call a female person that is always "stirring" up trouble?....

Miss Chief

Another dim witted one: The Pilgrims all came over here in 3 ships with Columbus to the New World, and those ships are the Pinta, Nina, Santa Maria....

So now, how did all the doctor's get over here?.....

(blood vessels).....lol!

One more then I will take my beating......hahah!

Athletes get athletes foot....and what do Astronauts get?.......

(Missle Toe)

flat-top
09-07-2011, 04:04 PM
Two guys were playing chess. One said to the other "let's make this interesting!"
So they stopped playing chess.

LizzieMaine
09-07-2011, 04:21 PM
This guy walks into a theatrical booking agency with a mangy-looking dog, and goes up the guy at the desk, one of those hard-boiled agent types. The guy's all excited and points to the dog. "I got the greatest act in the world here, the greatest act in the world! It's a talking dog! A Talking Dog, can ya believe that? I got one right here. Lookit, I'll show ya. OK Boy, what's my name? What's my name?"

The dog goes "Rlph!"

"See there, he said 'Ralph.' OK boy, what's on top of a house? What's on top of a house?"

The dog goes "Rffff."

"See, he says 'roof!' Good boy! Now, who was the greatest baseball player, the greatest baseball player?"

The dog goes "Rttttth"

"Good boy, good boy! See there, he said 'Ruth!'"

The agent's had about enough of this, and he kicks them both out of the office. And they're out there on the sidewalk, and the dog looks up at his master. "Gee, ya think maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

dhermann1
09-07-2011, 04:36 PM
Hmmmm . . . so the Pilgrims came over on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. . . . . :p

Atticus Finch
09-07-2011, 04:55 PM
The three-legged dog walks into the saloon and takes seat at the bar. He orders up a wiskey and downs in it a single gulp. After a moment, he looks around the room, eyeing some men at the other end of the bar. With a toothy, sinister grin...he says...

I'm here alookin' the man that shot my paw....

AF

Mr. Hallack
09-07-2011, 05:37 PM
It's in German (sort of)

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Flipped Lid
09-07-2011, 08:38 PM
A plumber shows up to repair the kitchen sink. There is a huge Doberman lying in the corner and a parrot in a cage. The lady of the house says, "I have to leave for an appointment. The dog is mean and he'll bite, but he will be fine as long as you leave him alone. Don't talk to the parrot. He is a troublemaker. Leave the bill on the table and I'll send a check." The lady leaves for her appointment.

The plumber fixes the sink, but before leaving he is overcome with a desire to hear the parrot talk as he'd only seen one on television. So he tries to strike up a conversation with the parrot.

"What's your name?"

Silence.

"C'mon, what's your name?"

Silence.

"Would you like a cracker?"

Silence.

"I said, would you like a cracker?"

Silence.

The plumber takes a wary glance toward the corner to see if the dog is still behaving himself. He then turns back to the parrot and says, "You must be the dumbest parrot that ever lived. Can't you say anything?"

The parrot slowly turns his head toward the dog and says, "Sic 'em."

Johnnysan
09-07-2011, 09:29 PM
An old farmer and his dog are riding a horse cart to market. Growing annoyed at the lackadaisical pace, he takes the whip and gives the horse a sharp rap on the flank. The horse turns and says: "Hey, don't hit me!" The farmer replies in amazement: "I didn't know that you could talk." The dog turns and says "That's funny, neither did I."

flat-top
09-07-2011, 09:58 PM
I'll clean this one up a bit.

A lady is walking down the street one day and passes a parrot in a cage outside of a pet shop.
"You fat pig" the parrot says as she walks past. "He couldn't have been talking to me" she thought to herself and kept walking.
The next day she walks past the same shop with the same parrot outside. "You fat pig" says the parrot again.
Now she wonders if it really is talking to her.
The day after that she walks past the shop yet again. "You fat pig" the parrot says. Enraged, she storms into the shop and demands that the owner do something about this. He apologizes and assures her that it will be taken care of.
The following day she walks past the shop. The parrot just stares at her. The woman is pleased and continues on her way. But then the parrot says "Hey lady" She replies ".......yes?" And the parrot says "You know."

Espee
09-07-2011, 10:17 PM
Do you suppose various collections of clever (and "homespun") remarks have had Will Rogers' name stuck on them, whether or not he said them or wrote them? A similar thing has happened to Andy Rooney, Robin Williams, George Carlin etc. in more recent times. I'm just sayin'...

davidraphael
09-07-2011, 11:10 PM
Here is a German joke that I always love because it's just so absurd. And yes, I've written it correctly.


Question: "What's the difference between a bird?"

Punchline: "They're both got legs of the same length, particularly the left"

Tiller
09-07-2011, 11:22 PM
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy."

Talbot
09-08-2011, 03:43 PM
Not a joke, but funny nonetheless.


http://www.happyplace.com/3645/the-best-obnoxious-responses-to-misspellings-on-facebook

BigFitz
11-07-2011, 08:50 AM
Apologies if this has already been posted.

"My dog has no nose."

"How does he smell?"

"Terrible."

rue
11-07-2011, 08:53 AM
^ lol

BigFitz
11-07-2011, 12:33 PM
Here's a corny one:

What did the snail riding a turtle say?

YEEHAAWWWW!

Marc Chevalier
11-07-2011, 12:47 PM
Here's one:

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

rue
11-07-2011, 12:50 PM
Here's a corny one:

What did the snail riding a turtle say?

YEEHAAWWWW!

wow.... that's pretty bad lol

rue
11-07-2011, 12:50 PM
Here's one:

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

*giggle*

rue
11-07-2011, 01:04 PM
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

Bruce Wayne
11-07-2011, 01:24 PM
I got this one from Scotrace on Facebook, but I had to modify it to make it clean:

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I hate to rhyme, Potato.

Bruce Wayne
11-07-2011, 01:30 PM
I got this one from Scotrace on Facebook, but I had to modify it to make it clean:

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I hate to rhyme, Potato.

A woman goes to visit her parents & decides to make them dinner. Shortly after arriving, her father comes into the living room to watch TV. After a few minutes she hears her father exclaim "These appatizers sure are terribile!" She goes into the living room to see what her dad is eating since she didn't make any appatizers. When she gets there she finds him munching on some portpourri!

Dubya
11-07-2011, 01:36 PM
NEWS FLASH!

A small light aircraft has crashed into a ferris wheel at a funfair in New Jersey today

A Police spokesman said the pilot is slowly coming round

:D

Dubya
11-07-2011, 01:38 PM
My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.

I thought she was joking.......................and then I saw her face

:)

Dubya
11-07-2011, 01:41 PM
I was walking past my fridge earlier today, when I thought I heard an onion singing a BeeGees song, but when I opened the fridge door I could see it was just a 'Chive Talking'.........................:p

HoosierDaddy
11-07-2011, 02:01 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3i6lK7EyVc

lolly_loisides
11-07-2011, 02:15 PM
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...........

"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

Atticus Finch
11-07-2011, 02:23 PM
A ventriloquist has car trouble and stops at a small farm house far from town. The lonely farmer invites him in for supper. After supper, the farmer offers to show the ventriloquist around his modest farm. As they walk by the chicken coop, the ventriloquist decides to have some fun at the farmers expense. He throws his voice so as to make the chickens appear to be talking, telling the ventriloquist how happy they are living at the farm and how well they are treated by the farmer. Needless to say, the farmer is astonished, but he keeps quiet. Next, they walk through the barn where the horses and cows also appear to be talking, praising the farmer for his good animal husbandry. By now, the farmer is dumbfounded but, still, he remains quiet. As they walk in silence, they approach the sheep pen. Suddenly, the farmer can no longer stand it. He looks the ventriloquist straight in the eye and says,

Pay no attention to these sheep. Sheep lie.

AF

Kabel
11-07-2011, 02:31 PM
How's this for corny :p

Two fish are in a tank. One fish looks to the other and says: "hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

lolly_loisides
11-07-2011, 02:57 PM
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

randooch
11-10-2011, 09:22 AM
https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=28fc3314c1&view=att&th=1338e1f14d3f78cd&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw

Bruce Wayne
11-10-2011, 11:50 AM
Randooch, the image isn't showing up.

randooch
11-10-2011, 04:50 PM
Weird. It shows up fine on my screen . . .

