Do people reciprocate your dinner invitations?

[PrettySquareGal]

I care if they reciprocate. I don't keep a score card per se, but I don't want anyone in my life who is only interested in feeding off of me, so to speak. Reciprocation doesn't have to be a dinner for a dinner, but there does need to be some kind of reciprocity. Otherwise I'd feel like my generosity is being exploited.

Now I know the meaning of generous is to not expect anything in return, but I save that kind of selfless altruism for volunteer work and community service.

To answer the original question, many have not and I no longer invite them over.

[V.C. Brunswick]

I have finally resolved myself to the fact that some of my Fiends are incapable of entertaining, the last time someone asked me to Luncheon it turned out to be a bowl of Soup, really, I ask you?, soup is something you have at 3.00 am in winter when you come home from a Masquerade Ball!

Some years back I seem to recall reading in the paper an interview with a prominent attorney who had lots of very wealthy clients. According to the attorney, one of his clients invited him over to discuss some legal matters over lunch. This particular client was old money rich and lived in a big mansion. Lunch turned out to be nothing more than Campbell's tomato soup! Though it was served on expensive china!

[scottyrocks]

I think it can go back to childhood. There were always kids whose houses we always went to, and kids whose houses we never went to. I, except for very occasionally, fell into the second category. That, in turn, could have set a pattern in later life. I'm okay with throwing small get-togethers, but I'd rather go elsewhere.

In our group of friends, there are people whose homes seem to be the more regular gathering spots. One n particular is a most gracious hostess. She has a career, but she is also totally into her cooking, and her husband does the barbecue thing, just as most of us do when we have our parties. Also, everyone brings something, whether it be food or drink or both.

There is definitely not a one-to-one reciprocity, but we all do a party every so often. Everyone seems fine with it that way. Some people are just more natural hosts.

[Marzena]

I care if they reciprocate. I don't keep a score card per se, but I don't want anyone in my life who is only interested in feeding off of me, so to speak. Reciprocation doesn't have to be a dinner for a dinner, but there does need to be some kind of reciprocity. Otherwise I'd feel like my generosity is being exploited.

.

I have been pondering this question ever since I first saw it. The problem I have with people who never reciprocate in any way is this: is it really healthy to cultivate an acquintance which is that one sided? Is it that in reality I need certain people much more than they need me - and they read it? I seem to detect a weird feeling of others believing that they oblige. Am I perhaps just keeping up an illusion of social life?

I do wonder what to think of people who always accept invitations - so presumably have a good time and enjoy themselves - but never ever suggest anything themselves. I hear a lot about the pressures of modern life, but I guess those work both ways: obviously no one is too busy to miss my parties, so why would they always be too busy for a very occasional coffee date at a cafe? with no effort whatever involved?

If you think I am being petty minded , what sort of attitude that may signal? If I could understand it, maybe I would not feel so anxious. Thank you for your thoughts.

[John in Covina]

Dinner parties are still done by some of my friends and they do keep score in a sense. Many people have not been schooled in the concept social niceties. Watch at parties: Do People show up completely empty handed or do they bring something for either the hosts or for the party. I try never to show up empty handed, bringing wine or a great beer or dessert or snacks or something goes a long way to say I appreciate the time and effort you have gone thru. Many people come to be served, chow down and expect dessert, not expect but silently demand dessert. Here in So Cal I find that there is a whole class of people that show up late, or won't show up at all. makes it tough to plan for 10 and only 4 actually come on time. on the bro's inlaws side: All parties must be buffet types as no one can come at 3pm to sit down to dinner they come at 4-11pm as their whims suit them.

We live in an age where members of the wedding party can't be bothered to call to say they won't make it because they have something better to do that weekend. how can you expect them to have get together as a quid pro quo.

[Angus Forbes]

Not many social relationships are completely symmetrical. Also, it seems to me that it takes some time to determine whether someone you are attempting to cultivate has a compatible personality, or in the extreme whether they are socially dysfunctional. So keeping a one-for-one scorecard of who owes an invitation to whom is probably not a good idea. On the other hand, if the other person is not responsive after a few tries on our part, then we drop the relationship and move on. Some people are simply moochers, and neither you nor I need them in our lives. They are not going to reciprocate our invitations, although they will gladly accept free drinks and a good meal if they don't have anything else to do. Phooey with them!

[A.C. Lyles]

I try never to show up empty handed, bringing wine or a great beer or dessert or snacks or something goes a long way to say I appreciate the time and effort you have gone thru.

Yes, I too always bring a gift for the host, which they can either put away for themselves or share with the party. This way I feel that the burden of reciprocity has been lifted from me as I have essentially paid for my attendance. Mind you, that's not to say that the hosts won't receive an invitation in the future, only that I won't feel that there is a pressing need for a debt to be repaid.

[Yeps]

When I invite people over it is generally very casual, probably for a plate of spaghetti or something like that. Yes, sometimes the favor is reciprocated, but it is by no means expected. I invite people over because I enjoy their company and want to share a meal. I much prefer cooking for a few friends than for myself.

Also, what is wrong with soup? Growing up we had soup for dinner at least once a week, usually Wednesdays. I don't see any reason why a bowl of soup should be disregarded as far as hospitality is concerned. Sure it is not a fancy four course meal, but it is the communal breaking of bread that is the essence of the thing, not a tally card of who puts on the most lavish soiree.

[A.C. Lyles]

This particular client was old money rich and lived in a big mansion. Lunch turned out to be nothing more than Campbell's tomato soup! Though it was served on expensive china!

Had you lunched with John D. Rockefeller Jr. back in the day you would have been served graham crackers and milk; mind you, the milk was mother's milk produced by a stable of wet nurses.

[Angus Forbes]

Yes, I too always bring a gift for the host . . . This way I feel that the burden of reciprocity has been lifted from me as I have essentially paid for my attendance. Mind you, that's not to say that the hosts won't receive an invitation in the future, only that I won't feel that there is a pressing need for a debt to be repaid.

I would like to express my personal opinion about this: When I invite you for dinner, I am making a gesture of friendship. If you view my invitation as something that encumbers you with a debt, that the matter of reciprocity is a burden rather than a privilege, and that this burden is lifted by your bringing a gift, then we have wasted each other's time. I would very much prefer that you decline my invitation.