Overdressed for a funeral

Paisley · Jun 8, 2007

As I understand it, a white dress was a luxury not affordable to all in the 19th century and before. The poem seems to show that a variety of colors were worn then.

As for the current symbolism of white, that color is the choice of brides who have never been married. That is according to Miss Manners' Guide to Excruiciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin. She further mentions that the color isn't a commentary on the body of the person wearing it.

I never would have guessed you had such an interest in wedding gowns.

jamespowers · Jun 8, 2007

Paisley said:
As for the current symbolism of white, that color is the choice of brides who have never been married. That is according to Miss Manners' Guide to Excruiciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin. She further mentions that the color isn't a commentary on the body of the person wearing it.

I never would have guessed you had such an interest in wedding gowns.

The symbolism changed eh? lol
There were likely other colors but the consequences don't look too promising in the poem. :eusa_doh:
I didn't have an interest in wedding gowns until I got married.

Regards,

J

Lady Day · Jun 9, 2007

scotrace said:
What is proper for an African-American funeral?

In my experiences, it depends on how religious the family is. Chances are, you are going to be more formal at the wake (if its in a funeral home/ church) than the funeral.

Ive seen people wear bright colorful numbers to funerals in my home town as well as the standard black and conservative. Big hats are always in, no matter what.

I wore a black tunic pants suit I made to my Mamas funeral. The entire family wore breast cancer ribbons. That was nice.

I think I looked the part, but of course, that was not by biggest concern.

LD

Feng_Li · Jun 9, 2007

Samsa said:
I might hesitate in wearing a hat, just because it would possibly call attention to myself.

Only if you fail to remove it, I should think.

Lincsong · Jun 9, 2007

Since I know many people and I have a LARGE family I end up attending a funeral or wake every so often. The last one was about 2 months ago. It was the wake and I was the only man there in a suit.

The casket was closed so I didn't know how the deceased was dressed. The deceased was an octogenarian and even the elderly people in attendance dressed more appropriately for a round of golf than a funeral. I've attended some wakes where the dress was less formal and more casual, but at the funeral/burial the men wore suits.[huh] Probably since so few people people have an extensive suit wardrobe is why you see many people wearing non black colored suits.

About 13 years ago I went to a wake and the deceased was dress in a suit with a couple boxes of cigars resting against his torso.

At another, the deceased was dressed in 49er teamwear.

What I do notice that is missing from funerals lately is the hysterical women screaming, whaling and fainting in the funeral home.

Jessica Reinard · Jun 9, 2007

I know that at a wedding, ladies should not remove their hat until the mother of the bride does so. My grandmother brought me up by this rule and although she adhered to it, she always out did the brides mother with a very large brimmed hat cocked to one angle.

But back to funerals, and appropriate attire. What would you want people to wear to your funeral?

Senator Jack · Jun 9, 2007

Posted by Lincsong:
What I do notice that is missing from funerals lately is the hysterical women screaming, whaling and fainting in the funeral home.

I always thought this was an Italian custom, along with trying to climb into the coffin.

If not, that's a very astute observation, Linc, and certainly an indication of a culture shift that's on the horizon.

Regards,

Senator Jack

Flitcraft · Jun 9, 2007

Interesting that ths topic should come up now- I've had to attend 6 funerals in the last 4 months.
I've settled on a Ralph Lauren dark grey chalk-striped suit with plain white shirt and plain black tie. Its really the only outfit that hasn't proven to be too extreme. Some attendees show up in jeans, workout gear, funny t-shirts, you name it. Some show up in suits or nice dresses.
I mostly try to find a happy medium.
While I do think its disrespectful to under dress, I would settle for someone who shows up at least clean and then behaves respectfully, but even that is raising the bar too high sometimes.

Emmababy · Jun 9, 2007

i would never wear a hat, a hankerchief or possibly even makeup. definitely not red lips.

Bebop · Jun 9, 2007

I just noticed this thread and had to chime in. My father passed away on May 18th and at his funeral, there was a couple of guys I had never met that were friends of his, that for some reason, decided to attend wearing t-shirts and jeans and baseball caps. Everyone was wearing their best of the best clothing and here were two of his pals, sitting there in let's-dig-a-ditch attire. My father was always dressed as if he were running for office so I was amazed that his friends would dress this way at his funeral. The whole funeral, I was transfixed on their attire. I found myself getting a little annoyed that these guys couldn't at least wear a shirt or something. I found out they were friends from a soccer club which he had been a member. I ended up joking with them that I thought they were the gardeners on break because of how they were dressed. They told me my father had a running joke with them about how horrible they dressed and wanted to honor him for the last time by not changing a thing about the running joke. I eased up after meeting them and understood....somewhat.
Point being, funerals are very personal to everyone that attends and sometimes it's alright to not be in uniform.

By the way, my mother did want to crawl in the coffin with my dad. There is no tattoo as permanent as hearing your mother, while bent over a coffin, yell "take me with you" at the top of her lungs and cry like a good Italian wife.

farnham54 · Jun 9, 2007

Bebop, I'm sorry for your loss.

You make an excellent point. For insurance purposes, before obtaining a policy, I had to fill out a legal will. I figured I'd make it as complete as possible--Last Will and Testament, I feel, shouldn't be all about who gets what. It should be your wishes; as such I described my funeral:

Aloha shirts preferred, theme of 'island life'. No casket. Open air service; music before and after the service. Open bar. Chairs. A word from a Priest who won't object to my other wishes, and after that, everyone has to tell the most embarassing story about me so everyone can have a good laugh.

