This is a delicate subject and I do not propose here to go into the
actual physical techniques of love-making so much as to consider any
practical problems which might arise for the pipe smoker.
Sexual intercourse is mostly a matter of skin upon and skin and the not
too disagreeable sensations which results from the friction of the two.
I do not believe that there is much more to it than this.
That said, there are special problems which the pipe smoker as opposed
to the cigarette smoker may encounter and it is best to be aware of
these before any attempt at love-making is made.
I recall a rather unworldly friend of mine telling me how nervous he
was about his forthcoming wedding night. I reassured him, saying that
if all failed he would have a lifetime of marriage before him to get it
right. A few days after he was married we spoke again of the
subject. "Everything went all right, I suppose?" I asked. "Well, I
managed to read the newspaper from cover to cover if that's what you
mean.", he replied.
But I digress. I would thoroughly recommend that the pipe smoker ensure
that wherever he spends his first married night that he should be
well stocked up with tobacco. There would be nothing more inconvenient
than having to drive off miles in search of tobacco whilst one's new wife
sat waiting in bed. The chances are that late at night most tobacconists would
be closed anyway. Ensure that you have more than one pipe and a good
supply of matches or a reliable pipe lighter, your tool and some pipe cleaners. You will be alone,
remember, and there will not be anyone else to ask to fetch them for you.
To smoke or not to smoke when fulfilling your physical marriage vows is a difficult question. For
the cigarette smoker, it poses few problems. A lighted cigarette can be
left aside in a nearby ashtray and resumed when one's hands are free.
But alas, for the pipesmoker, one may well have just got to that good
part of the bowl when the flavour is maturing nicely and be reluctant
to cast the briar aside. Pipe tobacco goes out easily for want of
inhalation on the embers and is seldom very nice when re-lit. However,
experienced married men tell me that it is better not to keep one's new
spouse waiting and therefore it would sensible to recommend continuous
Care must be taken however. A bowl which has not been tampered adequately
may shed lighted embers and these could land in a place where injury
could occur. While many a man has spilt ash on his chest without too
much harm being done, the tissue of the female breast is much
more sensitive. So tamp carefully. There may even be an argument to
shedding a little of the burned ash from the bowl into an ashtray
before the actual love-making begins.
Next one has to be very careful not to allow the pipe itself to impede
one's physical performance. A pipe is basically a protuberance or extension of
the face and if one were attempting to kiss and smoke, it is more than
likely that the pipe would be in the way. Side kissing is an alternative
but is generally less rewarding.
As someone who prefers a straight-stemmed pipe such as the billiard,
the bulldog or Dublin, I have to say that these do pose problems. They
are too rigid and at the wrong angle. A bent-stemmed pipe such as the
Oom-Paul is naturally less obtrusive, but be aware that ash is more
likely to fall. There is no satisfactory answer to the choice of briar
shape. Experiment and choose for yourself. A friend recommends the
small pocket pipes which have folding stems. However, these have a
small bowl capacity and may not smoke for long enough.
When that stage of love-making is reached when the man may need to be
more rigorous, it would be wise to remind oneself that the mouthpieces
of many pipes these days are acrylic and easily dent or even split
under a strong bite. It is for this reason that I recommend that the
small rubber guards which are available from good pipe shops be
fitted to stems to be used when making-love. These cushion the tip of
the stem from dental damage. The sensation between the lips is not as
pleasant, but suffice to say that if one broke the stem of one's
treasured (and possibly valuable) pipe the evening would surely be
Should you need to break off at any point to relight your pipe (tamping
can be quickly done with the finger) ensure that you have kept your
matches at hand and not in your trouser pocket somewhere far removed
from the bed.
Once the love-making is completed, there is nothing more enjoyable than
finishing off your bowl. You may be resting at the wrong angle to
comfortably smoke, so I would suggest sitting up on a couple of
Your wife should be content in knowing that having met the conventions
of new married life her husband is now resting and partaking of what he