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Clean Jokes

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N

nice hat dude!

One Too Many
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1,168
Location
Lumby,B.C. Canada
Thought for the day,

59190_533078173401432_617894599_n.jpg
 
Zombie_61

Zombie_61

Messages
11,912
Location
Southern California
Frank and Ben are in the parking lot of the local Country Club preparing for their usual Saturday morning round of golf when a funeral procession begins to pass by. Frank turns in the direction of the road, removes his cap, and places it over his heart. After the last car has passed, Frank returns to his preparations. Ben says, "Y'know Frank, that was a nice thing to do." Frank replies, "Well, I was married to her for 46 years..."



A duck walks into a drug store and asks for a tube of Chapstick. The clerk asks, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."



A blind man walks into a drug store and starts knocking things off of the shelves with his cane. A clerk runs up and asks, "May I help you Sir?" The blind man replies, "No thanks, I'm just looking."
 
tonyb

tonyb

Messages
10,603
Location
My mother's basement
A young monk enters a monastery with a strict code of silence -- so strict that each monk is allowed only two words with the monsignor every 10 years.

So the first decade goes by and our young monk tells the monsignor, "food cold."

Another 10 years passes and the still youngish monk says, "bed hard."

After another decade, our now middle-aged monk has been in the monastery 30 years. He uses his two words with the monsignor to say "I quit."

"That's just as well," replies the monsignor, "you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
 
Last edited:
tonyb

tonyb

Messages
10,603
Location
My mother's basement
So my ex (yes, she's blond, thanks to the hairdresser's help) gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

"Do you realize the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?" the cop says.

To which the lovely ex replies, "Yes, but I wasn't planning to be out that long."
 
Dixon Cannon

Dixon Cannon

My Mail is Forwarded Here
Messages
3,157
Location
Sonoran Desert Hideaway
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
.
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
.
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
.
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
.
Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge out?'"
 
jamespowers

jamespowers

Messages
54,308
Location
Near the World's Largest Outdoor Insane Asylum
Dixon Cannon said:
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
.
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
.
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
.
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
.
Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge out?'"
Click to expand...

[video=youtube_share;pVY1-v97Mic]http://youtu.be/pVY1-v97Mic[/video]
 
DeaconKC

DeaconKC

One Too Many
Messages
1,703
Location
Heber Springs, AR
It was the funeral of a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke and the pastor’s benediction was drowned out by the blinding flash of lighting, followed by terrific thunder. “Well, at least we know she got there all right,” commented her husband.
 
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