Ladies and Gents, A dating issue/question

MsGlamour · Nov 1, 2007

So I've been browsing around a bit since I'm new and I came across threads about dating and men just being gentlemen in general. I found these very informative and interesting to read different view points. I also found it very refreshing to see there are men who still have not only manners but some common sense!
However, I have a dilemma.
My current love (we've been together 4 years) is not.... well let's say he's not very gentlemanly (if that's even a word).
I guess in retrospect he never really was. Maybe it's just me that's changed. But I know that I definitely want someone who treats me like a darn lady! I don't receive compliments of any sort really (and I like to think I'm very attractive) and he gets fussy when I ask to him to do little "manly" things like take out the trash or kill a spider.:eusa_doh: I don't even really think of myself as "old fashioned" but this is ridiculous.
I don't know if this is really a question per se, but have any of you lovely ladies ever dealt with a guy like this? And if there are any men reading, any advice for a gal?

Thanks in advance

MG <3

Elaina · Nov 2, 2007

Yes, yes I have. And I filed the divorce papers on him last week.

Unfortunately, it comes down to what you want to do. It got too much for me, and I decided I wanted something more becuase *I* deserved something more. Your milage may vary, and you may decide these aren't thinks that can make or break your relationship. To some they are, some can deal with it.

BegintheBeguine · Nov 2, 2007

Elaina, I hope everything works out for the best for you. You deserve it.

MsGlamour · Nov 2, 2007

Elaina said:
Yes, yes I have. And I filed the divorce papers on him last week.

Sometimes I wonder if it's not about being strong enough to put up with it, but being strong enough to walk away.

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. That's never an easy thing, but you seem wise enough to know when it's not working for you and that's half the battle right there.:eusa_clap

Elaina · Nov 2, 2007

LOL well, thanks you all, but it was a long time coming. I don't feel bad (well, except for the fact I have NO idea where I'm at and everything in this town closes at 7).

As to the strength, yes. I think that's what it is. Sometimes it's harder to walk away and admit to failure then it is to stay and be miserable. I didn't mean to sound down about it, I'm not. We've been seperated for a couple months legally, but it's been about the last year it's been heading to it, just make sure YOU are safe with your choices.

Lincsong · Nov 2, 2007

Elaina said:
LOL well, thanks you all, but it was a long time coming. I don't feel bad (well, except for the fact I have NO idea where I'm at and everything in this town closes at 7).

bahahahahhaha You're killing me.lol lol How do you not know where you're at??????

Elaina · Nov 2, 2007

Because I fell asleep on the way in. I woke up, I was in Memphis. Fell asleep and I woke up again, I was in Mississipi, repeat...I was in the middle of a kudzu laden road. I turn to my dad: "Where am I?"

Dad: "About 10 miles from the house."

I stayed silent...20 miles later...I see...an empty bank, a garage, and...my parent's house.

Now in all honesty, I kinda know where I am on a map, maybe.

carter · Nov 2, 2007

Ladies,
You both deserve better. Yes, it may (probably does) take more strength to leave/walk/run away but it's a lot healthier in the end. No one, male or female, deserves to be treated badly.
Elaina, you have to know that you made the best and healthiest decision for you. That's the bottom line.
MsGlamour, the best time to get off the bus is before it leaves the station. I hope you make the decision that is in your own best interest.
There are men in the world that aren't cads. I hope you both find one of your own.
Carter

Elaina · Nov 2, 2007

I KNOW it was the best for me. I just stayed away from the online groups and my friends until I got myself back to me. It's no fun listening to someone lament their loss, and I hate being that person anyway, and now I can just say "Didn't work out, got the papers to prove it going" without explaining the whys (not that I care if someone else does it, but gosh I can be a bitter viper.)

Not looking for anyone else, truth be told. If it happens, cool, if not, cool. I'm just cool that way? But I agree, no one deserves someone that makes you feel bad. And frankly, no woman deserves to kill her own spiders.

carter · Nov 2, 2007

Elaina said:
I KNOW it was the best for me. I just stayed away from the online groups and my friends until I got myself back to me. It's no fun listening to someone lament their loss, and I hate being that person anyway, and now I can just say "Didn't work out, got the papers to prove it going" without explaining the whys (not that I care if someone else does it, but gosh I can be a bitter viper.)

