Agony column?

sheeplady · Jan 25, 2018

Be careful with HR... they are not there as a department to protect the workers- they are tasked with protecting the company.

CC your email to your union rep and (if this isn't a violation of policy) a non-work personal email address of yours. (Professional address, just not me@company)

MissNathalieVintage · Jan 25, 2018

sheeplady said:
Be careful with HR... they are not there as a department to protect the workers- they are tasked with protecting the company.

CC your email to your union rep and (if this isn't a violation of policy) a non-work personal email address of yours. (Professional address, just not me@company)

Thank you @sheeplady for the advice.
I did think I should not send my Email via my work address. And thanks to your helpful advice I am totally going to create an Email with my job title and initials of the company as my Email address. And yes I can CC my union rep too.

sheeplady · Jan 26, 2018

MissNathalieVintage said:
Thank you @sheeplady for the advice.
I did think I should not send my Email via my work address. And thanks to your helpful advice I am totally going to create an Email with my job title and initials of the company as my Email address. And yes I can CC my union rep too.

You can send from your work email... just make sure to send to hr and copy your rep and a personal address.

So it can be:
From: me@company
To: HR
CC: rep@union, me@yahoogmail

This reassures HR that:
A. You sent it from your work account
B. You have a copy of the email in an account (yahoogmail) you can access in case they deny you sent it OR you get fired and locked out of your account.

MarieAnne · Jan 28, 2018

Are these posts open to members only?

St. Louis · Jan 29, 2018

MarieAnne said:
Are these posts open to members only?

I don't believe so, but they're definitely limited to women members.

LizzieMaine · Jan 29, 2018

Yep. Women only. The posts are Google-searchable though, and do show up when non-members view the Lounge, so keep that in mind when posting sensitive material.

MarieAnne · Jan 29, 2018

LizzieMaine said:
Yep. Women only. The posts are Google-searchable though, and do show up when non-members view the Lounge, so keep that in mind when posting sensitive material.

Thanks! That's exactly what I was wondering.

MissNathalieVintage · Jan 30, 2018

sheeplady said:
You can send from your work email... just make sure to send to hr and copy your rep and a personal address.

So it can be:
From: me@company
To: HR
CC: rep@union, me@yahoogmail

This reassures HR that:
A. You sent it from your work account
B. You have a copy of the email in an account (yahoogmail) you can access in case they deny you sent it OR you get fired and locked out of your account.

@sheeplady Thank you! I will absolutely CC my union rep and personal Email account when I send in the paperwork, which will be soon. And I know whining on the Email will not get me any votes from HR and will stick to the facts.

sheeplady · Jan 31, 2018

You're welcome. I always copy myself on anything important.

MissNathalieVintage · May 17, 2018

Here are a few up dates. My boss and supervisor are slowly being exposed for the abuse they are inflicting on me.
The interesting thing is even though I have worked with a couple of these people in HR for more the five years. I am learning that they would rather take my boss' words over my 18 year clean record. It was not until I transfered to my current location in 2017 when my file started to get hefty.

I got the chance to see my record and my word it is so thick. The lady handing it to me had to use two hands and hold it next to her so nothing spilled out. And any one else who took the time to look through it could see a lot of information that was just thrown together and print outs without my name on them with hand written notes claiming I did this incorrectly.

I've been suspened many times over and for the same thing three times in a row back to back, within weeks of each other. And I made complaints about the lies. And even filed a harrasment report against my supervisor who thretened to attack me. And my boss refued to talk to me about the threat and HR is doing nothing. Even though I've asked repeated times to be removed from my current location. And general manager refuses to remove me. I even Emailed his boss who I worked with closely for more then five years and she did not respond back. I even tried leaving messages with her office asking to call me back and nothing.

With me being suspended so much, money has become really tight. And praise God I grew up poor and live a vintage life style since my cost are low and I own nothing.
And praise God I do have the union looking out for me and helping 100% fight this. And knowing that Jesus has my back in this as well.

Plus doing research on toxic people and toxic work enviroments has help keep me sane. And that the best way to fight back is to continue to be happy and socialize outside of work and do things that make me happy. And not stoop to their level. And I keep way from these women and only speak to them if it is work related and I say as little as possible. They do at times engage me in word salad conversations, they just go around and around. And by my not reacting to these kinds of convesations and learning I can not defend myself when spoken to in this manner. In order to stop the conversation I have to repeat myself over and over or just end it in a calm straight emotionless face. Which 100% works.

Even though the stress and strain does get to me. I always remain calm and cheerful, this is how one successfully fights with people like this. And I pray every day and read my bible too. Isaiah 29:19-22 says, The scoffer will be gone. The arrogant will dissappear, and those who plot evil will be killed. Those who convict the innocent by their false testimony will disappear. A similar fate awaites those who use trickery to prevent justice and who tell lies to destroy the innocent. That is why the Lord, who redeemed Abarham, says to the people of Israel, "My people will no longer be ashamed or turn pale with fear.- New Living Translation
Things have gotten a tiny bit better.

