Inappropriate-ness

Wow, I'm so glad I'm not alone. On honeymoon two years ago I was standing around in a babydoll beach cover-up/dress and a man trying to get tourists to ride horses on the beach approached me, but then shook his head and made a pregnant belly motion and said I wasn't allowed to do it and walked away. I didn't even really think I was big, so I was really, really upset. Even if I had been it would have been harsh though.

I agree with others that people need to learn some ground rules about what is acceptable to say and what isn't. With strangers I can sort of brush it off as stupidity, but family is worse for me, because they neither get it nor stop. I come from a big mediterranean family, and amongst my mom and aunts and uncles it is perfectly normal to comment on each other's appearance and it drives me nuts. When I studied abroad the first thing I'd hear upon my yearly return was comments about my big thighs, behind, or acne. Usually it was "problems" I wasn't even aware of until then, and it was always clouded in pretense of great concern, ie. my mother coming home with acne treatments to "help me out". On my wedding day she walked in while I had just had my hair done and made a disgusted face whilst trying to pull out some of the hair the hairdresser had just set to fix it to her liking.
My husband's family is totally different, and until I spent a lot of time with them I actually thought my family was the norm.

The childfree choice is similarly annoying, as is I imagine is the nonsense parents have to deal with about their number of children, baby names or parenting skills. Because we don't have children, nor are planning on it, helpful friends are forever trying to convince us what a huge mistake we're making and how selfish we are. It would never occur to me to ask them why exactly they had children every time I see them, or to tell them that having children they can't really afford or contributing to overpopulation is selfish. I don't understand why it is so hard for people to just keep quiet about personal choices that harm nobody else.

Fleur De Guerre said:

Also, talking of Australia, 'I think I'm barren, Sharon' is one of the best lines ever in Kath and Kim lol

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Funny, reading that I hear the voices in my head! "Oi think Oi'm baron, Sharon" lol lol

How is choosing NOT to have children selfish? Exactly whose being deprived? The grandparents? I, myself, want kids but I could give a flying figtree about whether or not anyone else wants them. If anything it's more selfish to have children when you're not inclined to do so just to take the heat off. No one's likely to end up happy when the parents are just pressured into taking on the role.

Last weekend my husband and I attended a BBQ. One of his friends was there with his wife, an incredibly judgmental woman...she thinks anyone who chose not to follow the same path she did is somehow worth less than she is. Since my husband didn't get married right after college and left a mechanical engineering career to try his hand at mixing live sound and making records for a while, he's on her list of those who should be judged harshly. The fact that we don't have kids worsens it.

If she started prying, I planned to tell her we don't want to sacrifice our spontaneous romantic encounters, we've gotten accustomed to an alarming degree of frequency and we suspect children would interfere with that.

It's phrased vaguely enough so as not to be vulgar, but it's suggestive enough to induce squirming. Heck, we could be fully clothed feeding each other grapes every afternoon, but that's probably not the first thing most people would think of.

ZombieGirl said:

How is choosing NOT to have children selfish? Exactly whose being deprived? The grandparents? I, myself, want kids but I could give a flying figtree about whether or not anyone else wants them. If anything it's more selfish to have children when you're not inclined to do so just to take the heat off. No one's likely to end up happy when the parents are just pressured into taking on the role.

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Well, apparently we are depriving our parents of grandchildren, ourselves of future company when we are old, we don't spend our time and money on raising the next generation, we only care about material things and we will never know what true love is because we have not had a baby. Apparently there was also no point in us getting married if we don't want to start a family (despite the fact that I consider my husband and our animals to be my family, thank you very much).
I think the same goes for parents though, as an only child I have often gotten pityful glances and negative remarks about being socially deprived, even though I never felt that way. If my parents had had 4 children they would have gotten schtick about that too I am sure.
I completely agree with you, it's none of my business if other people want children or how many they have, and either decision can be equally selfish or unselfish. It is amazing to me to which extent women's bodies and life choice still attract unsolicited remarks.

