The Wifely Duties

I also am curious about what the stay-at-home wives plan to do when their children are grown. Do you plan to work or continue to stay home? Or maybe do volunteer or charity work? Do any of you run businesses or do part-time work from the home?

I'm just curious because I know few people who do that. Then again, I'm 25 and living in Manhattan and all the friends I hang out with or associate with on a regular basis are men, so I don't really know how the other half lives.

BV

I guess this begs another question. In your opinion, are kids and families better off with stay-at-home moms who continue until their kids leave the nest? Is this preferable to being a stay-at-home mom for, say, only the first 4 or 5 years of the kid's life?

Marc Chevalier said:

Here's a question, VintageJess: Do you think you'll be a stay-at-home mom until your child is grown-up and leaves the home?

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Marc,

Thanks for the question. I can't say that I've completely thought out the next twenty years, but both my husband and I have talked a lot about it So for right now our answer is yes, I will stay home until the kids are all grown and here is why...

We hope to be blessed with more children, so of course that will mean more time at home with young children. At this point, we are also considering homeschooling our children once it is time for school. A lot of that will depend on the where we are stationed at the time. If we don't decide to homeschool, I would still like somehow to be involved with the children's school, whether that means volunteering a couple of days a week, or being active with the PTA or something like that.

I also feel that kids need you around more when they are in school than a lot of parents realize. I don't want my kids to come home to an empty house where they can get in trouble. I want them to have someone to talk to and share their day with. A safe place for them and their friends to play. Plus, I know of several friends with school aged kids that find it difficult to work because of shuttling the kids to after school activities like Boy Scouts, Little League, plus orthodontist appointments, the dentist, church stuff, etc. There seems to be plenty to keep you busy.

The other thing that has to be considered is that my husband plans to serve a full military career (at least twenty years.) That means he has at least twelve more to go. There are lots of social obligations that military officer spouses have, and they tend to increase with rank. Many wives find volunteer organizations to assist with---things like Navy Marine Corps Relief Society (which I volunteer with), the USO, Semper Fi Injured Marine Fund, Toys for Tots,etc. Many of us also volunteer with the Key Volunteers which is a networking support system which is active during the deployments. Of course, the other factor of military life is the frequent moves and deployments that make it hard for a spouse to build a career. There are some employers that don't even want to touch military spouses because they know you will move on.

Right now, I stay sane by indulging in my hobbies, doing volunteer work, making a little extra money on ebay, and doing some coursework online. It is very easy to get burned out or feel isolated at home. Its important to get involved in a playgroup or some kind of social network, even something online like we have here!! (So, thank you all for giving me some adult conversation!)

So, that is the plan...although we all know God laughs at plans right? To be honest Marc, I try to just enjoy each day as it comes. I think I am so blessed to get to stay at home and play with my son. Today, we've been in the sandbox, to the park, had ice cream, watched cartoons...what a life, huh? But I can honestly say that it is the hardest job I've ever done. Being a mom and a homemaker is a 24/7 gig. And I just love my husband that much more for working so hard so that I can be here and raise our son. And I know that he appreciates me and all that I do here so that he can concentrate on work and know that our son is safe and well cared for.

Thanks for asking,
Jessica

My wife stays at home with our little girl that is about to turn 2 in May. She is a gourmet chef, a banker, seamstress, counselor, master gardener, strategic planner, master organizer, in addition to being the mother of our child. Stay at home moms are the hardest working unpaid people around, and they have my utmost respect.

My wife works harder in one day than I do all week. I just happen to get paid for what I do, while her rewards are less tangible, yet far more precious.

As for Mark's question regarding whether she'll stay at home until the children are grown up, we haven't really talked about it, and that's a long time from now. If she decides to do something else outside the home at some point in time, she has the right to do so.

Personally, I dont think it is possible to balance a career and raise children. It isnt emotionally or developmentally healthy for children to be thrown in daycare from infancy until age 5 because mom is unwilling to give up her career. The spread of liberalism has made women feel like they can have their children and their careers too by making it perfectly acceptable to dump kids in daycare for 8 hours a day.
I worked in two seperate high-end daycare centers for 2 years. I don't care what anyone says, no matter how expensive or nice your daycare center is, or how great the amount of care and attention your children *supposedly* get there... it is not equal to the care of a mother. Things happen in daycare centers that would blow your mind.

