My wife left, with my oldest friend,divorce imminent, help???

I am so sorry if this is the wrong forum for this. I am so lost. Everyone here seems level headed and intelligent and honest. I just needs some sort of guidance. Maybe an outlet, I don't know anymore....

I just turned 40 the other day.. I thought I had found the woman for my lifetime.
I was wrong. So very wrong.

A month ago, I came home to an empty house. There was the stove and a couch, that was all that was left of my life. Even the dog was gone. There was no warning of her actions. We had an argument, over a woman, who I only knew as an outside acquaintance from a previous employer. My wife went to the store, with one of my oldest friends, a guy who was always around, so I thought nothing of it. She came back an hour later in a literal rage. I've never seen her that angry. She confronted me about this woman in question. I told her the truth, the woman had thrown out bait in the form of nude pictures, in my email. Which I turned down. I am married, she was married. She had gotten the wrong idea. This was 18 months ago and I never spoke to this woman again.

The odd thing was that later my "friend" claimed she confronted HIM with the pics of this woman, and he admitted that the woman had sent me the pics. He was there when it happened. He saw them himself. He KNOWS I never touched her, which he in fact encouraged me to do. All of these red flags I couldn't see at the time.. they are so clear now.

Four days after moving out, my wife went and retrieved her laptop while I was at work. My Gmail was logged in, as I don't have anything to hide, just as my cell phone has no PIN code on it. She found the pics and saved them, then emailed them back to me from her email address with a hate filled tirade. Funny enough, she supposedly had these pictures five days before, the night before she left. Hmmmm someone is lying or someone is a time traveler.

She named this person and knew her city of residence as well as her employer. None of which was in the email, it was just pictures. Nothing more. She also knew this woman's hair color, but in the pics, her hair color was completely different. At any rate, he had to have told my wife, because the facts don't add up.

Yes, I was wrong, but I never requested the pics, and cut the woman off completely after she did what she did.

Short version to get to our current time frame, is that my ex friend told his wife, he was in love with my wife. "IN LOVE" were his exact words, according to his wife, this was a year ago or more. She never came to me with it, out of shock, embarrassment and shame. Who can blame her there?

So, he now had motive and opportunity to sink my ship, and he did. It get's even better. My neighbors later told me that HE helped her load the moving truck, the whole day I was at work. Now, people around town are seeing them together, and he is introducing her as his girlfriend. Yes, another man's wife. Whilst he has a wife of his own.

This is almost funny.

I guess my main question here after some background is this... How do I move on? I have been staying with my brother, because my house was empty and it hurts too badly to be there. I have completely changed it, painted it and purchased new furniture and things. But I can't be there alone more than an hour. It's just too hard. I am in school and working but for financial reasons I can not leave right now. It's sad because I love the house, I found it and began renting it while I was homeless, so to me it's a special place, that saved my life in many ways. Now it's tainted in a sense.

I was a mess for weeks when she left. I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost 26lbs in three weeks. Meanwhile, she never skipped a beat it seems. We spoke on the phone the night after she cleared the house out. I didn't recognize my own wife. She was so cold and ruthless and just kept on stone walling me. She kept repeating that she couldn't change how she felt, and that her "heart shifted." Which struck me very odd. What a strange choice of words and terminology to me. I've literally never heard that before from anyone. She cut me off completely and blocked me on all forms of contact you can name. Meanwhile I find out that he was constantly at my house, before I got home from work and until late morning hours after I was home. I finally had to tell him to go home and not come around so much. My wife started a fight with me over that. She said his wife was fighting with him etc. Well he needs to fix his marital problems or end things, not hide at my house.

He is now going around and introducing her as his girlfriend. I mean, this is like a bad comedy wrapped in a Shakespearean tragedy. None of our close friends can believe this has happened.

I know I am likely better off in the long run, if she did this now, after less than two years of marriage, then she would have done it in five years, or ten, and then I would be financially liable as well as being emotionally destroyed.
This has hit me harder than anything in my life, losing my parents, losing a close friend very unexpectedly to a brain hemorrhage, nothing has hit me this hard. We did't have a perfect marriage, we fought about things, mostly money, but I adored and loved my wife completely and I still do. I feel like we could have worked things out, had he not been in her ear, and many others close to us made the same statement.