CherryWry said:

I planned to tell her we don't want to sacrifice our spontaneous romantic encounters, we've gotten accustomed to an alarming degree of frequency and we suspect children would interfere with that.

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Heck - that could be a phone call to say "meet me after work and we'll see a movie"! Very nicely phrased.

I do love this post

Aye aye to everything written above - it's the personal choice of each person/couple as to what they decide to do regarding having children, and society has become far too 'familiar', in that everyone seems to think they have the right to act too familiar with people they don't know (blatantly asking about pregnancy, touching stomachs, etc).

Re: maternity clothing, I know that in a lot of countries (particularly in Europe) when a woman was pregnant, she continued to wear her same dresses, but she would let out the seams bit by bit as she got bigger. Often, those women who made their own clothes would intentionally leave room to expand the seams in case of future pregnancies.

I had this a lot after I had my baby and still had the baby weight... one woman in a shop asked me when I was due, when I had my daughter with me in her pram and she was only six weeks old!

Then when my daughter was six months old I went to Greece and another woman in a shop asked if I was pregnant again... but because neither of us shared a language it was done via sign language, i.e. her pointing at my belly and making a 'round stomach' gesture! In front of my whole family! Not one of my best memories.

I just went to my cousins wedding and in front of everyone my Grandfather asked if I was pregnant again. (I thought I looked pretty good that day. I was wearing what was my favorite dress.) Then as I told him I wasn't he had to ask if I was sure. (I think I know my body better than you do old man!) Then to top it off he had to ask in front of our whole family and a bunch of strangers if I knew how that happened. I wanted to go home then so badly. I've been made well aware by several members of my family (whom all have between 4 and 6 children) that I have plenty of kids and need no more. I have two. It makes me angry that they think they have a right to an opinion on the subject. Just because they regret having so many children doesn't mean that they get to decide what is right for my family. I'll make those decisions!

Sigh Sorry for ranting gals. I started typing and got all worked up.

It's almost worse when a family member talks about it than when a complete stranger does (although both are cringefully brutal).

On the flipside, a few years ago, my dear mil knew that we were trying to have another and it wasn't 'happening' as quickly as everyone thought it should be. She proceeded to give me all kinds of advice in front of other moms at the school. I should say that she was suggesting herbal medicines not anything else lol but still, in front of everyone! Talk about adding pressure..

I was once asked this by my mom when I was a teenager. I think I was too shocked to feel much else. If I ever got asked again though I think I would grin and say "Yes, this is my food baby and his name is Paco The Taco!" and try not to burst into tears.
I've experienced something you may consider to be sort of a male equivalent - on my husband's behalf. On New Years Eve I was actually asked, "He's not exactly the model type... does he have a big...?" There are NO words!

Since I am relatively thin compared to people where I live/work and I like to exercise and eat healthy, I often get asked if/ or it is assumed that I suffer from anorexia. As in "Oh, you ate a chef salad for lunch today. It must because you are starving yourself." It really sent me over the top the few times I've gotten comments that I was "lucky" and then the person pulls the eating disorder gag. Associating luck with a disease that claims people's lives in a really horrific way is really disgusting and vile.

This has died down now. It might be the fact that I was a really really late bloomer, that I've gotten older, I've changed the way I dress, or I know less intrusive people.

My mother taught me that the only times you assume a woman is pregnant is if she either tells you or you see a baby coming out of her. This rule has never served me wrong.

Amy Jeanne said:

The weirdest comment I ever got from a stranger was "I thought you were religious until I saw your tattoos!" lol

Never got the pregnant comment, thank goodness.

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E. Gads.

HepKitty said:

I always threatened to break fingers if anyone touched my belly w/o permission. fortunately for the world, I never had to make good on that threat

I suppose the truly wicked response to such an inconsiderate question would be to burst into tears and start wailing about how you had just lost the baby two days before... if that doesn't teach someone, there is no helping them at all. hope this doesn't offend anyone here though

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that is wonderfully, horridly wicked! :cool2: