OT: My parents

shopgirl61 · Jun 14, 2010

I thought i'd post here although it isn't about clothes or fashion...

The real reason that i'm moving back to CA is my parents...
this move is turning out to be more than just a on a whim. I got a call from my mothers doctor last thursday after his initial examination and subsequent testing.. my dm does have alzhiemers, testing placed her at the moderate level, and although I had long suspected this, hearing his voice give me the diagnosis is something else

When we were in CA in april, my mother gave me her wedding dress, as a child i had fantasies about wearing it one day because it truly was a "cinderella gown", custom made by a seamstress based on a magazine pic my mom kept in her hope chest. they married in 1957. she also gave my dd my grandmothers ring, a very simple amythest on 12k gold.
Mom is 83 and my dad is 80, both are diabetic and live alone and this past year my older sister took $$ from my mother

I was able to get a fast restraining order and a police report for elder abuse. I won't go into detail as not to elaborate but... I am in shreds and I feel like my world is caving in on me

I am barely managing to get the funds together to move me and my kids out, cross country, i'm useing space on a frieght shipper for only boxes and 2 chairs, we got our plane tickets with miles thank g*d and i've got my 2001 dodge ram listed on Uship.com praying it will get a cheap bid on an auto-transporter.

asking you to keep me in your thoughts as i try to make my way through this vast jungle of uncertainties.

Kitty_Sheridan · Jun 14, 2010

Hi Shopgirl,

I can sympathise totally, having finished uni my father back home became ill. Nothing specific, heart trouble mobility problems...I had just become single mum to a lovely son. I upped sticks with very little and moved into a rented house near my dad.
It wasn't always easy, mum and dad were divorced and mum lived and worked abroad. My elder sisters were both career girls, whereas I hadn't had a chance to start mine..
Dad who I loved dearly and had always been so kind and never even raised his hand to me, became belligerent, difficult...mean. I put up with it and eventually, dad died in 1998.
If you need to talk, vent, rant whinge...please add me on facebook or email me.
Don't feel bad if you sometimes feel angry towards your parents, much as you love them. It's only natural.
Kate
xx
(pm me if you want my email address or facebook link)

The Shirt · Jun 14, 2010

All I can do is send hugs your way. I know that when my father had his strokes - I prepared to move within a week to move back in with them. It is an incredibly difficult decision to make. I drew up plans for adding a ramp. I knew my mother could not physically handle it. Unfortunately he took a turn for the worse and we lost him. I have no doubt that you are back and forth in your head - I know that I was. But you will find peace in giving what you can. I wish you the best. "Hang in there" seems trite - but it does convey the message.

Doctor Strange · Jun 14, 2010

I'm in a similar position. I still live within an hour drive of my folks - so no major move is required - but they're both in deep decline. Yet they're both tough old WWII vets, so their departure could drag on for years.

Mom's 86 and has been in a nursing home with advanced dementia for over a year. She can't move, see, or do anything on her own. She can still hear, but doesn't always understand. It's kind of a toss-up as to whether it's more heartbreaking when we can't get through to her, or when she's semi-lucid and realizes that she's miserable, repeating some variation of "I'm ready to leave now." She at least still seems to recall people/things from her past, but in most regards, she already seems more over onto the other side than here...

Dad's 90 and still lives at home with a full-time careworker. His Alzheimer's and physical decline have both sped up over the last year: he's using a walker now and has become very frail and forgetful. He can't recall that Mom isn't going to be coming home, so it has to be explained to him repeatedly (this may be some kind of self-defense mechanism). He was in the hospital over the Memorial Day weekend with congestive heart failure (of course, these things ALWAYS happen over holidays!)... but just a couple of days after coming home, couldn't recall having been hospitalized! But at least he's still enjoying himself in a childlike way, as opposed to how far gone Mom is...

This has been an extremely difficult time for my sister (who also lives within driving range) and me. It's already been about three years since Mom's problems became critical (with lots of emergency room visits, freak-outs, and paranoia), and there's no end in sight...

So you have my sympathy, shopgirl - a lot of us fiftysomethings are dealing with some really heavy stuff re our elderly parents...

skyvue · Jun 14, 2010

I lost my mom in April to Alzheimer's. Moving home wasn't really an option, but Dad was able to care for her until the very end, when she finally had to be placed in fulltime care, and my siblings still live nearby.

I miss her terribly, but then, in a very real sense, I've been missing her for several years.

It's a terrible disease, and you certainly have my sympathies and supportive thoughts and wishes.

SugarKitten · Jun 14, 2010

Tough situation, shopgirl61, I'm sorry to hear it.

My mom's mom had a long fight with Alzheimer's, and we did home care for more than ten years. It was hard on us all, and I can't imagine how my parents got through the stress of it.