I think this fast paced materialistic society we live in has moved us away from the home and family, and placed more emphasis on work... gotta make the money to have the big cookie cutter McMansion, to drive the really expensive cars and have the fancy gadgets in the house... this all comes at the expense of our childrens well being.

I've had some people think I was insane for wanting to stay home and care for my children when I have them... but what they loose sight of... is that being a mother is THE MOST important job I will ever have. It wouldnt matter if I was a movie star or the queen of sheba... everything pales in comparison to being a parent. Family is everything... without it there is nothing.

-Jess

P.S. This is purely my opinion. I'm not trying to poke at anyone or intentionally anger anyone who feels differently than I... just stating what I think.

VintageJess and Zohar, thank you for such thoughtful answers. My own mom was a stay-at-home mom in Los Angeles in the '70s. I am still angered by the amount of flak she got for it -- from other women. Kudos to you for taking the path that seems best to you.

BettyValentine said:

I also am curious about what the stay-at-home wives plan to do when their children are grown. Do you plan to work or continue to stay home? Or maybe do volunteer or charity work? Do any of you run businesses or do part-time work from the home?

I'm just curious because I know few people who do that. Then again, I'm 25 and living in Manhattan and all the friends I hang out with or associate with on a regular basis are men, so I don't really know how the other half lives.

BV

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Betty,

I will say that I realized for me that there would be no "going back", at least to where I was before--in a management position, working 16 hour days. I know I just won't ever do that again, because my children will always come first. It wouldn't be fair for my family or for an employer for me to attempt to pick up where I was.

If I ever do go back to the workforce, it will probably be in something part time, or less pressure, once more kids are grown. Maybe even to the academic world or something.

I do know that a lot of ladies use the time at home to get a second degree, or work on a Masters, or maybe make a career change. Often you here of women going back to the workforce and doing something entirely different than what they did before. The little online businesses are becoming very popular. A lot of women have other little side businesses--things like Mary Kay, or Pampered Chef. I think that is usually more for the social side of things as opposed to truly being an "extra income" but I don't know for sure.

Jessica

Yes and no answer your question

Marc Chevalier said:

Yikes -- this confused me. Is the answer "yes" or is it "no"?

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Oh I am so sorry. YES she intends to remain a stay at home mom, and NO she isn't going to work.

And I also ask, why is this such a compelling question for you? Were you a latch key kid? You going thru the same dilemma? Your married? have a wife with kids?

Just Ask Dr. Laura,she has all the answers

Marc Chevalier said:

I guess this begs another question. In your opinion, are kids and families better off with stay-at-home moms who continue until their kids leave the nest? Is this preferable to being a stay-at-home mom for, say, only the first 4 or 5 years of the kid's life?

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Well maybe someone will pull up some study to prove otherwise, but I strongly believe that a stay at home mom throughout the childs years, until end of high school, produce better kids.

Geez, this is a hot topic. I think I'm in the same camp as Dr. Laura Schlessinger from our KSFO radio progroam, the woman who wrote the book on "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands".

She advocates women who act the role of a woman, and raise their kids properly. Frumpy houswifes are out with her.

http://www.drlaura.com/main/

Andykev said:

... why is this such a compelling question for you? Were you a latch key kid? You going thru the same dilemma? Your married? have a wife with kids?

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Good questions. I was raised by a stay-at-home mom until I left home at 18 for college.

I am newly married and we would like to have a child within the next 4 years. My wife was also raised by a stay-at-home mom and we're trying to decide which route to follow.


.

Dr Laura

The Balanced Mom - Fact or Fiction?
by Lesley Spencer, MSc. - Founder & President
HomeBasedWorkingMoms.com


It's a pretty well known fact: Moms are pulled in many directions and their to-do list almost never gets completely crossed off. There's the kids, the husband, the house, the chores, the errands, the laundry, the meals, the appointments, the kid's activities, the birthday parties and on and on. It's an intensive job that requires some great time management and organization to ensure that everything gets done (or almost everything), and there's still enough time to spend relaxing and enjoying your family.

Here are some tips to you find some balance:

* Use a calendar to stay organized. Keep track of home, school and work activities and appointments on your calendar. It may work best to use a desk calendar that you can take with you as well as set calendar reminders in a program such as Outlook to remind you of certain repeating activities, practices, birthdays, bills to pay, etc.

* Be a team. Ask for help when needed and offer help where needed. Perhaps one week you can be in charge of homework or baths and the next week your spouse can. Come up with mutually beneficial plans to help your family function and have lots of time for family fun!