Retro_GI_Jane
11-10-2011, 04:56 PM
Because it's stored in your cache. Right clicking the x..looks like you posted a link to an email message?

LizzieMaine
11-10-2011, 05:50 PM
This guy is cleaning out his attic and finds an old box of papers that belonged to his great grandfather. "Hey, look at this," he says to his wife. "Insurance policies, a bankbook, check stubs -- and hey, what's this? Looks like a claim check for something -- ah, it's a claim check from a shoe repair store. Dated September 7, 1913. How 'bout that."

The wife takes a look at the claim check and says "Hey, you know what? I know where this shop is -- in fact, I think it's still in business, same family's been running it forever. Let's go down there and show it to them -- I bet they'd get a kick out of it."

So they go downtown and it's this little hole-in-the-wall shop, all grimy and dusty, with a little counter at the front, and they walk in and ring the little bell. And the owner comes out from behind the curtain at the back of the shop, a little old gnomish looking man with an apron on, shoe polish all over his hands. And they show him the claim check. "We found this in our attic, it's for a pair of shoes my great-grandfather brought in in 1913. Isn't that neat?"

The shoe guy squints at the ticket, wipes off his glasses, takes a closer look, and excuses himself and goes into the back of the shop. A few minutes later he comes back to the counter.

"Be ready next Tuesday."

Dan Rodemsky
11-10-2011, 06:18 PM
All those clean parrot jokes reminded me of the story a lonely man who decided to buy a parrot for companionship. The shop owner assured him that the parrot could speak. Unfortunately, when he got the bird home, all it would do is swear a blue streak! The man returned the parrot to the store but the shop owner would not take the return. He had guaranteed that the bird would speak, not the content. Dejected, the man brought the bird home, with it swearing all the way. After some time, he could not take it any longer. In frustration, he threw the bird in the freezer! There was silence... He started to get worried. He didn't want to harm the bird, he just couldn't stand it any longer. He pulled the shivering bird from the freezer. The bird said "Dear kind sir, I am so sorry for my actions and I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I promise that I will never behave like that again." The man was starled but relieved. Then the parrot asked "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

1961MJS
11-11-2011, 08:45 AM
Hi

If you're Blond and might find it unsettling to have a joke told about your hair color, I implore you to find another post now, before your delicate sensibilities are outraged.

How to you know if a blond is a good cook?


Wait for it...


She can get the Pop-Tart out of the toaster without breaking it.

Later

randooch
11-11-2011, 12:20 PM
HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13 . . .13 . . .13 ."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14 . . .14 . . .14 ."

Mr. Hallack
11-11-2011, 05:57 PM
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(then your supposed to die laughing!!)

Philip A.
11-11-2011, 09:06 PM
Hi

If you're Blond and might find it unsettling to have a joke told about your hair color, I implore you to find another post now, before your delicate sensibilities are outraged.

Later

Why on Earth would someone have to apologize before to tell - or post - a joke???

It is most irritating to see the extent to which political correctness pervades every aspect of life...

And it is saddening to realize that one vintage thing that sorely misses in these days, is the freedom to express oneself without worrying about which minority will take offence for whatever is said or done - whether it is a joke, or the simple truth.

PoohBang
11-11-2011, 09:43 PM
Why on Earth would someone have to apologize before to tell - or post - a joke???

It is most irritating to see the extent to which political correctness pervades every aspect of life...

And it is saddening to realize that one vintage thing that sorely misses in these days, is the freedom to express oneself without worrying about which minority will take offence for whatever is said or done - whether it is a joke, or the simple truth.

I think there's actually a word for that "one vintage thing" you speak of....

1961MJS
11-12-2011, 02:38 PM
Why on Earth would someone have to apologize before to tell - or post - a joke???

It is most irritating to see the extent to which political correctness pervades every aspect of life...

And it is saddening to realize that one vintage thing that sorely misses in these days, is the freedom to express oneself without worrying about which minority will take offence for whatever is said or done - whether it is a joke, or the simple truth.

Well, actually I copied it from a previous clean joke because I thought it was hilarious in itself. I guess I should have know better with a blond joke.

Later

davidraphael
11-12-2011, 02:55 PM
A surreal Bavarian joke:

Question:
What's the difference between a bird?

Answer:
They've both got legs of the same length, particularly the left.


I hope this joke hasn't offended any birds, Bavarian surrealists, or Mangoes

PistolPete1969
11-13-2011, 08:09 AM
Since we have quite a few gun enthusiasts in here, thought it might be fun to post this.

YOU MIGHT BE A GUN-NUT IF:

You think the smell of Hoppe's No 9 gun oil is an aphrodisiac
Your friends & family seek your advise on gun purchases
Someone new comes over to your house and you have to move all the guns from the corners of the rooms & on top of every flat surface
You clean your house and find a gun you forgot you had
You purchase an new gun, only to find you have two just like it in your gun safe
A buddy buys a new gun and you start looking for ammo for it so YOU can shoot it
You pick up brass at the range for a caliber you "might" someday own
Your wife/girlfriend has ever had to utter the words, "Honey, can you move this gunstock so I can take a shower?"
You go through your "box-o-gun-stuff" only to discover you have accessories for guns you haven't had in 5 years
Your friends tell you, "If the world's gonna end, we're coming over to your house"
The county sheriff's SWAT guys have your number on speed-dial

Enjoy


Pete

AtomicEraTom
11-13-2011, 11:36 AM
Oh yeah, this describes my family lol lol lol


Since we have quite a few gun enthusiasts in here, thought it might be fun to post this.

YOU MIGHT BE A GUN-NUT IF:

You think the smell of Hoppe's No 9 gun oil is an aphrodisiac
Your friends & family seek your advise on gun purchases
Someone new comes over to your house and you have to move all the guns from the corners of the rooms & on top of every flat surface
You clean your house and find a gun you forgot you had
You purchase an new gun, only to find you have two just like it in your gun safe
A buddy buys a new gun and you start looking for ammo for it so YOU can shoot it
You pick up brass at the range for a caliber you "might" someday own
Your wife/girlfriend has ever had to utter the words, "Honey, can you move this gunstock so I can take a shower?"
You go through your "box-o-gun-stuff" only to discover you have accessories for guns you haven't had in 5 years
Your friends tell you, "If the world's gonna end, we're coming over to your house"
The county sheriff's SWAT guys have your number on speed-dial

Enjoy


Pete

1961MJS
11-14-2011, 07:02 AM
Hi

Personally, I go through ammo like a knife through butter. I have several friends that are more on the hoarder type. One buys 5K rounds for each gun when he buys it, then shoots say 50 rounds through it. If the Feds EVER decide to confiscate everything they're going to all die of massive hernia's at this dude's house.

I buy 5K rounds for a .22LR, then I have to buy more next year...

later

rue
11-14-2011, 12:11 PM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After
sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell
that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Atticus Finch
11-14-2011, 01:23 PM
A redhead goes into the doctor's office and tells the doctor that every place on her body hurts. So as to add emphasis, she uses her right index finger and touches herself on her arm, on her leg, on her head and on her foot. "Everyplace", she exclaims, "Everyplace I touch hurts!"

The doctor examines her for a while and finally asks if she is a natural redhead. She hangs her head a bit and admits to him, no, she's actually a natural blond. "Yes", he says, "That makes sense."

The doctor waits a moment and then says, "Well, the good news is that you're generally in excellent heath."

"The bad news is that your finger is broken."

AF

Miss Moonlight
11-14-2011, 01:36 PM
It is most irritating to see the extent to which political correctness pervades every aspect of life...

And it is saddening to realize that one vintage thing that sorely misses in these days, is the freedom to express oneself without worrying about which minority will take offence for whatever is said or done - whether it is a joke, or the simple truth.

There have always been people who would tell jokes without care of the subject matter, and there will always be people who'd perhaps consider the audience first in case it should cause hurt, and there will always be some who won't tell offensive jokes at all. It's not necessarily PC to be a respectful person. It's not a vintage thing to not be or to be. It's very individual. In my mom's family in the past you would *never* hear an off color or race-based joke. In my dad's you would have. All in the same eras.

My favorite clean jokes are all so silly, I'm pretty sure they can be told to second graders. Like the joke about complimentary peanuts.

Man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer.

He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter while he's waiting, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

Bartender says, "Oh, those are just the complimentary peanuts."