Now, god forbid anyone will need to read that particular thing any time soon (I'm not 22 years old yet!) but if it SHOULD happen, I'd like that my wishes were obeyed. You see, that very much describes my personality. I don't want anyone wasting a day in unnessecary sorrow, least of all on my account. So I encourage a happy, fun environment where my friends and family can celebrate my life, not mourn my death. Mourning is a private, internal process, why force it upon others with black veils and solemn cerimonies? I mean damn, I'm DEAD at this point, it should be OBVIOUS that there will be people upset that I'm gone (I hope

), and they shouldn't need to broadcast it with black. But I digress;

My point is the funeral should be about the life of the deceased, not the attire of the living. Attire should be respectful to that life of the deceased, not held to some hard-and-fast rule that some Style Police came up with 80 years ago because it was the 'norm' for generations before that.

Cheers
Craig

Lincsong · Jun 9, 2007

Senator Jack said:
I always thought this was an Italian custom, along with trying to climb into the coffin.

If not, that's a very astute observation, Linc, and certainly an indication of a culture shift that's on the horizon.

Regards,

Senator Jack

"Climbing into the coffin", I didn't mention that one, and then there's the women who grab the body in the coffin and start hugging it. What about the women trying to jump into the grave as they're lowering the coffin?; "take me with you, don't go". Jack, ever notice that when the women faint they always walk amongst a group of men so that they are caught when they fall backward?

One of my cousin's and I were talking a couple months ago about lack of hysterical behavior at funerals lately, and how funerals aren't like that anymore. Both of us have had our share of those funerals, he more than I since he's older. It always was the same scenario; women inside, men outside talking or playing cards on the hood of someone's Pontiac and the kids sitting in the pews looking bored.

Samsa · Jun 9, 2007

farnham54 said:
My point is the funeral should be about the life of the deceased, not the attire of the living. Attire should be respectful to that life of the deceased, not held to some hard-and-fast rule that some Style Police came up with 80 years ago because it was the 'norm' for generations before that.

That's an interesting perspective. I used to feel the same way, but have changed my thoughts a little after reading The Undertaking: Life Studies from the Dismal Trade by Thomas Lynch (a funeral director and poet here in Michigan). His point was that funerals are really for the living - a way for relatives and loved ones to get closure on what's happened and to grieve in their own way.

TheKitschGoth · Jun 9, 2007

Most people I know have already said that they want people in brightly coloured outfits at their funerals, very few people seem keen on people wearing black, so maybe it's not a sign of any disrespect.

Lincsong · Jun 9, 2007

What happened to the flowers?

I've also noticed that the amount of flowers at funerals have dropped off markedly. You used to go to a funeral and there would be a wall of flowers around the coffin. Now there's just a couple dislays. There were so many flowers at funerals in the past the funeral homes used to have flower cars, El Camino styled cars to carry all the flowers behind the hearst. I haven't see that in a long time.

Roger · Jun 10, 2007

Senator Jack said:
I always thought this was an Italian custom, along with trying to climb into the coffin.

Regards,

Senator Jack

and I always thought that trying to climb into the coffin was a Portuguese custom.

Miss Brill · Jun 10, 2007

When I see Patsy Ramsey's veil at JonBenet's funeral I always think, WTH? Who just happens to have a veil on hand? [huh]

For funerals I say wear your best, whatever your best may be.

I grew up watching my cousins getting ready for dates--with their hair feathered just right, their platform shoes well polished, their velour pullovers immaculate, and their jeans ironed to perfection. To some people jeans are dressy, and they don't wear them sloppily. Some people wear expensive suits & still look like slobs. Some people will always be a pig's ear.

Flitcraft · Jun 10, 2007

Well, funerals really are to comfort the living, but to me, it is one last way to show respect to the deceased.

jgilbert · Jun 11, 2007

A friend of mine rode a bike and he ask that those friends wear their riding gear. So some of us were in suits and others in biker leathers. Those in ties and those in leather could not have cared less how the other group was dressed. We stood side by side tell and listening to stories. We were all there to say farewell to a friend and stroll down memory lane together.

On an all together different note. A person that works in our plant died. And I did ask how to dress because of the over dressed concern. Oh no was the answer, they expected some of us to dress to our "title". Most were in just a shirt and slacks, mainly a Docker style pair. all were clean some so new the store lines still in the pants.

Has this ever happen to anyone here?

farnham54 · Jun 11, 2007

Samsa said:
His point was that funerals are really for the living - a way for relatives and loved ones to get closure on what's happened and to grieve in their own way.

Absolutley, I agree--funerals are held so that the family and friends are able to get closer. So, they are FOR the family, but they should still be ABOUT the deceased. It's a grey (or gray?) distinction; and again, it depends on personal preference.

Another morbid tale of 'about the deceased' or 'about the family' is an organ donor card--it took WEEKS of making things clear to my parents that I wanted to be an organ donor. Finally they relented; fact is, if I had just mentioned it once, and never asked "how do you feel about that?"--they could have overridden my wishes and my organs would have, in my mind, gone to waste. Well, all but the liver. I've already screwed that one up myself!

Cheers
Craig

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