I know what you mean about the mean thing, caring for my grandmother was in turns depressing and infuriating. Distance helps - the emotional kind - thin disease has a person you love in their hands, it's not coming from your father. That's the best advice I can share, even if I know it's easier said than done.

You and your family will be in my thoughts, but be sure to look and see if there are any support/family groups in your area, if only to just vent now and then.

Kishtu · Jun 14, 2010

Poor you shopgirl, it's a scenario I can foresee coming up with my Aged Parents in the future as they are in declining health, it's not something you can ever plan for is it?

From experience with a friend who went through this nightmare a while ago, look after yourself It isn't selfish for you to take care of yourself first and foremost and to make sure you take all the help and support that anyone offers you... because you need to look after yourself to be able to look after other people.

Please look after yourself. And big hugs.

shopgirl61 · Jun 14, 2010

As Shirley Temple would say, oh my gooness!, you are all SO wonderful.
and I agree, it is very much the baby boomer's who are getting hit hard.

I do have a facebook and would love to add friends,,, I tend to keep a low profile there as one never knows who's watching

please, pm me and i'll accept my fellow lounger friends for support.

btw, my dad got called up and spent 2 yrs during Korea never having gotten his number called, as he put it, and spent those yrs in the army band! he was SO proud of being privilaged to do what he loved best and entertain his buddies at the same time. also, he brags about pulling KP duty and as a kid, i've never seen anyone peel potatoes that fast

Jennifer Lynn · Jun 14, 2010

I wish the best of luck to you shopgirl on your move, and hope everything turns out alright. Making such a big move to help out your loved ones has to yield good for yah. My folks are a bit younger (mid to late 50's), but mom isn't doing so well (long story). If I needed to help them out, I would, even it meant a move back west. I owe them at least that much.

:eusa_clap

LadyL · Jun 14, 2010

This forum is an invaluable resource for dealing with Alzheimer's, if you post there you will get lots of support and helpful input:

http://alzheimers.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/frm/f/214102241

Foofoogal · Jun 14, 2010

http://aging.uams.edu/alzheimersplaybook
Arkansas Athletic Director Frank Broyles

Timely. I just heard this man speak at a convention I went to. Amazing. Have known and know several people dealing with this.
My prayers and kudos go out to any caretaker or loved one of people with this disease and taking care of parents in general. I had older parents and I did take care of my father with cancer.
Things like this do play critical roles in changing us forever.

This man and his daughter were very, very, inspiring. They handled the whole as a team effort. He spoke of his wife that for 40 years every Tuesday she taught people to read before she got ill.
Get as much support from this and other organizations.
I had never heard of how different stages of this disease go and how they regress back to infancy and how certain time periods they go thru angry spells. Small things are extremely important for caretakers like consistency in dealings.

My best to you all. The human spirit truly, truly amazes me.

Paisley · Jun 14, 2010

My parents are both around 80 and have serious health problems. A few months ago, my mother was in a nursing home with a broken leg. I cooked up a strategy to get my father to take better care of himself so he could take better care of my mother, but he just wouldn't do anything for his health. My mother has paid attention to what I've told her, though: stop eating starchy, sugary food and your diabetes will improve. But nursing homes and my parents' home are filled with the stuff. It was like trying to cure a drug addict who couldn't leave the crack house. She's improving, though, and I feel like I've moved a mountain. My mother is a different person when she sticks with meat, eggs and non-starchy vegetables. I have to keep after her every day.

ZombieGirl · Jun 14, 2010

Sorry to hear about all this, ShopGirl. Seeing my husband's godparents (he has Alzheimers and she is his caretaker) has led me to the conclusion that it's mostly the people who love and care for the patient that take the brunt of the stress and worry. Try to do your best for your mother but you've got to take care of yourself and kids too.

You'll be in my thoughts... take care!

shopgirl61 · Jun 15, 2010

I am truly touched beyond words..

in just a littlle bit i'm putting myself to bed, i've been on/off the computer for 9 hours now and I just told my dd that i'm going to bed early.
thank you to those that can relate, I find comfort in your words and wisdom in your resourcefulness by sharing links. paisley, your parents are lucky to have you

personally, I am not a proponant of the right diet therory. both my parents are diabetic (adult onset) and while lifestyle changes can be healthful they cannot mask or remove the degenerative disease that is alzhiemers. I have a neighbor here in MA who bragged about her being raised on a farm with everything from homegrown veggies, fruits, to beef and poultry that they themselves raised/butchered. this gal's father who is only in his 70s has had 3 kinds of cancer, diabeties, high blood pressure, congestive heart failure and is currently near death to prostate cancer that has spread.
my grandmother on my fathers side lived to 103 and also baked the most delectable sweets and many were made with lard which she also incorperated into her cooking.

Because of my own disabilty, many people have just assumed my mother took the infamous drug of the late 50s - early 60s called thalidomide.. just because of how i look so i guess my point here is there are theories out there and science is just that, science.