Atticus Finch
11-14-2011, 01:40 PM
A redhead is driving down a county road and sees a blonde sitting in a rowboat out in the middle of a green, grassy cow pasture. The redhead stops and hollers over the pasture fence to the blonde, Hey, girl, what are you doing in that boat? Rowing! answers the blonde. Dumbfounded, the redhead hollers, Dang, woman, does it surprise you that most folks think blondes are dumb? Blondes aintt dumb! screams the blonde. And if I could swim, Id come over there and kick your redheaded ass for saying that!

AF

lolly_loisides
11-18-2011, 01:36 AM
What's the difference between ignorance & apathy?
Who knows? Who cares?

davidraphael
11-18-2011, 02:59 AM
What's the difference between ignorance & apathy?
Who knows? Who cares?

nice.

What the hell is an agoraphobic when it's at home?

(not sure if the 'when it's at home' idiom works in the US)

Chas
11-18-2011, 05:26 AM
A Canadian, an American and a Scotsman go on vacation together. They rent a car and go for a drive- the driver loses control of the car and they slam into a huge tree.

There is a brilliant white flash of light and they see the pearly gates with an old man sitting in front of the gates, poring over a ledger. They look at each other, shrug their shoulders and approach him.

"New arrivals, I see. I am St. Peter. Please give me your names and birth dates." They do so.

after flipping through his ledger, St. Peter has this crestfallen expression..."Oh, darn. There was a mistake. You're not supposed to die yet. Under regulations, I can't take you in, and they won't take you into Hell either. So I have no choice but to send you back. I do, however, have to charge you $20 for a processing fee."

The American brightens up immediately and digs $20 out of his wallet and pays St. Peter.

There is another brilliant white flash of light and the American finds himself in a field, the paramedics working feverishly to revive him. When they see that he is practically unhurt, they are amazed and ask him what happened. He replies, "well....we died, then we were at the gates of Heaven and St. Peter said we could come back if we gave him $20."

"what happened then?" replied the paramedic.

"Well....the last thing I remember was that the Scotsman was trying to haggle St. Peter down to a lower price and the Canadian was loudly demanding that the government should pay for it..."

V.C. Brunswick
05-14-2012, 03:29 PM
A redneck with a bucket of fish near a stream is caught by a wildlife officer. The officer says, "You're under arrest for being over the limit."

"But those are my fish, I bring them here once a week and let them swim around. When I whistle they jump back into the bucket and we go home." The officer says "This I've got to see. Release them and have them come back." The redneck dumps the fish in the stream and officer says "O.K. now get 'em back!"

"Get what back?

"The fish!" says the officer.

"What fish?" :rolleyes:

Moral of the story: Never mess with a redneck! :p

Atticus Finch
05-14-2012, 03:41 PM
Speaking of fish...

What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall?

"Dam."

AF

Kirk H.
05-14-2012, 03:58 PM
A man who is tired of his nagging wife goes to see his friend Artie who is a professional Hit man. He says “Artie, I cannot stand my wife. I want to pay you to kill her.” Artie tells him “Man, I hate your wife more than you do. I will do the job for free.” The man says “Artie, I just can’t do that on principle. I have to pay you something.” Artie looks at him tells him that he will do it for one dollar. They both agree and shake hands.
The next day Artie goes to the man’s house while he is at work and rings the door bell. The man’s wife answers the door and Artie strangles her. Just as he is finishing up, the maid walks up and screams. Artie then strangles her. As he is finishing up the butler comes up to see why the maid scream and Artie is forced to strangle him too. Artie then runs away and is arrested a few hours later.


The next day’s headlines read “ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR”

Espee
05-14-2012, 11:37 PM
Goodman Ace told this one, or something like it:
As an advertising gimmick, a large clock was installed on top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. But the next time the government surveyors made an inspection, they found that the weight of the big clock was causing the Leaning Tower to straighten up!
So now that they had the time, they no longer had the inclination...

Espee
05-14-2012, 11:41 PM
Goodman Ace also said his wife Jane tried to prompt him to re-tell that joke when they had company-- saying, right in front of everyone, "Tell the one about Now that they have the time, they don't have the inclination."
A bit like Miss Moonlight did above, with the Complimentary Peanuts joke!

Espee
05-14-2012, 11:49 PM
nice.

What the hell is an agoraphobic when it's at home?

(not sure if the 'when it's at home' idiom works in the US)

Does that idiom connect to George Harrison's line in A Hard Day's Night? "And who is this 'Susan,' when she's at home?"

derrickyoung
05-15-2012, 04:24 AM
Advice for a Scottish Wife
A woman goes to her Doctor in Glesgae, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinnae know wot ta do. Every time ma auld man comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was a effin brilliant! Evrae time ma auld man came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc....wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

Espee
05-15-2012, 10:40 PM
That Scottish Wife joke has a short parallel, which I heard in a stand-up act--
WIFE: "Have you considered taking an Anger Management Class?"
HUSBAND: "Have YOU considered taking an Anger PREVENTION Class?"

Saint-Just
05-16-2012, 12:27 AM
Not sure this totally qualifies as "clean", but it is the sort of humour I enjoy and wanted to share.
Those 2 (Armstrong and Miller) have a lot more to offer if you browse the tube selection :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teYdynxxZKs

rocketeer
05-16-2012, 01:49 AM
My favourite, I'm sure its a Tommy Cooper joke.

Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A dog applies for job in an international bank.
The interviewer asks the dog. "Are you computer literate?" In 2 minutes the dog has presented a Word document and an Exel spreadsheet for inspection.
"Very Good" says the interviewer. Then asks "Can you use a telephone?" For quickness the dog dials the speaking clock.
"Most importantly are you bilingual?"
The dog looks blankly at the interviewer, then mutters....... "Meow"

Sorry they are the best I can do:o

RichardH
05-17-2012, 01:50 PM
Not sure this totally qualifies as "clean", but it is the sort of humour I enjoy and wanted to share.
Those 2 (Armstrong and Miller) have a lot more to offer if you browse the tube selection :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teYdynxxZKs I like the ones where they are two RAF pilots talking like chavs or something. Hilarious!

Saint-Just
05-17-2012, 02:58 PM
There are many very good RAFs but I was not sure the language would pass muster on this thread :D

AmateisGal
05-18-2012, 11:06 AM
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

You can roast beef, but you can't pea soup.

*da dum!

scottyrocks
05-19-2012, 06:11 AM
This just in . . .

A man was found dead in a vat of falafel condiment.

Police are considering it a hummiside.

1961MJS
05-19-2012, 07:34 AM
Hi

Speaking more of fish:

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it. The man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or talk".

Later

Dubya
05-19-2012, 09:28 AM
Our local ice cream seller was found dead yesterday covered in raspberry syrup and crushed nuts!



The Police think he topped himself!




.......................I'll get my coat! :whistle:

Dubya
05-19-2012, 09:35 AM
My mate made his girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle.
Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her miserable face as we were bouncing around, she is so ungrateful.

Dubya
05-19-2012, 09:39 AM
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Dubya
05-19-2012, 09:54 AM
My missus told me to buy something to make her look sexy.






.............so I bought 12 cans of extra strength lager!

Dubya
05-19-2012, 10:00 AM
I've booked a table to celebrate my wedding anniversary with my wife tonight.


I think it'll end in tears, as she's hopeless at snooker!

J.W.
05-19-2012, 10:18 AM
Excellent, Dubya! :D

Dubya
05-19-2012, 10:21 AM
Excellent, Dubya! :D

Cheers J.W. ;)

V.C. Brunswick
05-19-2012, 10:34 AM
A young man wins the lottery and he rushes home to share the good news. His dad asks what he's going to do with the money and the young man says, "Well I'm going to do all the things I've ever dreamed of doing. I'm going to buy myself a Lamborghini, perhaps take a trip around the world." Then the young man stops to think and says,"Oh yes, and for everything you've done for me, Pops, I'd like to give you... Fifty dollars"

The father then says, "Why this is a surprise. Fifty dollars you say?

"Yes, I feel quite generous if I say so myself. So Pops, what are you going to do with your fifty dollars?"

"Ya know, son," says the father, "I think I'll use it to go and marry your mother."

"Marry my mother??? You know what that makes me, doesn't it???

"Yeah, and a cheap one!"