I'd appreciate any insights or advice here. As of now, I just go to work and school and home, and try to stay busy. She made her choice, and in my opinion in a very cowardly and underhanded way. He betrayed me completely as well. How does one trust ever again after this?

Thank you all for listening and reading this drawn out mess.

Lost Ronin—I am so sorry you are going through this. I think painting and refurnishing was a great idea, maybe it just needs a little more time. Getting a new lock would be great too.
If divorce is imminent, I would be careful to retain/record any correspondence. As well as proof that the pictures were uninvited.
Moving forward, you will need a strong support network. You mentioned you were staying with your brother, do you have other family in the area? You could pick up a new hobby--meet new people. It doesn't have to cost money. You could start jogging, join a community theater group, start a book club etc.
Good luck!

MarieAnne said:

Lost Ronin—I am so sorry you are going through this. I think painting and refurnishing was a great idea, maybe it just needs a little more time. Getting a new lock would be great too.
If divorce is imminent, I would be careful to retain/record any correspondence. As well as proof that the pictures were uninvited.
Moving forward, you will need a strong support network. You mentioned you were staying with your brother, do you have other family in the area? You could pick up a new hobby--meet new people. It doesn't have to cost money. You could start jogging, join a community theater group, start a book club etc.
Good luck!

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Hello, and thank you for the kind words. I have changed the locks. I do have proof the pics were not invited, and my response to her was not pleasant.

I have people around me that support me. I am just doing the best I can. Day by day. It is very much like a death, the shock and grieving of it all. The feelings of total and permanent loss.

I am back in the gym here, it's a good stress reliever and I need to lose more weight anyway.
Each day is a little better, but the last couple have been brutal mentally. Life is very strange, and we never truly know what life holds for us.

You're quite right that it is similar to grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone does it differently, and it just takes time. Be kind and patient with yourself, and give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel.

I'm glad you are going to the gym. Simply exercising can be a great mood booster. If you have goals, even better.

You mentioned this might be a good thing; maybe you dodged a bullet. I agree 100%.

What are you studying? If you don't mind me asking. Perhaps there is an acquaintance who could become your housemate. It could reduce the loneliness, as well as the financial strain of having a place to yourself.

Depending on your line of work and schooling, maybe it's time for an adventure. A few months working abroad? It won't be easy, but it will be challenging, scary, and exciting. You'll never be as young as you are today. You could teach English, work on a cruise ship, work at a resort...etc.

I am sorry to hear this. I had gone through a similar thing a few years ago. The patterns of her behaviors and those of your friend/acquaintance are very familiar and reveal someone who was unhappy and looking to rationalize and deflect their own betrayal by trying to turn you into a bad guy. She strayed. This happens all the time.

This feels tragic and confusing now, but in time you should come to look back on it as a turning point in your life, like going through the necessary pain of a surgery in order to restore your health. You'll only wish that it didn't happen sooner.

I went through several years of bitterness and grieving. People giving me all kinds of goofy advise, which I came to realize is pretty much useless if they've never actually been through a similar thing. This was all part of the process, and I came to learn how to stay focused on myself, my children and the future rather than the past and someone else's issues. There is so much in your own needs and future to focus on and dedicate yourself to.

If there are minor children involved, make a visit to forum.mensdivorce.com and see what a forum of experienced dads can offer.

Thank you both for your replies and advice.
Thankfully, the aren't children involved in this mess.

I'm in school for nursing currently. I'd like to travel but unfortunately at the moment it's not financially feasible. I'm much better than I was a few weeks ago. I just keep moving forward as best as i can. I'm reminded of Churchill, "when you're going through Hell, keep going."

I take solice in the knowledge that this won't last for either of them. How can it? Such relationships never do. No matter how this plays out, my former friend will end up on the losing end of things. He just doesn't know it yet.
It's rather morbid and I honestly don't wish anything bad on them. I'm just making an observation about such things as I've seen play out with others.
If she'll leave and abandon her own husband, then she will certainly do it to the next guy.

