Clean Jokes

GHT said:

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘pen*s.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

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:rofl:

Zombie_61 said:

A man is walking home late one night after an unusually long work shift. Just after he passes the local cemetery he hears a noise behind him, and turns to see he's being followed by a coffin. Startled, he increases his pace in an attempt to put some distance between himself and the coffin, but the coffin increases it's pace as well. The man continues to increase his pace until he's nearly at a full run, and turns to see the coffin still matching his pace. He finally arrives at home, enters, and closes and locks the front door behind him. Satisfied he's now safe, he gets halfway up the stairs when he hears a loud crash behind him, and turns to see the coffin has broken through the front door. Thinking quickly, he continues up the stairs, enters the upstairs bathroom, and searches through the medicine cabinet. He finally finds a bottle of cough syrup just as the coffin is breaking through the bathroom door. He turns to face the coffin, takes a big swig of the cough syrup, and the coffin stops.



Sound it out, I'll wait.

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cough, cough.

Jimmy Stewart tells us a joke . . .

[video=youtube;3IiICcSH8iY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY[/video]

Zombie_61 said:

Sound it out, I'll wait.

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So that will be:
"It's not the cough that'll carry you off. It's the coffin they'll carry you off in."

Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my neice's school concert.

Bill was up very early on Sunday morning, dressed, sandwiches made and packed, dog on the leash, as they go into the garage. He loaded the boat and hooked it onto his pick-up truck, fired the truck up and drove out onto the driveway. There was heavy snow falling with sharp gusts of wind. Pausing, Bill turned on the radio to discover that there were violent storms forecast for all that day. So he reversed back into the garage, unhooked the boat and quietly went back into the house. He went upstairs, changed into his pyjamas and slipped back into the bed. He ran his hand all over his wife’s back and whispered, “The weather’s really bad!” She replied in a sleepy voice, “Can you believe that stupid husband of mine is fishing in these conditions!”

Someone asked me recently; “Now that you’re retired, do you have another job?” I replied, “Yes, I am my wife’s sexual adviser.” Somewhat shocked, they said, “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?” “Very simple,” I replied. “The wife has told me that when she wants my f***ing advice, she will ask me for it.”

Americans aren’t allowed to drink alcohol until the age of 21, but they can drive cars and buy guns at age 18. For some reason, they have the highest rate of liquor store robberies in the world.

Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it’s endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective’ ‘You’re still late’ replied the boss.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sı sıɥ.

A married couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them" the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows" the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.
As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't " exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens…They didn't get that age by being stupid!

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

Bob goes to the golf course one bright and sunny Saturday morning, and asks a group of three male golfers if he might join them. The one closest to him replies, "Sure, but I have to warn you that we play for $20 a hole. The best score on each hole wins, if there's a two-way tie the winnings get split, and if we all get the same score the winnings carry over to the next hole." This doesn't dissuade Bob, and he joins the group. At the end of play, Bob has bested the other three on almost every hole. On their way to the parking lot the three golfers tell Bob they play every Saturday, and ask him to join them the following week. Bob replies, "Sure, but I might be 30 minutes late." They agree to wait if that should happen, and they each go their separate ways. The following week Bob arrives on time, and the four men proceed with their game. The three golfers take note of the fact that Bob is golfing left-handed this week, and at the end of play Bob has bested them on every hole. Once again, as they're walking to the parking lot they ask Bob to join them the following week, and again Bob replies, "Sure, but I might be 30 minutes late." The following week Bob arrives on time, and the three golfers note Bob is once again golfing right-handed. At the end of play, once again Bob has bested them on almost every hole. On their way to the parking lot, the three golfers confront Bob. "Okay, what's going on? The first week you golfed right-handed and won most of our money. Last week you golfed left-handed and cleaned us out. This week you golfed right-handed and won most of our money again. Are you some kind of hustler? And what's with this 'I might be 30 minutes late' stuff?" Bob replies, "If you really think you've been cheated, I'll gladly return the money I've won from you; I'm not a hustler. The truth is that I've been playing golf for a lot of years. A number of years ago I started to lose interest, so I learned to golf left-handed just to keep it interesting. Then that started to get boring, so I decided to leave it to fate. When I wake up on Saturday morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. That's honestly all there is to it." One of the golfers asks, "But what happens if you wake up and see that your wife is sleeping on her back?" With a grin, Bob replies, "Well, then I'll be 30 minutes late."