DeaconKC
05-19-2012, 03:07 PM
Two Irishmen, Mickey and Seamus, are in a lifeboat in the middle of the Atlantic. Looking around, they find an old, beat up lamp under the tarp. There is some faded writing on the side and when they rub it, there is a small puff of smoke and slowly a tired and wrinkled genie crawls out of the lamp. He looks them over and says "Boys, I am old, tired and worn out. I've only got one wish left, so you better make it a good one." Mickey pipes up "I want you to turn the whole ocean into Guiness Beer." The Genie nods and with a puff of smoke, disappears, leaving them afloat on beer. Seamus leans over and slaps Mickey upside the head. :Now what you go and be doin' that for?" "You bloody fool, now we have to pee in the boat!"

mflemming
05-22-2012, 09:44 PM
The Pope is sitting at his desk one fine spring morning. Suddenly the doors to his study burst open and several Cardinals, breathless and disheveled come running in, shouting "Your Holiness, your Holiness, this is it, THE BIG ONE! Its the Second Coming! Christ is riding across St. Peter's Square on a donkey! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?"

The Pope calmly picks up his pen and says "Look busy."

Espee
05-25-2012, 11:02 PM
The Pope's secretary shouts excitedly, "Your Holiness! On the phone... GOD is on the phone, and wants to speak to you... however... I think I should tell you... he's calling from Salt Lake City."

Undertow
05-29-2012, 02:59 PM
Orville the farmer gets up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.
“Is this one one one one?”, says the voice.
Orville says, “No, this is eleven eleven.”
“Are you sure it isn’t one one one one?”
Orville shakes his head and says, “No, this is eleven eleven.”
“Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night.”
Orville replies, “That’s all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway.”

This used to make me laugh to tears when I was a kid.

Philip A.
09-29-2012, 10:36 PM
I caught my seven year old son as he was about to steal cookies from the pantry. I growled in his back:

"If I were you I wouldn't do that."

He turned, startled for a second, then replied "No... But you'd play with Auntie Mary's breasts when mom is at work."

"There's chocolate in the fridge, and the marshmallows are in the left drawer." said I.

Davy Crockett
10-05-2012, 05:49 AM
Heard an old Les Dawson one yesterday it goes;

Every year the mother in law comes round for Christmas Dinner,

we're going to have a change this year,

we'll let her in!

nice hat dude!
10-22-2012, 01:52 AM
An elderly gent is walking through the park watching birds,all of a sudden he hears a little voice say mr mr he looks around doesn't see anything continues walking,he hears the same little voice again mr mr down here he looks down and sees a frog reaches down picks it up,the frog says if you give me a kiss I turn into a beautiful princess and would grant you anything you would like,the old gent puts the frog in his pocket and continues walking,again the frog says mr mr didn't you hear what I said?the old gents says yes I heard you but at my age I'd just as soon have a talking frog

JonnyO
10-22-2012, 02:04 AM
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are actually wanted.

nice hat dude!
10-22-2012, 10:40 AM
An alligator walks into a bar,asks the barkeep if they serve alligators he says yes.Alligator says I'll have a beer
barkeep says I can't serve you,alligator tells him that he said he serves alligators,barkeep says we do but you have to be seated,alligator looks up and down the bar doesn't see any seats,little skinny girl at the end of the bar so alligator goes down there eats the girl and takes her seat calls barkeep and ask for a beer again barkeep tells alligator can't serve you,alligator very angrily says to barkeep you said if I was seated you could serve me,barkeep says yes that's right but you're on drugs,alligator really pissed says what do you mean I'm on drugs,barkeep says...wait for it...that was a barbituate,(love that joke)

LizzieMaine
10-22-2012, 11:30 AM
These three guys marry three women. One of the gals is from Missouri, one is from Georgia, and one is from Maine. A few months after the weddings, the three guys get together in a bar to share experiences.

The guy who married the girl from Georgia says "Well, I tell ya, it's great. I sez to her on our weddin' night, 'When I come home I wanna see the house cleaned, the washin' done, and I wanna see a meal on the table.' Well, it took her a couple days but now when I come home I see the house cleaned, the washin' done, and a meal on the table."

The guy who married the girl from Missouri says "I said the same thing. I says 'I want to see the house cleaned, the clothes washed, and a meal on the table.' Took her a little longer to come around, but I got home after the first week, and the house was spotless, the clothes all folded and put away, and the best meal I ever saw was right on the table."

The guy who married the girl from Maine says, "I said to my wife, 'You need to clean the house, you need to do the laundry, and you need to get me a full meal every night. That's just how it's going to be.' Well, the first week I didn't see anything. The second week I didn't see anything. But the third week the swelling had gone down enough that I was able to see a little bit."

nice hat dude!
10-22-2012, 11:41 AM
Ok last one I promise,3 strings standing in front of a bar 1st string walks in orders a drink barkeep tells him we don't serve strings turns and leaves,2nd string walks into the bar same thing gets told they don't serve strings, comes back out to his 2 buddies tells them what happened,3rd string messes himself all up walks into the bar orders a drink barkeep comes over and says to him I told your 2 friends we don't serve strings in here aren't you a string 3rd string says.......fraid not(frayed knot)...groan....aren't you glad it's the last one(haha)

jamespowers
10-22-2012, 11:46 AM
Geez! I completely forgot about this thread and it has gone on for 8 long years now. That is great. Ok, now I have to add something. :p

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his dinner before it was cool. :p

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

C44Antelope
10-22-2012, 10:27 PM
I heard this on the Grand Ole Opry (Not always the best place to hear new jokes, but I thought this one was good.)

the joke...
Thanks to the World Wide Web 2 unlikely criminals met up and planned a heist. One was a student from the University of Florida, the other was a student from the University of Tennessee. The plan was to both drive to a small town south of Atlanta & rob a bank. When they took off in opposite directions, they were sure the cops would be confused, at worst, one of them should get away. But, the bank guard had a heart attack & died due to the excitement of the arrest. Then the 2 bank-robbers were caught by the local police while in the process of splitting the haul.

Years later as they sat on death row the warden of the prison came to each of the bank robbers and explained that their latest request for a pardon had been refused. They would go to the gas chamber at midnight. He then said, I can offer you each one last request. The Volunteer said "Could you play Rocky Top on the loudspeaker for me?" The warden said it could be arranged. He then turned to the Gator, who asked "Can you take me to the gas chamber before you fire up the sound system?"

(It sounded funnier than it reads.)
(They gave me a chihuahua?)- that one WAS funny

Dixon Cannon
10-22-2012, 10:45 PM
A British gamekeeper is sure he heard a shot not far off so he goes to investigate.

A poacher has just shot a goose and is in the process of field dressing him before he bags him.
He catches a glimpse of the game keeper coming up over the bank of the river, sos he quickly tosses the bird in the water and put his foot on the pile of feathers. The bird bobs in the shallows along the shore.

The gamekeeper, sure hes caught im a poacher red-handed calls out, Hey you! Watcha doin with that bird there?

Quick on his wits the poacher calls back, Oh im? Hes just in for swim - Im minded is clothes!

(Ah thank you! Thank you very much!) -dixon cannon

Mr Lilleythorpe
10-23-2012, 08:28 AM
Protons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic.

Mr Lilleythorpe
10-23-2012, 08:31 AM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

jamespowers
10-23-2012, 03:04 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”


All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

nice hat dude!
11-01-2012, 12:02 AM
3 elderly gents were sitting on a park bench when a pretty girl in a miniskirt walks by,1st gent says I'd sure like
to kiss her,2nd gent says I'd sure like to kiss her and hug her,3rd gent says I'd sure like to kiss her,hug her and
what else did we use to do?

jamespowers
11-01-2012, 08:42 AM
3 elderly gents were sitting on a park bench when a pretty girl in a miniskirt walks by,1st gent says I'd sure like
to kiss her,2nd gent says I'd sure like to kiss her and hug her,3rd gent says I'd sure like to kiss her,hug her and
what else did we use to do?