I know I will be leaving soon but can not tell them that since I put in four transfer request. And do not want them to find a reason to continue to keep me and prevent my choice to finally leave once and for all. I also learned there will be an opening soon at another location. And the union is working really hard to help me at least redeem a couple of my pay check(s). And help me move to a tempory location until one of my transfers open.

St. Louis · May 18, 2018

My goodness, what a nightmare. I do hope you can find a more congenial place. Something has gone seriously wrong here. I can't even imagine how I would cope. What on earth are they trying to accomplish? Seriously?

Formeruser012523 · May 20, 2018

MissNathalieVintage said:
Here are a few up dates. My boss and supervisor are slowly being exposed for the abuse they are inflicting on me.
The interesting thing is even though I have worked with a couple of these people in HR for more the five years. I am learning that they would rather take my boss' words over my 18 year clean record. It was not until I transfered to my current location in 2017 when my file started to get hefty.

I got the chance to see my record and my word it is so thick. The lady handing it to me had to use two hands and hold it next to her so nothing spilled out. And any one else who took the time to look through it could see a lot of information that was just thrown together and print outs without my name on them with hand written notes claiming I did this incorrectly.

I've been suspened many times over and for the same thing three times in a row back to back, within weeks of each other. And I made complaints about the lies. And even filed a harrasment report against my supervisor who thretened to attack me. And my boss refued to talk to me about the threat and HR is doing nothing. Even though I've asked repeated times to be removed from my current location. And general manager refuses to remove me. I even Emailed his boss who I worked with closely for more then five years and she did not respond back. I even tried leaving messages with her office asking to call me back and nothing.

With me being suspended so much, money has become really tight. And praise God I grew up poor and live a vintage life style since my cost are low and I own nothing.
And praise God I do have the union looking out for me and helping 100% fight this. And knowing that Jesus has my back in this as well.

Plus doing research on toxic people and toxic work enviroments has help keep me sane. And that the best way to fight back is to continue to be happy and socialize outside of work and do things that make me happy. And not stoop to their level. And I keep way from these women and only speak to them if it is work related and I say as little as possible. They do at times engage me in word salad conversations, they just go around and around. And by my not reacting to these kinds of convesations and learning I can not defend myself when spoken to in this manner. In order to stop the conversation I have to repeat myself over and over or just end it in a calm straight emotionless face. Which 100% works.

Even though the stress and strain does get to me. I always remain calm and cheerful, this is how one successfully fights with people like this. And I pray every day and read my bible too. Isaiah 29:19-22 says, The scoffer will be gone. The arrogant will dissappear, and those who plot evil will be killed. Those who convict the innocent by their false testimony will disappear. A similar fate awaites those who use trickery to prevent justice and who tell lies to destroy the innocent. That is why the Lord, who redeemed Abarham, says to the people of Israel, "My people will no longer be ashamed or turn pale with fear.- New Living Translation
Things have gotten a tiny bit better.

I know I will be leaving soon but can not tell them that since I put in four transfer request. And do not want them to find a reason to continue to keep me and prevent my choice to finally leave once and for all. I also learned there will be an opening soon at another location. And the union is working really hard to help me at least redeem a couple of my pay check(s). And help me move to a tempory location until one of my transfers open.

Sounds like attrition. If your boss won't even talk to you, or any of your co-workers, they're hoping you'll just up and quit. Then they won't have to pay you worker's compensation. (I think that's what it's called.) DON'T QUIT. Don't let them win. That's exactly what I did 11 years ago.

Not only was I sexually harassed, but I walked. It was just a lame retail job, but I should have stuck it out the right way, just like you're doing now. I let my temper get the better of me. And did I need that money at the time. Couldn't put up with the gossip or the boss any longer and stormed out.

You're doing it right, Miss, keep going.

MissNathalieVintage · May 23, 2018

Thank you @Mae These women are slowly learning that I will not give up and give in to their micro-management or allow them to abuse me. Grey rocking and being calm without showing any emotion is how I am able to fight back, @St.Louis.

I've called them out many times and now the only thing my boss can accuse me of is not knowing how to work the new computer software the company got last year. Even though I went to the software training twice already. And my boss brought up that I still do not know how to work the software even though I studied every thing. And my supervisor learned something new by my doing a task on the computer where she did the same task but did it the longer and more difficult way. And she asked me how did I learn how to do it the shorter and quicker way. I said I taught myself. And she was standing there shocked because I knew what to do.

Even though I put in a harassment report there are not enough witness' to testify against the harassment.

I will be leaving this job site for good once my transfer request goes through, which will be soon since I learned there is going to be an opening. And my union rep is working very hard to try and get me sent to a tempory job site.

Formeruser012523 · May 24, 2018

MissNathalieVintage said:
Thank you @Mae These women are slowly learning that I will not give up and give in to their micro-management or allow them to abuse me. Grey rocking and being calm without showing any emotion is how I am able to fight back, @St.Louis.

