Clean Jokes

Best I can do for now,

Things that make you say....Hmmm,

A man spotted an old time tent revival meeting and out of curiosity decided to attend. At the end of the Fire and Brimstone sermon, the preacher said if anyone needed special prayer to come forward and he would lay hands on them and pray. Eventually the man found himself in front of the preacher who asked him what his burden was. He replied "I need prayer for my hearing." the preacher slapped his hands over the man's ears and prayed a beautiful prayer, removing his hands he looked at him and said "How is your hearing?" The man replied "I don't know, it's not until Tuesday."

Groan

How can you tell the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? They didn't name it a teeth-brush.

A very stern, religious old woman finally convinced her husband of many years to go with her on a trip to the Holy Land. While there, she lectured him (as always) on his lack of piety and appreciation. The day before they were to leave, she passed away. The local undertaker offered to bury her in the Holy Land for a mere $200. The cost to fly the body home would be thousands. After consideration, the man decided to take the body home with him. The undertaker was puzzled, as he knew of the woman's devotion to her faith.

"Well," said the oldman, "a long time ago a young man died here, was buried here and came back from the dead. I just can't take that chance with her. . ."

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!

In my student days, I was forever getting up to pranks or practical jokes. One incident that I clearly remember was in the early days of The Rolling Stones. On our students notice board was a flyer advertising a Stones Gig at a college in Coventry, (about 80 miles away.) Combined coach fare & ticket price were very reasonable. The long and short of it was that a bus load of us went. It was a great night, after the show, we were walking back to the bus station. Our route took us past, the then, new cathedral. It's called St. Michael's after the arch-angel. On the wall outside is a statue of St. Michael standing over a conquered Lucifer. Both statues are on a scale of about three to one. Given the size of the cathedral they look, although big, in keeping with the structure.
A gang of us went up for a closer look. It was then that someone saw the devil's penis. "Some dick!" he muttered, causing much merriment. Maybe it was the alcohol, no maybe about it, it was the alcohol. We decided that Lucifer would spare the ladies blushes if he were fitted with a condom. It took a pyramid of us, standing three high, whilst I, scrambled up over everybody and stretched the rubber over Old Nick's dick. Then someone got a fit of the giggles and a dozen of us fell in a heap onto the grass below.
We were laughing and joking all the way back to London, but the best came a few days later. Somebody at our college had managed to get, remember, this was pre-internet days, a copy of the local Coventry paper. There were lots of letters of condemnation, but the editor actually praised us for ingenuity, originality and downright foolhardy daring. Adding, that the local students in Coventry can think of nothing more original than putting a bra on the statue of Lady Godiva. Cynically repeating: Year after year after.........
That piece of copy was pinned up on our notice board for weeks.
Now all that pails into insignificance when you see what these practical jokers get up to in Brazil. I tell you, it's really scary, and not too clever insomuch that if anyone has a heart condition, well watch and see.
Scary elevator prank

"My wife and I had twenty happy years."

"Then, we met."

~Dangerfield

I got the following picture off of George Takei's Facebook page.

1955mercury said:

I can't get the font color to change so it's viewable. If you scan over it, you can read the joke.

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A A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a
Nutshell.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son,Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testa-ment. He was born in
Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was JudasAsparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those other bad guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Here's one my English teacher from sophomore year told us.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came up to them and opened his trench coat. The first lady had a stroke, as did the second, but the third, who was weak and feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Also: An egg and a chicken are lying in bed together. The chicken is looking smug and holding a cigarette, and the egg, glumly, says, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question."

Two guys walked into a bar...

...you think one of them would have ducked!

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said,

'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,

''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have
Heard a pin drop.

Buddy of mine told me he'd found a way to make his car run on chicken broth.

I asked him if he got good performance from the motor. He replied, "Of course! It's souped up!"

Benny Holiday said:

Buddy of mine told me he'd found a way to make his car run on chicken broth.

I asked him if he got good performance from the motor. He replied, "Of course! It's souped up!"

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[video=youtube_share;oShTJ90fC34]http://youtu.be/oShTJ90fC34[/video]

Here's a couple from my daughter:

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

The horns don't work.

JP, the drummer in my band is always on the ball with the rimshot-cymbal strike! lol