:rofl: Yep, the memory is always the second thing to go. :p

jamespowers
11-01-2012, 08:45 AM
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps.
After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.:eeek::eusa_doh:

jamespowers
11-01-2012, 08:47 AM
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

nice hat dude!
11-01-2012, 01:00 PM
:rofl: Yep, the memory is always the second thing to go. :p

Some nights this isn't a bad thing...(haha)

nice hat dude!
11-01-2012, 01:17 PM
Old guy walking through the care facility where he's a resident,repeating over and over my penis is dead,my penis is dead.Nurse comes up and ask what the problem was,old gent repeats himself again,nurse assures him that he'll be fine.Next day nurse sees the old guy walking through the facility with his pants around his ankles runs up to him and ask what's going on?old guy says............today is the viewing.
Sorry if this one's a little risque

jamespowers
11-01-2012, 01:29 PM
Some nights this isn't a bad thing...(haha)

:rofl: You might have a point there.

nice hat dude!
11-01-2012, 02:52 PM
Yuppie cruising in California one day in his convertible BMW,arm hanging out the window stereo blasting,Oakleys on you get the picture.Anyway a car blows through an intersection in front of him and t-bones him,police on scene yuppie saying over and over my Beamer my Beamer, cop looks at him and says I wouldn't be worried about your car your arm was hanging out of the window at the same time yuppie looks down at his mangled arm and starts screaming.....my Rolex my Rolex

Dixon Cannon
11-01-2012, 09:15 PM
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a guy on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.


'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

-dixon cannon

nice hat dude!
11-11-2012, 08:13 PM
Old ranch couple out at a bull sale see a pen with a bull and a sign saying the bull bred 24 cows last year,the old lady gives the old man a nudge and says you see that twice a month for a year.The old man just says yes dear,walk a little farther another pen with another bull,sign says bull bred 52 cows last year,the old lady damn near knocks the wind out of the husband and says you see that once a week for a whole year,the old guy says yes dear,walk some more another pen and another bull,sign says bull bred 365 cows last year,the wife almost breaks the old mans ribcage and says once a day for a year you see that.The old guy says dear you see that guy over there he's the owner of this bull go and ask him if the bull bred the same damn cow everyday!!

nice hat dude!
11-19-2012, 01:19 PM
Subject: FW: Chicken Gun
To:







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Chicken Gun






Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.


British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.


When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.


The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.





NASA responded with a one-line memo --





"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)










No virus found in this message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 2013.0.2793 / Virus Database: 2629/5905 - Release Date: 11/19/12

jamespowers
11-19-2012, 04:55 PM
Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.


British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.


When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.


The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.





NASA responded with a one-line memo --





"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

I had seen that one before but it is still funny. :p

Benny Holiday
11-19-2012, 10:46 PM
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid . . . then I was petrified . . .


A friend of mine recently admitted that he was addicted to drinking brake fluid. When I asked him about it, he assured me that he could stop anytime.


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her brithday, so I went to the pet shop in town and saw that they were $70! Forget that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


My neighbour came knocking on my door last night at 2:30am - can you believe that??? 2:30 in the morning! Just as well I was still up practising my bagpipes.

jamespowers
11-20-2012, 10:22 AM
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Lynx
11-20-2012, 01:29 PM
A grandfather is pleased to take his grandson out to the golf range with him on his weekly game. The boy was excited as he gets to hang out with grandpa and ride with him in his fancy new Cadillac.

On the way to the course the grandson asked about every little switch in the car with amazement. When they arrived at the golf course they exit the car and went to the trunk to get grandpa's golf clubs out; and grandpa also picks up a bag of tees out of the trunk and puts them in his bag.

The young grandson curiously asks his grandpa "what are those and what are they for?"
The grandpa replies," these are tees; they are for putting you balls on when driving."
The boy looks up at his grandpa and replies in amazement, " Gee grandpa, the people at Cadillac sure think of everything!"

(replace with car make of your choice)

Lynx
11-20-2012, 01:40 PM
A guy strips down completely and wraps his mid section with a roll of saran wrap and then walks in to a shrink; standing there, the shrink looks at him and says "Well...... I can clearly see you're nuts"

----------------------------------
what type of Bees make milk?








(boobies)


-------------------------------

The dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac will often stay up late and ponder if there really is a dog.

Lynx
11-20-2012, 01:48 PM
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says “I’m lonely.
I wish my friends were back here.”

Benny Holiday
11-20-2012, 05:10 PM
The young grandson curiously asks his grandpa "what are those and what are they for?"
The grandpa replies," these are tees; they are for putting you balls on when driving."
The boy looks up at his grandpa and replies in amazement, " Gee grandpa, the people at Cadillac sure think of everything!"

(replace with car make of your choice)

Hahaha! That's a ripper Lynx!


A man comes home drunk, and his wife demands to know where he's been. "I've been to this amazing bar!" he slurred. "It's called the Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden! They have a big golden door, golden floors - they even have a golden urinal!"

"I don't believe it," his wife said, but she found a receipt from the place in his pocket the next day and called the number.

"Hello, is this the Golden Saloon?" she asked.

"Yes it is," the bartender said.

"Do you have golden doors and golden floors?"

"We sure do."

"What about golden urinals?" the wife inquired.

There was a long silence and then she heard the bartender yell, "Hey Steve, I think I know who peed in your saxophone last night!"

nice hat dude!
11-20-2012, 06:12 PM
A recently divorced gent is walking down the beach kicking sand all of a sudden he spots a lantern gives it a rub
and sure enough a genie appears the genie say I grant you 3 wishes but whatever you wish for your ex wife gets double.So the guy says I wish I had 10 million dollars genie says fine but now your ex has 20 million,guy says I wish to have a 20 room mansion on this beach whoosh up goes a 20 room mansion and right beside it up goes a 40 room mansion,genie asks what would you like for your last wish.....................guy says I wish you would beat me half to death.(you ever wonder why they never ask for a bunch more wishes or more lanterns?)

nice hat dude!
11-20-2012, 06:43 PM
Are we ever going to get sick of these Magic Lantern jokes?A truck driver finds a lantern gives it a rub and poof
a genie appears.The genie tells the trucker that due to the way things are with the economy that he can not grant the customary 3 wishes that now you only get 1,so the trucker thinks for a bit and says ok I've always wanted to go Hawaii but I'm scared of flying and I don't like boats either I wish you would build me a bridge so I could drive there.The genie gets out a pen and some paper starts doing some calculations and he's humming and hawing about 45 minutes go by and the genie asks the trucker if maybe there would be something else instead that he could wish for,the trucker sayssure I wish I could understand women better,how they think,what make them tick so the genie says...............................that bridge 2 lane or 4(haha)

jamespowers
11-21-2012, 10:21 AM
Dan hated dogs, he hated them with a passion. One morning Dan was driving his car down a busy street when to his surprise he saw ahead of him a fellow running full force with 2 big dogs after him. Ive just got to save this guy, thought Dan, and with that he quickly sped up along side of him, rolled down his window, and screamed hurry, hop in! Thanks! said the fellow opening the door, its always hard for me to get a ride when I have my two dogs with me!

jamespowers
11-21-2012, 10:23 AM
An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."

"I do," replied the octogenarian. "Give me a hand.":p

nice hat dude!
11-21-2012, 02:13 PM
2 Newfs are going moose hunting to a fly out camp,pilot meets them at the dock and the Newfs are just pissed
drunk pilot asks them if they're sure they want to go as hunting can be dangerous.Newfs say of course boy wees gotta get da meat fer da winter,so the pilot tells them to load up.They get out to the camp and pilot asks them again if they still want to be there as he doesn't come back for a week Newfs tell him its ok so he takes off and leaves them.A week later pilot shows up and the Newfs are ready to go back and they each have a moose so they start loading up but the pilot tells them that the plane can't handle the weight of all their gear and both moose,well the Newfs start getting mad and start calling the pilot down telling him that the pilot last year could do it why can't you and wees not gonna pay for an extra trip,the pilot not wanting to be out done by the competition gives in and says ok load everything up.They start heading down the lake in the plane just get it off the water and slam into a mountain,the pilot comes to a little while later and asks one of the Newfs where they are Newf replies........................."about 50 feet farther than we made it last year"

Dixon Cannon
11-21-2012, 04:11 PM
His name was Ole, he was from North Dakota ... And he needed a loan.