Brooksie · Jun 15, 2010

Hi Shopgirl best of luck to you with your move. I am another one here that can relate to your story. My mom is now 78 and we just lost my dad this last September, he would have been 80 on June 17th. He had brain tumors and lung tumors, he was diagnosed with them almost exactly one year prior to the day he died (just off by only a few weeks). At that time my oldest brother lived next door and was my dads caretaker and all of the rest of us kids (me and my 2 other brothers) were an hour and a half to 3 hours away (with me being the farther away), I am a 3 hour bus ride away if I get a ride with someone via car it is 2 hours. Currently my oldest brother has since moved to Missouri and is a long haul truckdriver. My mom is doing very well and seems to be taking the passing of my dad well for the most part also (they had been married 56 years and highschool sweethearts to boot). My mom does not really know what to do with all of her free time she has now since most of her life revolved around my dad and in his later years it was taking care of him while he was dying. I call my mom once a week on the phone and go and see her about once a month and she is hanging in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

shopgirl61 · Jun 15, 2010

Brooksie said:
Hi Shopgirl best of luck to you with your move. I am another one here that can relate to your story. My mom is now 78 and we just lost my dad this last September, he would have been 80 on June 17th. He had brain tumors and lung tumors, he was diagnosed with them almost exactly one year prior to the day he died (just off by only a few weeks). At that time my oldest brother lived next door and was my dads caretaker and all of the rest of us kids (me and my 2 other brothers) were an hour and a half to 3 hours away (with me being the farther away), I am a 3 hour bus ride away if I get a ride with someone via car it is 2 hours. Currently my oldest brother has since moved to Missouri and is a long haul truckdriver. My mom is doing very well and seems to be taking the passing of my dad well for the most part also (they had been married 56 years and highschool sweethearts to boot). My mom does not really know what to do with all of her free time she has now since most of her life revolved around my dad and in his later years it was taking care of him while he was dying. I call my mom once a week on the phone and go and see her about once a month and she is hanging in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

You sound like a wonderful daughter!
g*dspeed

Big Man · Jun 15, 2010

My thoughts and prayers are with you shopgirl61. I understand your situation. Seven years ago I dropped just about everything to take care of my elderly Aunt and my Dad (they lived together in the same house). My Aunt was in her late 90's and my Dad in his 80's. My Aunt passed away a little over three years ago just shy of her 99th birthday, and my Dad passed away just over a year and a half ago at the age of 84. I spent over five years taking care of them - every day, seven days a week, with no help from my younger sister who lived just a couple miles away.

Do I regret the "sacrifice", NO WAY. I give thanks every day that I had the opportunity to do something for my Aunt and my Dad. I know you will, too. It is not an easy thing to do, and I am sure there will be times that you will say to yourself "why am I doing this" - but do not let those (temporary) feelings bother you. It is a normal thing to feel that way from time to time. However, as difficult as it may be at times, one day you will be able to look back and know the peace that comes from having done what you could to help. And that, my friend, is more valuable than all the gold in the world.

Should you ever need to talk to someone who has "been there", do not hesitate to PM me. Good luck, and God bless you for what you are doing.

shopgirl61 · Jun 29, 2010

Hi all!

Quick update. We made it! we arrived in N. CA last friday night.
my wunderful ds secured a rental house for us... vintage no less

I am in north west of Sacramento in a verry vintage city.

gotta share real fast, i wound up in the ER sunday afternoon, i was closing down a window in my house and it came slamming down on my tiny deformed right hand:eusa_doh: i cried so hard because i had no feeling whatsoever.
xray saw hairline fracture but because of my anomolies, i can't be cast. severe swelling/contusion and possible severed nerves because i'm numb w/ no feel

despite this, i keep my spirits UP and move forward like a pioneer woman.. i read good things, think good thoughts and p.r.a.y to the great spirits of vintage past.

next week i will go see mom/dad and start my process of helping them. but for now i cannot drive the 8 hours to get to them and i'm flat busted broke from this move, eating lots of yogurts and drinkin water.

Big Man · Jun 30, 2010

Glad you made it out there safely, but sorry to hear of your accident. You sound like you have a tough spirit, so I have a feeling all will be OK with you. Just remember, you have folks who are thinking of you.

Miss 1929 · Jun 30, 2010

Ow, Shopgirl, the hand! I hope it gets better soon!
Also, I am PMing you with a contact that may come in handy up there (I am from Placerville!).

OT: My parents

A-List Customer

Practically Family

Practically Family

I'll Lock Up

Call Me a Cab

One of the Regulars

Practically Family

A-List Customer

One of the Regulars

New in Town

Banned

I'll Lock Up

One of the Regulars

A-List Customer

One Too Many

A-List Customer

My Mail is Forwarded Here

A-List Customer

My Mail is Forwarded Here

My Mail is Forwarded Here

Similar threads

Log in

Forum statistics