A man was hospitalized with six plastic horses in his stomach; doctors reported his condition as stable.

During a visit to a mental asylum, a man asked the Director how one determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," the man said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the cup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Is it okay for me to tell a real story here? Maybe I'll find out.

Quite a few years ago, just out of high school, and still living at home. My dad and I had gone out to do some work. As we later head toward home, in the dark down a two lane country type road, we see an unusual amount of activity up ahead. Arriving, we see that a late model muscle car has hit and completely sheared off a large power pole. About twenty people from a small apartment building half a block down a side road are milling around and talking to the pair of police officers that had pulled up just when we did. It only took a few seconds to get the story. The guy with the muscle car had dropped his girlfriend off in front of the apartment house (a short half a block away). When he went to leave, the first thing he did was to back into another parked car, which just happened to have a two year old child climbing into the back seat. So he has hit a car, knocked down a child, damage to the car is minor, the child is not harmed in any way! So what is a guy to do??? He floors the gas pedal! Witnesses swear he is doing more than 60 mph before he blows through the stop sign, makes a wild right turn, still accelerating at full throttle until he hits the twenty inch diameter wood utility pole cutting it clean off the ground while at the same time relocating the car's engine into its front seat.
Amazingly, even after a short trip through the windshield, the fellow isn't seriously hurt. The two police officers are hanging around, talking to witnesses, making notes, taking measurements, making radio calls. We and about twenty other people are just milling around, taking it all in. The guy is sitting up, leaning against the crumpled remains of what used to be his left front fender, complaining about having glass in his eye and the blood running from a scalp laceration down his face and ruining his shirt. When up steps this sweet young thing, sobbing uncontrollably. The girlfriend.
"Officer? Please Officer?"
"Yes mam?"
"Will you take him to the hospital? He is my boyfriend and I'm afraid he is hurt."
"Yes mam. The ambulance is on its way, then we'll take him straight to the hospital to get him checked out."
"You're not going to take him to jail? You're sure that you will take him to see a doctor at the hospital?"
"Yes mam, we'll take him straight to the hospital."
(Sobbing even louder now)
"Are you SURE you aren't just taking him to jail? I mean, he has warrants out after him and everything!!!"

Trapped in T-wilight Zone said:

..."Are you SURE you aren't just taking him to jail? I mean, he has warrants out after him and everything!!!"

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I give it 50/50 odds she wasn't "the girlfriend" much longer. lol

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys from Ferguson arrive wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here, I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Pearly Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."


> "The guys wearing hoodies are gone?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

It was time for St. Peter to take his coffee break, so he asked Jesus to mind the Gates for him. He told Jesus that everyone was pre-cleared for enty, so all that was necessary was talk to the folks, ask about their families and so on and let them in.

After greeting several people, Jesus meets an elderly man and they begin talking. The man says he had been a carpenter on earth and had had a son but had lost him.

This sounded somewhat familiar to Jesus, and he asked the man if there was anything special about the son.

The man replied that his son had holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus is overwhelmed, looks at the man and asks "Were you MY father on earth?"

The man takes a close look at Jesus and replies, "I don't know, you don't look like Pinocchio."

I was always told to dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

So why did I spend today in a displinary meeting in my Batman outfit?

lol lol lol

You guys are great! I'm having fun recycling all these great jokes.

Just heard one on the TV: Did you hear about the math teacher who had constipation?

She worked it out with a pencil!

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

The Winter Boots

lol lol lol

JP you're killin' me man!

Benny Holiday said:

lol lol lol

JP you're killin' me man!

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Glad you like them. I nearly died laughing when someone told me the old man on the moped joke.