So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International

redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan, so the Dakotan handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The
car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

Ole produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
Ole from ND for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
$5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of North Dakota, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Ole'!

jamespowers
11-21-2012, 04:14 PM
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

nice hat dude!
11-21-2012, 07:40 PM
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

That's good!!

nice hat dude!
11-22-2012, 02:02 PM
A young lad from(pick a state)is taking his road test for his Truck Driver license,the instructor tells him part of his test is verbal so he asks him if you top a hill start coming down and at the bottom there is a jack knifed flat deck what do you do? The young guy thinks for a minute then says I'd reach into the sleeper and wake up my partner.The instructor ask him why he would do that at such a time? the young lad says................cause Leroy ain't never seen a wreck like we're gonna have.

nice hat dude!
11-22-2012, 02:23 PM
3 people are at the immigration office,the immigration officer tells them that there is a new procedure that now part of the process is you have to know something about our customs so I'm going to ask each of you a question.He asks the 1st person what Valentines day is about.guy says oh that's when you put on costumes and go house to house getting candy,immigration officer informs him this is wrong and he'd have to return to his own country and learn a little more about Canada.He asks the 2nd person what Christmas was about,guy says oh that's when you wear green,drink beer and sing Irish songs,again immigration officer tells him this is wrong and he'll need to go back to his own country and study a little more Canada culture.He asks the 3rd person what Easter is about,the guy says oh that's when Jesus died on the cross and they put him in a tomb, the immigration officer was very impressed and ask him what happened next............the guys says after 3 daysthey rolled the rock away and he saw his shadow and said there'd be 6 more weeks of winter!!

nice hat dude!
11-22-2012, 02:33 PM
Again I would like to apologize to anyone that I may have offended with some of these jokes that I've posted this
was never my intention and have since removed any that may have been to risque for this thread..Thanks

Sincerely Bob Kirschman

nice hat dude!
11-28-2012, 03:11 PM
Everyone has heard of Little Johnny well in Canada we have Little Pierre,anyway the kids are all in English class
at school and the teacher asks them to give her story with the word Ozonol in it.So Sally says that she was riding her bike and fell off and scraped her leg and her mom put Ozonol and a bandage on it and made it better, Teacher says very good Sally.Billy says that he got a bad sunburn and his Mom put Ozonol on his back and it stopped stinging,Teacher says very good Billy.Well Little Pierre says(done in your best french accent) me and my dad we're big hockey fan and we were watching the Stanley Cup last night and it was tie 2 to 2 for Montreal and it was the last game and my Mom tooked out the vacuum and started to vacuum the floor,well my Dad say if you don't shut that thing off I'm going to shove it up your @#% Ozonol !!

I hate to have to write this but please don't get upset I know it's not perfectly clean but it is funny and jokes are strictly for a little humor now and then,they're not meant to upset anyone.
Sincerely Bob Kirschman

DeaconKC
12-02-2012, 04:37 PM
An older gent decides to start dating again, so he gets all spruced up. New sport coat, silk tie, etc. Goes to a place known for older singles and sees a lovely, elegant lady there. He walks up and says, "Excuse me lovely lady, but do I come here often?"

nice hat dude!
12-03-2012, 05:33 AM
NASCAR=Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
FIAT=Funny Italian Attempt at Technology
NAVY=Never Again Volunteer Yourself
COMPUTER=Capable Of Making Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous
PMS=Potential Murder Suspect
PMS=Pass My Shotgun
PMS=Psychotic Mood Shifts
HONDA=Hold On Not Done Accelerating
TOYOTA=The One You Ought To Avoid

this one guy
12-03-2012, 09:28 AM
Do you suppose various collections of clever (and "homespun") remarks have had Will Rogers' name stuck on them, whether or not he said them or wrote them? A similar thing has happened to Andy Rooney, Robin Williams, George Carlin etc. in more recent times. I'm just sayin'...

Yogi Berra once admitted "I really didn't say everything I said".

jamespowers
12-03-2012, 11:07 AM
Pearly Gates--The pilot and the priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

nice hat dude!
12-03-2012, 02:56 PM
Ok two more
GOLF=Gathering of Old Lazy Farts
CHEVROLET=Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

Lynx
12-03-2012, 03:10 PM
At a medical conference a Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

nice hat dude!
12-03-2012, 04:43 PM
OK here's a real groaner(but at least it's clean)
Why are Blonde jokes so lame wait for it................so the rest of the people can understand them told you it was bad.

Having WYBMABIITY printed on your shirt so when people come up and ask what it means you can say
Will You Buy Me A Beer If I Tell You

nice hat dude!
12-03-2012, 06:54 PM
Newfie gal comes home one afternoon and says to the husband,I think I'm pregnant,the husband says what do you mean you think you're pregnant why don't you go to the doctor.The wife says I was just there,husband asks what did the doctor say wife says he told me I'd have to have a urine test and I didn't know what that was so I came home.The husband says yea I understand how that could be a problem,he thinks for a minute and says to the wife go down the street to the Murphy lady's house cause she's got more education than us and ask her what it is.So the wife leaves returns in about an hour with a bleeding nose ,torn dress ,black eye and a fat lip the husband asked what happened the wife says I did like you said and I asked her what a urine test was,she told me to piss in jar I told her to s@#t in a bucket and the fight was on!!...Don't you hate that it takes 5 minutes to write these out and only 1 minute to read them.

Dixon Cannon
12-03-2012, 07:44 PM
I just received this from a friend via eMail, what a hoot! To anybody who has ever shopped at 'Harbor Freight' for a tool, this should strike a cord (or the funny bone!) ≈

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/dixon-cannon/HarborFrateTools.jpg
http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/dixon-cannon/Harbor.jpg
http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/dixon-cannon/Harbor_.jpg
http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/dixon-cannon/Harbor-.jpg

-dixon cannon

Dixon Cannon
12-03-2012, 07:48 PM
I may have posted this some years ago, but it is certainly worth another laugh for the new folks - talk about vintage fashion!... not exactly the "Golden" Era! ≈

http://www.lileks.com/institute/dorcus/7.html

-dixon cannon

nice hat dude!
12-03-2012, 07:54 PM
GMC=Got Mechanic Coming
FIAT=Fix It Again Tony
Anybody buy one of those new(choose make)trucks that come with the heated tailgates so your hands don't freeze when you're pushing them.

Dixon Cannon
12-03-2012, 10:35 PM
Now.... go back up there to #187 and read the fine print this time - you're missing a good laugh.... go on!!!

-dixon cannon

nice hat dude!
12-04-2012, 02:17 AM
Now.... go back up there to #187 and read the fine print this time - you're missing a good laugh.... go on!!!

-dixon cannon
Mr.Cannon I did read most of the fine print and I got a good chuckle I enjoyed the sale prices being double the regular prices and I'm saving up for my new Cordless Hammer,you wouldn't happen to know if they come in 24 volts instead?

vitanola
12-04-2012, 10:10 AM
In passing along the street the other day, I noticed a man standing by a tree looking up. I was curious and looking up I saw a Ford car in the top of the tree. I asked the man how it got there and he said, "Why, I was cranking it and it slipped out of my hand."


Why is the Ford like a millionaire baby?
Because it has a new rattle every day.

A Ford owner had no speedometer. "I don't need one at all. At ten miles an hour the hood rattles, at fifteen the radiator rattles, at twenty the top rattles and at twenty-five miles an hour the transmission falls out.

An Office conversation overheard.

Owner of Oakland: "I have just taken my car to the repair shop; it will cost $135 to get the damage fixed."
Friend: "What was the trouble?"
Owner of Oakland: "Oh, I bumped into a Ford."
Friend, laughing: "What did it do to the Ford?"
Owner of Oakland, indignantly: "It didn't do a thing to it; it merely knocked it into a ditch and bent one of the fenders."


I live in Ford country.
On a quiet summer evening one can hear the gentle pitter-patter of the doors falling off the Chevrolet sedans.

sheeplady
12-04-2012, 10:35 AM
A man has three visitors from three different countries: A Texan, an Italian, and a Newfoundlander.* He brings all three of them out on his porch and points out into the distance to a neighbor's property and asks them what they see and to spell it:

The Texan says, "Well, that's a ranch! R-A-N-C-H!"
The Italian says, "Well, that's a villa! V-I-L-L-A!"
The Newfie says. "Well, that's a farm! E-I-E-I-OH!"