* Let go of guilt and know that you cannot possibly do everything. Whether you need to hire a housekeeper, order take out or say no to a volunteer request, know that you are doing what's best for you and your family but not overextending yourself and putting unnecessary burdens and expectations on yourself.

* Schedule a weekly date with your spouse as well as individual time with your kids. Also make time for yourself. Do not let one area of your life dominate the rest.

* Use your evening time wisely. Instead of plopping down in front of the TV, go on a long walk with your spouse and/or your kids. Have a picnic dinner in the backyard. Play a game or do something that enables you to really connect with your family.

* Be a smart shopper and meal planner. Buy cookbooks with quick, healthy meals or meals that you can double and freeze for another night. No need to do it all every night.

* Know that you can always adjust and change your options. If the choices that were right for you last year are not as good this year, reconsider and re-evaluate all of your options. Talk it over with your spouse and close friends. Then decide what is best for you and your family today. Take life by the horns!

* Stay flexible. Just as your children grow and your marriage matures, your individual, career, family and marriage needs will also grow, change and develop. Stay open to changes and realize that growing with each of these areas will be fresh, exciting, challenging and probably at times, frustrating and tiring.

* If you work, remember in the end it is not going to matter how much you dazzled your clients or employer with long hours if you miss out on treasured moments with your children and your spouse. Remind yourself to check in occasionally on where you are spending your time.... and where you are not.

* Do what's best for you and your family. Don't allow others to dictate what the best option is for you and your family.

With these tips and your own tried-and-true ones, you will find that being a balanced mom is not fiction. It truly can be fact. It just takes planning, delegating, flexibility, a positive attitude and some great organization. As a mom, I can proudly say and I'm sure you would agree: There's no better or more rewarding job in the world!

Copyright HBWM.com, Inc. 2006

Lesley Spencer is the founder and president of the national association of Home-Based Working Moms (www.HBWM.com), the HBWM.com, Inc. Network of Websites and author of the Work-at-Home Workbook. She has a Master's Degree in Public Relations and has been featured in numerous media outlets including CBS News, Forbes, Business Week, Parents, Wall Street Journal and USA Today. She has been working from home for over 11 years and has two children whom she absolutely adores! Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com

What is the advantage of staying home after the kids are in school? What about working from home, so that the kids don't come home to an empty house but the family has the benefit of two incomes?

My mom stayed home until I was 12, my youngest sibling was 8. I respect the choices she and my dad made, but I think, honestly, that her staying home was a less than ideal economic choice for a working class family.

Sincerely,
Viola

Just out of curiosity, is there any reason that it would be better to have a stay -at-home mom instead of a stay-at-home dad? If we take it as a given that children are better off with one parent at home, is it necessarily the woman's role to be that parent?



BV - again, not snarking. Just genuinely asking because I don't spend a lot of time with people who have different opinions/experiences than I.

This is interesting ... None of my friends had stay at home mothers. And neither did i. In Thatcher's Britain, stay at home mother really wasn't an option (other than those who had husbands earning the big bucks - bux?). I remember my parents counting their change at the end of the week to see how much food they could buy (and that's with both parents working full time).

My brother now has two children. With all the government handouts he gets, along with tax rebates and such, his girlfriend can stay at 'ome wif da kids. They only need one parent to work in order to get along okay. That's right ... pseudo-socialism is helping people achieve what is being put forth as the more desireable way to bring up children ... Or just helping lazy freeloaders get what they can out of the system, depending on your point of view.

bk

My wife does not work either and we don't have any children yet so by all accounts she should be working? I don't think so.
There is still plenty to do even without children around the house. The house doesn't clean itself. The yard doesn't water itself and the bills don't pay themselves. With the cost of child warehousing, a gardener, accountant, housekeeper, butler, laundress and a host of other jobs to be filled around the house, I just couldn't afford for her to work. That's the long and short of it. [huh] Someone staying home saves money no matter how you look at it.
I don't have the huge TV. I sort of shun most technology anyway and the cars are all over 30 years old.
I had to write this because my wife just called me here at work to see what was going on. Not much here other than entering data that is making me cross eyed. Thank God I don't have to do this everyday. Anyway I asked here what was going on there. She said nothing. I couldn't believe that so I delved a little further. Well, nothing turned out to mean doing laundry and a host of other things---dinner being one of them as well. lol She really is working harder than I am right now.