Not looking for anyone else, truth be told. If it happens, cool, if not, cool. I'm just cool that way? But I agree, no one deserves someone that makes you feel bad. And frankly, no woman deserves to kill her own spiders.

lol :eusa_clap lol :eusa_clap lol :eusa_clap

AMEN to that!

Jovan · Nov 2, 2007

You guys are just plain offensive. Really. How could you?

...

You take a glass and a piece of paper to get the spider outside WITHOUT killing it. lol

Really though, if you think you deserve better... you usually do. I've already decided I don't want to date this person -- better now than later.

Elaina · Nov 2, 2007

Uhm no.

Crickets get invited to leave, strongly, but if I have to kill a spider, or see it, I scream like a girl and throw things at it (cause I have toxiphobia, so I can't spray the little buggers) then beat at it with someone else's shoe until it no longer resembles anything alive, and usually hurt myself in the process.

Never heard of this glass and paper. Sounds scary.

RedHotRidinHood · Nov 2, 2007

MsGlamour said:
So I've been browsing around a bit since I'm new and I came across threads about dating and men just being gentlemen in general. I found these very informative and interesting to read different view points. I also found it very refreshing to see there are men who still have not only manners but some common sense!
However, I have a dilemma.
My current love (we've been together 4 years) is not.... well let's say he's not very gentlemanly (if that's even a word).
I guess in retrospect he never really was. Maybe it's just me that's changed. But I know that I definitely want someone who treats me like a darn lady! I don't receive compliments of any sort really (and I like to think I'm very attractive) and he gets fussy when I ask to him to do little "manly" things like take out the trash or kill a spider.:eusa_doh: I don't even really think of myself as "old fashioned" but this is ridiculous.
I don't know if this is really a question per se, but have any of you lovely ladies ever dealt with a guy like this? And if there are any men reading, any advice for a gal?

Thanks in advance

MG <3

Yes. I divorced him over a year ago, and even though we are still friends and good co-parents, I could never imagine myself with someone like him again. Good man, kind man, good daddy, terrible husband. He ignored me most of the time and I let him, after awhile-I got tired of trying to get his attention. It was sad, but I realize how truly incompatible we were. I am now with my Louis, who is everything I could ever want in a man.

I asked my ex once that if he could fill my closet with anything in the world, what would he pick for me?

He said jeans and t shirts. No pretty things, no high heels, no lingerie, even! Now, I do wear jeans and t shirts sometimes, but when you are made to feel ridiculous for even dressing up a little bit, it gets to you. Especially when you want to impress the person you love. It was IMPOSSIBLE to impress him. He was not mean to me, just........apathetic. He was the true bump on the log. He was a good provider and never abused me, but I had to get out of there. I think I scared him anyway with my exuberance. We get along fine and are friendly, but that is ok-that's enough for our son.

If you aren't happy and only staying with him out of habit, maybe it's time for a change. It can be scary, but also very freeing. I am very glad that I got out when I did. Yes, it was hard for all of us, but it was also mutual. He wasn't happy with me either. I went WAY too fast for him. Our boy seems to be ok with stuff now, which is the most important thing. Good thing you don't have kids with him! It makes it easier.

good luck....be true to yourself and you can't go wrong.

Edward · Nov 2, 2007

MsGlamour, obviously I don't know you personally, but you don't strike me as unreasonable or a drama queen (and believe me, being one myself, I'm usually good at spotting them

). I can't claim to be anything of an expert in the relationship field - hell, I don't seem able to find a relationship at all these days, let alone a good one lol - but for what it's worth, I've been in a relaionship where in retrospect I wasn't treated anything like as well as I deserved, put up with it for far too long and would have put up with it permanently - in the end, she called it quits when we were engaged and in the middle of planning the wedding, and I was a mess for a long time. At this distance, though, I can see what a narrow escape it was I really had and I wish I'd had the gumption and just valued myself enough to get out at least a year before it came to an end. I think I really did know that I deserved better, but a lack of self-esteem convinced me otherwise and kept me there. Only you can decide what is best in your situation, but if you're not being valued as you should be and you're not happy, better out than in in my experience. I'd rather be dissatisfied and alone than dissatisfied and trapped in a relationship gonig nowhere.

Miss Sis · Nov 2, 2007

In my experience, staying thinking 'If we can just get over this, maybe things will get better...' just won't work in the end if you have fundamental differences in how you see things.