*or fill in your chosen nationality here- I originally heard it as a Newfie- but really it could be any nationality.

jamespowers
12-04-2012, 11:07 AM
I just received this from a friend via eMail, what a hoot! To anybody who has ever shopped at 'Harbor Freight' for a tool, this should strike a cord (or the funny bone!) ≈

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/dixon-cannon/HarborFrateTools.jpg
http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/dixon-cannon/Harbor.jpg
http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/dixon-cannon/Harbor_.jpg
http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h44/dixon-cannon/Harbor-.jpg

-dixon cannon

I need the whale gutting knife. :p

nice hat dude!
12-04-2012, 03:23 PM
In passing along the street the other day, I noticed a man standing by a tree looking up. I was curious and looking up I saw a Ford car in the top of the tree. I asked the man how it got there and he said, "Why, I was cranking it and it slipped out of my hand."


Why is the Ford like a millionaire baby?
Because it has a new rattle every day.

A Ford owner had no speedometer. "I don't need one at all. At ten miles an hour the hood rattles, at fifteen the radiator rattles, at twenty the top rattles and at twenty-five miles an hour the transmission falls out.

An Office conversation overheard.

Owner of Oakland: "I have just taken my car to the repair shop; it will cost $135 to get the damage fixed."
Friend: "What was the trouble?"
Owner of Oakland: "Oh, I bumped into a Ford."
Friend, laughing: "What did it do to the Ford?"
Owner of Oakland, indignantly: "It didn't do a thing to it; it merely knocked it into a ditch and bent one of the fenders."


I live in Ford country.
On a quiet summer evening one can hear the gentle pitter-patter of the doors falling off the Chevrolet sedans.
Mr. Vitanola,you of course do know why Ford And Peterbuilt have the oval emblems?.....They both circle their mistakes (haha)

vitanola
12-04-2012, 03:53 PM
Mr. Vitanola,you of course do know why Ford And Peterbuilt have the oval emblems?.....They both circle their mistakes (haha)

Oval?

The Ford emblem is a winged triangle, isn't it?
http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk22/viva-tonal/ford_model_t_ad.jpg


What pray tell is a Peterbilt?

Is it some sort of truck, like a Republic or a Federal?




http://youtu.be/hUzxcApgdUc

nice hat dude!
12-04-2012, 04:05 PM
Oval?

The Ford emblem is a winged triangle, isn't it?


What pray tell is a Peterbilt?

Is it some sort of truck, like a Republic or a Federal?
Now that's funny(haha)

Dixon Cannon
12-04-2012, 07:25 PM
I need the whale gutting knife. :p

You know for the same price you can get two of the Mohel knives and have brisket in the freezer! Personally I'm hoping for the 80-Piece Rotary Nose-Picking Kit - what a time saver that would be! You have to admit, whoever did this is pretty damn clever! I'm still laughing at it! -dixon cannon

jamespowers
12-04-2012, 07:28 PM
You know for the same price you can get two of the Mohel knives and have brisket in the freezer! Personally I'm hoping for the 80-Piece Rotary Nose-Picking Kit - what a time saver that would be! You have to admit, whoever did this is pretty damn clever! I'm still laughing at it! -dixon cannon

It is clever that is for sure.

That nose kit reminds me of the tool in Total Recall. :p

Espee
12-04-2012, 10:56 PM
I heard Will Rogers say "Henry Ford was the first man to take a JOKE and make it PRACTICAL" and I've heard references to "Ford jokes," but this is the first time I've seen any of them (old ones.)

this one guy
12-05-2012, 07:56 AM
You know for the same price you can get two of the Mohel knives and have brisket in the freezer! Personally I'm hoping for the 80-Piece Rotary Nose-Picking Kit - what a time saver that would be! You have to admit, whoever did this is pretty damn clever! I'm still laughing at it! -dixon cannon

Well, I'm going for the SOME KIND OF GAUGE, a bargain for $9.99. Perfect for the guy who has everything. :)

vitanola
12-05-2012, 08:13 AM
I heard Will Rogers say "Henry Ford was the first man to take a JOKE and make it PRACTICAL" and I've heard references to "Ford jokes," but this is the first time I've seen any of them (old ones.)


http://youtu.be/KnkRzgJi7QA

nice hat dude!
12-05-2012, 01:40 PM
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway.
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


My memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Also my memory is not as sharp as it use to be.

jamespowers
12-05-2012, 02:16 PM
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway.
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


My memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Also my memory is not as sharp as it use to be.

The memory is always the second thing to go. :p

TheGreyPiper
12-05-2012, 03:07 PM
Nice! I've heard a version of that where it's a funeral procession led by a man with a dog on a leash, then some mourners and a long line of men. The man explains it's his wife's funeral, the dog did it, and "You think I could borrow that dog?" "End of the line, pal."

nice hat dude!
12-05-2012, 03:12 PM
The memory is always the second thing to go. :p
There's been a few nights when I wished it was the 1st thing.(haha)

nice hat dude!
12-05-2012, 05:34 PM
An elderly lady decided to prepare her will and she told the preacher she had two final requests.
First I would like to be cremated.
Second I would like my ashes spread over Wal Mart
Wal-Mart the preacher declared why on earth at Wal-Mart?
She replied that way I know my daughters will visit me twice a week!!

jamespowers
12-05-2012, 05:48 PM
Nice! I've heard a version of that where it's a funeral procession led by a man with a dog on a leash, then some mourners and a long line of men. The man explains it's his wife's funeral, the dog did it, and "You think I could borrow that dog?" "End of the line, pal."

In my telling of it, there is a mule leading a funeral procession. A man stops and asks what is going on. The guy says his wife was killed when she went behind the mule and he kicked her in the head. The man replies can I buy that mule from you? He replies===Get in line. :p

nice hat dude!
12-05-2012, 07:09 PM
A guy drives his Corvette through a speed trap,doesn't stop so the police officer chases after him.Guy sees the cop in the rear view so he steps on it,looks back again and the cop is still coming.He decides to floor it,now he's doing 120,looks back again and the cop is right on his tail,figures he can't shake the cop so he pulls over.Cop comes up to the window and says to the guy,I'm in a good mood so if you can come up with a good story as to why you made me chase after you I'll let you off with a warning.So the guy says my ex-wife ran away with a cop and I was scared you were bringing her back!!

nice hat dude!
12-05-2012, 07:53 PM
Old couple cruising through Arizona in their motor home,police pull them over goes up to the window says to the old guy driving that he was driving to fast.His wife hard of hearing asks what's he saying,what's he saying?the old guy tells her he said I was speeding.The cop asks for his drivers license and registration,again the wife asks what's he saying,what's he saying?the old guy tells her he wants to see my drivers license.The cop takes his drivers license and says he'll be right back,returns a few minutes later and says to the old guy I see that you're from Saskatoon Saskatchewan,again the old lady says what's he saying,what's he saying?the old guy tells her he said we're tourists.Cop says I had the worst piece of tail in my life in that town,the old lady says what's he saying,what's he saying?the old guy tells her "he says he thinks he knows you"

randooch
12-05-2012, 10:13 PM
High school dance, painfully shy guy (Wilbur) with an artificial eyeball, dragged there by his friends who are on the lookout for a girl who'll dance with him.

Aha! They spot just the girl, a wallflower standing nervously and alone in a corner. She has a cleft-palate.

The guys finally talk Wilbur into approaching the girl and asking for a dance, even though he is very self-conscious of his wooden eye. He is sure the girl will laugh at him.

"W-w-would you l-like to dance?" he asks.

She is overcome by happy excitement: "Would I!! Would I!!"

Wilbur turns beet red in anger: "Hair-lip!!! Hair-lip!!!"

nice hat dude!
12-07-2012, 02:03 PM
Old couple at the Doctor's office for a check up,the Doc examines the old guy tells him that he's in good shape,asks if he has any concerns,the old guy says yes I've noticed that when I have sex with my wife I'm cold an chilly and then when I have sex with her the second time I'm hot and sweaty?When the Doc examined the wife a little while later he says she is fine also and asked if she had any concerns ,she says no everything is fine.The Doc then mentions what her husband told him,the old gal says oh that silly old coot pay no attention to him,that's because the first time is in January and the second time is in August.

nice hat dude!
12-08-2012, 12:22 AM
OK here's my attempt at appeasing anyone that I'm sure I've offended in the past 100% clean!A Pony walks into a bar and says to the Bartender "May I(cough,cough)have a(cough,cough)beer please"Bartender brings him a beer the Pony says "Thank(cough,cough)you"Bartender asks if he's alright the Pony says"I'm OK I'm just(cough,cough)a little hoarse.......as I slowly creep out the back door(haha)

splintercellsz
12-08-2012, 12:47 AM
Lol!!!!

nice hat dude!
12-08-2012, 12:56 AM
Lol!!!!