Regards,

J

BettyValentine said:

Just out of curiosity, is there any reason that it would be better to have a stay -at-home mom instead of a stay-at-home dad? If we take it as a given that children are better off with one parent at home, is it necessarily the woman's role to be that parent?



BV - again, not snarking. Just genuinely asking because I don't spend a lot of time with people who have different opinions/experiences than I.

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Excellent point Betty! My wife and I have nearly always managed to share the stay-at-home part due to me working shifts and my wife being a freelance hairdresser who can plan her work around my shift pattern. I spend as much time 'at home' as my wife and so share all the household chores: the cooking, cleaning, ironing, food shopping and, most importantly, the raising of our - now 13 year old - daughter. As a result my daughter and I seem to be much closer than her friends are with their fathers, and the whole concept of "wifely" duties strikes us as bizarre. They're just duties, which traditionally have been carried out by women. There is no reason at all why men shouldn't be the main carer and housekeeper - we just have to shake off outdated traditional gender roles and realise that women who want careers are not evil, and that men are actually capable of raising children and maintaining a home.

My husband and I also share the stay-at-home part. He spends most of the day with our daughter and I the evenings. But we both have weekends off so we are together. I really like sharing this with him because I feel that he has such a special relationship with her that he probably would not have developed if he was working all the time. Plus we equally share the household duties. It feels more like a partnership. I have friends who do not work and feel very unappreciated. I think you just have to find what works for you!

It's not just the housework that's important

I've always believed that it is up to each couple to decide their comfort level.

What's really important is that the wife is able to continue if tragedy should strike and the husband dies young. That is the real sticker. Yes, there should be mourning, but life continues.

I've known many "golden agers" who were absolutely lost when the husband died. Where is the money? What bank has the checking account? Is it the same as the savings account? What about the stock brokerage? Or Life Insurance? I've known "golden agers" who refused to put their wives names on the mortgage. Their excuse? "Well, California is a community property state, she'll get everything when I die". Yeah, he dies and the wife spends $5,000 on a lawyer to get everything put into her name. Or he thinks he'll outlive her so he doesn't take survivors benefits, drops dead 5 months after retiring at age 55 and the wife has no income, no life insurance and doesn't know where the savings are located. Another common thought process I've encountered with "golden agers" is; "why buy life insurance? If I die she'll remarry and the other guy will enjoy the money?" This isn't made up, these are actual comments I've encountered.

With housewives; the most important part is not the housework, but the preparation for the worse.

Expectations of lifestyle.

Nick Charles said:

I'd be all for it, but who can actually have a house, 2 cars, kids and only one income???? Heck I stay home and let my wife win the money.:eusa_clap

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*************
Not to point at you Nick, BUT Perhaps this type of question illuminates a view point of the modern age in which there seems to be also several generations that simply cannot do without every possible convienience. In comparison my parents generations did with out a lot to make sure the kids were clothed, fed, had a roof over our heads, brought up correctly and schooled well.

Nowadays, couples will put off having children so they can have the cool house, the big screen tv / entertainment center and the 2 new BMW's. They prefer the party sceen to resposibility of raising children. What about the sserious keeping up with the Joneses type needs. Fastest laptop, newest cell phones, Iposds, Computers, music, trips to Cabo and Vale? This is serious cash.

Perhaps taxes are too high to allow a one income home, but I think it is also based on the expectations of lifestyle.

originally posted by Atomic Blonde

Personally, I dont think it is possible to balance a career and raise children. It isnt emotionally or developmentally healthy for children to be thrown in daycare from infancy until age 5 because mom is unwilling to give up her career. The spread of liberalism has made women feel like they can have their children and their careers too by making it perfectly acceptable to dump kids in daycare for 8 hours a day.

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I realize this is just your opinion but there are some kids who develop just fine while attending daycare. I have two of them. There's plenty of stay at home moms who don't share your thoughts about the importance of family. And there's plenty of working moms who do.

Is the optimal situation to have a stay home mother? In some situations, yes. Some kids need that. Believe it or not, other kids don't. Some are just very independent. I actually spend more quality time with my kids because I know I don't have all day with them. I am all theirs when I pick them up. It makes our bond quite special.

I don't work because I'm not willing to give up my job. I work so that we can have affordable health care and the boys will have paid college tuition when the time comes. As an added bonus, I actually like my job. Our situation works for our family.

Opinion or not, your blanket statements and the language you're using imply that my kids are going to somehow grow up to become inadequate adults. I can tell you simply that one size does not fit all.