I've called them out many times and now the only thing my boss can accuse me of is not knowing how to work the new computer software the company got last year. Even though I went to the software training twice already. And my boss brought up that I still do not know how to work the software even though I studied every thing. And my supervisor learned something new by my doing a task on the computer where she did the same task but did it the longer and more difficult way. And she asked me how did I learn how to do it the shorter and quicker way. I said I taught myself. And she was standing there shocked because I knew what to do.

Even though I put in a harassment report there are not enough witness' to testify against the harassment.

I will be leaving this job site for good once my transfer request goes through, which will be soon since I learned there is going to be an opening. And my union rep is working very hard to try and get me sent to a tempory job site.

You certainly sound like you know what you're doing and I'm glad you have a union rep who's working hard for you and taking care of you. Praying things work out. You definitely need to get away from these people.

St. Louis · Jun 30, 2018

Do you ladies think it's always necessary to tell a friend that you no longer want to socialize? I have a neighbor who has occasionally been a good friend and a fun companion, but I find her so abrasive and argumentative that I no longer want to see her on a social basis. "It's not you it's me." I.e., I'm by nature not argumentative at all and find all confrontations painful. I'd rather gnaw off my arm than to tell someone I don't like spending time with them any longer.

But I also know I've hurt this person's feelings by backing off. I'm always polite, but I just don't agree to see her anymore. (I don't make excuses -- I just say thank you, but I'm not available.)

Technically I'm not asking for advice, because I'm the kind of gutless wonder who will never say anything. I'm just wondering what you all would do and how you feel about this.

I don't think it's worth while going into detail about the friend's behavior; just trust me that it is really hard to take and has been for years.

Formeruser012523 · Jul 4, 2018

Ugh. This can be a tough call. It took me WAY too long to tell a friend I didn't want to be around them anymore. She was very argumentative and rude and there were times where I just let her vent and basically she was gaslighting me. Once I realized she had been using me, (I thought I was being nice, helping her with things she needed) it was too late.

It took a long time to get rid of her. I had no choice but to be forward and finally just cut her out of my life. Didn't hear from her again.

I won't tell you if you should do the same thing with this person. I don't know you or them. That's just my experience.

LizzieMaine · Jul 4, 2018

I've never had to do this with a friend, but I have had to do with it relatives, and it's pretty much the same kind of deal. You get to the point where you can feel the life being sucked out of you every time you're around them, and eventually it gets to where, OK, this isn't doing either of us any good. It doesn't mean you hate them, it just means you've only got a finite number of hours in your life, and when you get to the end of the string, will you find yourself thinking "I wish I'd spent more time with so-and-so?"

Of course, sometimes the decision ends up getting made for you. My sister threw me out of her house fifteen years ago for feeding her kids pizza, and I haven't seen her or talked to her since. Life has gone on and I haven't mourned the loss of the relationship.

St. Louis · Jul 4, 2018

You fed them pizza! You actually sound like a great aunt.

Seriously, there was probably a lot of other nonsense underlying her behavior toward you, but if she didn't have the emotional maturity to recognize that, then her absence is obviously not a major loss. I'm sorry if that meant that you don't get to see her kids, though.

Just to clarify for Mae, my friend is a kind, generous person. There's nothing morally wrong with her. She's hard to be around b/c she's abrasive and argumentative, but she has never treated me shabbily. The fact that she's an emotional vampire isn't really a moral issue -- more of a psychological one. I'm aware that I should probably have been more assertive a long time ago.

TimeWarpWife · Jul 6, 2018

Thankfully, the few people I've cut ties with made it easy because they also always expected me to be the one to call or visit. I simply stopped calling and visiting them.

sheeplady · Jul 6, 2018

This is hard. I'm not someone who goes out of her way to avoid conflict, however, I've done the slow fade most often.

After having cancer, I really needed to re-evaluate who I had in my life. I'm not as energetic as I was before, I was spread too thin. And quite frankly I was hurt with how some people behaved (unsupportive, making it about them). I discovered that one woman who paid a lot of lip service to how special I was to her (her words were I was like her "second daughter") was really using me and had been for years. In 9 months of cancer treatment she brought part of 1 meal, showed up once to watch my daughter (on the wrong day and then complained about how busy and sick she was and left), and took me out to eat once. This is compared to people I barely knew who brought me food twice a month or took me to the doctor twice a month or watched my daughter multiple times. Meanwhile she made it clear I wasn't working hard enough for free on joint projects with her. (I had left work at that time.) I did the slow fade. She pops up once and awhile when she wants me to do something, I placate her with a few minutes time investment into an email or ignore her.

What made it easy for me (as hurtful as all this was) was understanding that I had limited resources and had to decide who I would spend them on. That made it less about me hurting her (which has never been my intention) or protecting myself. It became more about growing relationships with those people I love and who love me. I make active choices in my life, and my friendships are one of those choices. The truth is, the more time I invested in her the less time I had to invest in my true friends.

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