I was devestated when he called it off, but once I was out of there, I realised that we would have gone on forever , round and round in circles. I know not every relationship is ALWAYS smooth but we were never going to reach a compromise in the way we lived our lives, and this was someone who had all the same interests in a vintage way as me. So, when I started going out with someone else, I told him and he thought that a break from each other was going to make all the difference and I would come running back! He simply couldn't see that we were too different to be able to be together. So, if the person you are with can't let you be you, I can't see it working.

Elaina, welcome back. I had been wondering where you were. Sorry to hear you're having to go through all this. Hope we can at least cheer you up a bit here.

PADDY · Nov 2, 2007

Ms Glamour...

If you are voicing concerns, then you obviously have been mulling this over for some time and there are aspects of your partnership that you are not overly happy with.

I have no idea whether you have sat down together and spoken about your concerns, what you want out of life, what you want out of the relationship and maybe things that you had 'at the start of the relationship' that have now gone rusty with age or have died out.

But keeping the communication channels open is top priority in moving things forward in a positive way. So talking this over with your partner (if you haven't already) is a must.
And never try to 'guess' what is going on in another person's mind, because 99 per cent of the time, you'll guess wrong and it often just feeds reinforcing all the negative things you might be thinking, rather than the positives. So don't guess at something, talk and get things in the open.

I'd also advise, do it on neutral ground, so arrange to meet at a coffee/cake shop or diner, away from your home, so there is no sense of territory ownership when you talk things over.

At the end of the day, if you feel that things are getting to a point where 'you' and maybe your partner (you won't always know until you talk about it) are being emotionally 'dragged down' by things, then this is not healthy for either person, is it? You don't have a relationship to be permanently miserable or feel your emotions are being chipped away.

So, it sounds like you two could do with having a chat or two about your feelings and concerns, and if you feel it's worth saving, then even think about getting a professional third party in (eg: a relationship counsellor)..?

In your heart of hearts, do you feel (and think of all the good times you guys have had, as it's too easy to drag up every bad time, and think of what you liked about this guy when all those little heart shapes were floating before your eyes

)...do you feel this relationship is worth fighting for and investing in?

This is a question both of you need to ask yourselves maybe...

LocktownDog · Nov 2, 2007

Well, I can't really comment on your question right now in my rotten situation. But I do wish you the best. There's some good advice (and advisors) here.

Richard

KittyT · Nov 2, 2007

MsGlamour, I'm truly sorry to hear about your issues. Having an inconsiderate partner is just the worst. A few things I do need to say about this though:

* Do not expect him to know how you feel or what you are thinking unless you talk to him. Have you discussed your issues with him and let him know how you feel and what you need? Maybe you have, but if you haven't, please remember that he is only human and cannot read your mind.

* 4 years is a long time, and while it's unreasonable to stay with someone who doesn't appreciate you, it is also unreasonable to throw that out with any attempts at resolving the situation.

This would be my plan of action:

1. Talk to him and let him know what you need. Make sure that he is also getting everything that HE needs out of the relationship. His behavior might be a reaction to an issue that he's having that you're unaware of. See where this goes and mentally set a length of time in your head to evaluate any improvements in the relationship (say, 1 month).

2. At the end of that time period, re-evaluate the relationship and if you're still not satisfied, break it off. If he fights it and seems like he really wants to keep the relationship, give him a 2nd chance. EVERYONE deserves a 2nd chance, though few deserve a 3rd. Sometimes knowing that you really could lose something is enough to help kick you into high gear.

3. If you give him a 2nd chance, repeat #1. Be sure to leave lines of communication open, but set a length of time for yourself after which to reevaluate the situation and how happy you are in it. If it still hasn't improved, get out of there and find someone better who appreciates you.

This might take a little extra time and effort on your part, but it is important, and in the end, at least you'll be able to say that you tried.

Good luck!

deelovely · Nov 2, 2007

I soooo agree with KittyT's advice!! Please consider what she said....

nyx · Nov 2, 2007

RedHotRidinHood said:
good daddy, terrible husband. He ignored me most of the time and I let him, after awhile-I got tired of trying to get his attention. It was sad, but I realize how truly incompatible we were.

Wow, that was me and my ex-husband too. He's a good daddy, but was a horrible husband. I probably should have taken into consideration that his first marriage ended for pretty much the same reason :eusa_doh: Oh well. Live and learn. I agree with what the others have said. Don't settle for someone just to settle. You do have to compromise in relationships, but there are some things you shouldn't have to compromise on, and I think this is one of them.

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