Once again thank you all. Writing and even typing is cathartic as they say. I believe they are correct.

One or the best forums on the net is right here

There being no kids involved will make it much easier for you going forward, insofar as it allows you the opportunity to make a clean break. Probably worth speaking to a lawyer now about legal ramifications and proceedings so that you're clear on exactly where you stand in relation to assets and all sorts.

These things coming out of the blue can cause significant psychological upset. About fifteen odd years ago (was a time I could told you to the minute, now I don't remember the date!) a girl I had been engaged to for all of five weeks announced that she didn't love me any more and that she just wanted to be friends. Then she took two weeks to get out of my place. It dragged on for months after that - obviously, it was some time before I got over it, but she hung around in the same social circle (there was, to my knowledge, noone else involved, though I later found out that not long after she left she started casually sleeping with a mutual friend). Later discovered there was a lot of spiteful stuff said about me behind my back - some of our once mutual friends cut her off over it; the spite went open when she heard I had moved on, though she refused to accept it for a long time. Managed to create an atmosphere which did for a new relationship I as in almost a year later, then after that there was the libel and the discovery that she had been hacking my email. Looking back, it was real messy for a long time. Fortunately, friends stuck by me - she pushed them to take sides,and it kinda backfired on her. It all rather took a toll - it was years later I was diagnosed as depressive, but in retrospect what I at the time just took as a 'normal' part of a split like that was doubtless exacerbated by my depressive tendencies. I don't think it was the cause, but it certainly was a trigger for a significant period of attack. Which, all that said, means my advice aside from getting on the ball on the legal is to make as clean a break as you can as soon as possible (this may be connected to the legal -and remember, of course, that you can do a lot of this with the legal), and lookout for your own mental health. It's a nasty experience and nothing other than time will really make you feel much better, but you can prevent it from being worse than it has to be - you'll find a lot improves dramatically once you are ready to move on (the circumstances may or may not make this easier for you; I think I'd have moved on a lot faster had I been openly left for someone else). Reclaiming your own space is helpful too. You had that house before she moved in, if I'm reading your post right - it's your space, not hers. Don't let her poison any more of your life than she already has.

Change all your passwords as well as your locks, needless to say. Cut her off on social media. Don't engage, except through lawyers. Don't be goaded into saying anything on record that might later be held against you - and don't care, if lies are told about you, about people who believe them. Anyone who matters won't, and in any case most people will quickly see through them. I'm reminded also of the words of an old friend's late father - "The best revenge is not being like them." Don't let it make you bitter or hold you back, long term, in getting on with your own life. In time you'll begin to see this as a lucky escape.

Lost Ronin said:

Writing and even typing is cathartic as they say. I believe they are correct.

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It is indeed. Writing letters to your ex on the situation BUT NEVER POSTING THEM (just stick 'em in a box) can help you work a lot out - then burn them once you do. (I once had a Bonfire of the Ex and burned everything - letters, cards, photos, the lot. When I was ready to do it, it was extremely cathartic and I've never regretted keeping nothing.)

Also,as you are studying, it would be worth making a tutor aware of what you're going through. They'll be bound by confidentiality and such, but it can be useful should you need to apply for extenuating circumstances re any assessment you might have coming up. I sit on committees where we do make these sorts of decisions, and this is the sort of situation that would be taken seriously by them. Don't let you academic record suffer.

Thank you all so much.

I've spoken to my counselor at school. Turns out she was left by her husband with young children at home. Very messy. She's been great about it all. Knowing first hand how brutal it can be.

Someone stated earlier not to believe lies. Well my former friend told her many lies about me. It's funny that I'm somehow the bad guy here to them. I'm not the one who left my wife and ran off with my best friends wife.

Amazing is that people can justify anything. Legally I'm in the clear. We've never merged finances or incomes or filed taxes together. She took her things and left mine. Lawyers have told me this will be over fast. As there is nothing to fight over. Being of lower class has come in handy for once. LOL

Thank you all. Its really been a big help to me here.