I didn't say it was good Splinter I said it was 100% clean,supposedly have to try and improve my image(haha)

V.C. Brunswick
12-10-2012, 06:29 PM
Q: What's the difference between a Hipster and a US Savings Bond?
A: A savings bond will eventually mature and make some money.

nice hat dude!
12-10-2012, 06:56 PM
Q: What's the difference between a Hipster and a US Savings Bond?
A: A savings bond will eventually mature and make some money.

VC could have even left out the money part on the bond(haha)good one I enjoyed it!!

nice hat dude!
12-10-2012, 07:32 PM
Here is one you might like if I can get it.
http://sphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/47291_494259837262465_678921230_n.png

nice hat dude!
12-11-2012, 03:26 PM
The "Big Toe"= a device used for locating furniture in dark rooms!!(@#%$ @#%$ that really hurts)

jamespowers
12-11-2012, 07:08 PM
The "Big Toe"= a device used for locating furniture in dark rooms!!(@#%$ @#%$ that really hurts)

Been there done that.

nice hat dude!
12-11-2012, 07:16 PM
Been there done that.

You would think that seeing we're supposedly the smartest animal on the food chain after doing it once to find out if it hurts we wouldn't have to keep reminding ourselves just how much it really does?

jamespowers
12-11-2012, 07:21 PM
You would think that seeing we're supposedly the smartest animal on the food chain after doing it once to find out if it hurts we wouldn't have to keep reminding ourselves just how much it really does?

Well, I move the furniture when that happens so it doesn't happen twice in the same spot.
And the joke of the day is:





A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a

Brick wall."

nice hat dude!
12-12-2012, 02:51 PM
OK one for the ladies if it comes in.
http://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/73578_472691756114922_100650526_n.jpg

this one guy
12-13-2012, 09:55 AM
Lady Gaga has just concluded an agreement for Google to be the online distributer for her music releases. The name of the new venture .... Google Gaga

nice hat dude!
12-13-2012, 01:15 PM
Here's a quicky for anyone that can't afford a holiday this winter,
http://sphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/3060_118240364987416_1106435223_n.jpg

nice hat dude!
12-13-2012, 01:22 PM
Worst Pick Up Line Ever

Guy: Did it hurt?
Girl: Did what hurt?
Guy: When you fell from heaven.
Girl: Aahh.
Guy: Cause it really messed up your face.

nice hat dude!
12-13-2012, 02:46 PM
Just because it makes sense.
http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/390312_455869787804005_1354704205_n.jpg

nice hat dude!
12-13-2012, 03:39 PM
Another one for the Ladies,
http://sphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/550772_10151822102430034_334992134_n.jpg

nice hat dude!
12-14-2012, 05:26 PM
It's a Canadian thing eh!
http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/599134_10151333632017664_569611488_n.jpg

I just thought I'd post this as I spent 2 hours doing just this thing today,oh lucky me.

jamespowers
12-14-2012, 11:03 PM
It's a Canadian thing eh!
http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/599134_10151333632017664_569611488_n.jpg

I just thought I'd post this as I spent 2 hours doing just this thing today,oh lucky me.

Evil Snow is something I'll never miss. :p

nice hat dude!
12-14-2012, 11:20 PM
Evil Snow is something I'll never miss. :p

I'll ship you some so you can have as much enjoyment as me?Please enclose address(...........)haha

V.C. Brunswick
12-15-2012, 12:32 AM
It's a Canadian thing eh!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRI-A3vakVg


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKLkmTz-kJw

nice hat dude!
12-15-2012, 01:49 AM
[QUOTE=V.C. Brunswick;1557512]

Yep that proves to everyone the 2 things that us Canadians have known for a long time,
1=We drink to much beer
2=It's to damn cold up here and our brains are permanently frozen

But we have Bob&Doug,The Trailer Park Boys and Capt.Kirk it don't get no better than that(haha)

nice hat dude!
12-15-2012, 03:43 PM
http://gagpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/gagpress1.jpg

Sloan1874
12-15-2012, 04:20 PM
I went to pick up my ladder yesterday. It wasn't my real ladder, though, it was my step-ladder. *ba-boom-tish*

nice hat dude!
12-15-2012, 04:34 PM
I went to pick up my ladder yesterday. It wasn't my real ladder, though, it was my step-ladder. *ba-boom-tish*

I don't normally comment on jokes Sloan but on your's I couldn't help myself,1 word "ouch"(haha)

Sloan1874
12-15-2012, 04:35 PM
Ahthenkyou ;)

nice hat dude!
12-15-2012, 04:46 PM
Ahthenkyou ;)

Anytime,well anytime you post an awesome joke that is.(haha)

jamespowers
12-15-2012, 11:09 PM
Bagpiper at a Funeral


http://web.mail.comcast.net/service/home/~/?auth=co&id=703640&part=2


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."

nice hat dude!
12-16-2012, 02:10 PM
http://sphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/532296_445898695468238_1896255778_n.jpg

MisterCairo
12-16-2012, 07:48 PM
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "hey, got any grapes?". Pharmacist says "no, sorry, you'll have to try the supermarket next door". "Thanks!" says the duck and off he goes.

The next day the duck walks into the same pharmacy and agains asks "hey, got any grapes?" to which the pharmacist wearily replies "no, try the supermarket next door". "Thanks!" says the duck.

The following day the duck again walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he has any grapes. The pharmacist, now really angry, says "no, and if you come in again and ask for grapes I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor. Now SCRAM!"

The next day the duck walks back into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "hey, got any hammers?" The pharmacist, confused, says "no", and the duck says "got any grapes?"

nice hat dude!
12-16-2012, 08:42 PM
http://sphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/252311_400114676732192_728652090_n.jpg

nice hat dude!
12-17-2012, 02:56 PM
Pretty much sums it up!


http://sphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/66779_512157802152046_648099119_n.jpg

jamespowers
12-18-2012, 10:36 AM
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She recently wrote a note to a friend:

Dear Pearl,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, because shortly after I had an incredibly uplifting experience!

What happened was that on the way home I stopped for a red light at a busy intersection and got all lost in thought about our Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It's a darn good thing that someone else also loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked I'd never have noticed. Then I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there the guy behind me started honking like crazy. And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Then everyone started honking!

I leaned out my window and waved and smiled at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Joey, my teenage grandson, was with me in the passenger seat so I asked him what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
Joey burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attend, but I suddenly noticed the light had changed. So, with a big grin I waved at all my spiritual brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed back again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Will write again soon,

Love, Violet

nice hat dude!
12-18-2012, 04:20 PM
http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/69467_516192098404393_398722004_n.jpg

jamespowers
12-18-2012, 06:17 PM
http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/69467_516192098404393_398722004_n.jpg

That is true.

nice hat dude!
12-20-2012, 06:09 AM
That is true.


I'm fortunate mines a 94 first year that Ford went to the Power Stroke but as you might recall they had a lot of bugs with them and pulled the "Strokes" for a few months and went back to the original "Binder" diesels for a short time,I happened to get this one without the Power Stroke.
http://i1343.photobucket.com/albums/o790/CordobaBob/Picture038_zps6580f75e.jpg

jamespowers
12-20-2012, 09:36 AM
I'm fortunate mines a 94 first year that Ford went to the Power Stroke but as you might recall they had a lot of bugs with them and pulled the "Strokes" for a few months and went back to the original "Binder" diesels for a short time,I happened to get this one without the Power Stroke.
http://i1343.photobucket.com/albums/o790/CordobaBob/Picture038_zps6580f75e.jpg

That rig looks nice for a Ford. You need some chrome stacks on it. :p

nice hat dude!
12-20-2012, 02:34 PM
This guy I truly feel sorry for,I'm sure everyone can relate,
http://sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/149755_506362656061869_377848404_n.jpg

jamespowers
12-20-2012, 02:35 PM
http://sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/149755_506362656061869_377848404_n.jpg

That is because it means go faster. :p