On Gentlemen

Colonel · Dec 27, 2005

I don't recall ever hearing a rude comment when I've held the door open for someone. Occasionally they will say nothing, but most of the time, it's "Thank you" or at least a smile and a nod. I suspect that much of the difference is cultural/geographic. I live in a fairly small college town in central Florida. I could probably drive 45 minutes and find things very different in an urban area.

Tin Pan Sally · Dec 27, 2005

Ladies and Gentlemen

It's too bad your manners are being interpreted as a gender slam!

Braxton36 · Dec 27, 2005

Standing up and sitting down

I was taught that a gentleman should always stand up when being introduced to someone in a restaurant - male or female - but particularly female. I was also taught that a gentleman stands up when a lady enters a room - even in your own house. I've modified that to exclude other female relatives living in the house (ie daughters and wife) or I'd never get anything done for all the jumping up and down.

Tin Pan Sally · Jan 1, 2006

Modern Manners

Sometimes old-fashioned is confused for backwards. There is a huge difference in this gals opinion.
"Old fashioned" just means practicing common courtesy and treating others with respect. The swing guys I know do this.
"Backwards" would be treating others as helpless based on their race, gender, age or impairment.

Flitcraft · Jan 2, 2006

I prefer to be overly polite, rather than go in the other direction.
I think it was Bud Boetticher who described Randolph Scott as "formidabley courtly". That's what I'm shooting for....

Lincsong · Jan 3, 2006

Is it geographical?

I travel a lot and I find that when I'm in different parts of the country I am given different responses to plain manners. In New York, if I hold a door open to a woman it's 50-50 that I won't get my head bit off. In San Francisco, I am subjected to the Emanicpation Proclamation, a gruff get in I'll wait and the woman will wait until I enter before her. When in Dallas, Atlanta, St. Louis, Phoenix or Las Vegas it is usually expected and nothing is said other than "thank-you". In Chicago or Seattle it's 60% that I will be greeted with a thank-you and 40% I'll be lectured. Although I'm a native Californian, I find that Westerners and Southerners seem to be the most gracious. Is it me or has the country become divided geographically both in terms of politics and manners?:cheers1:

Colonel · Jan 3, 2006

Lincsong said:
...Is it me or has the country become divided geographically both in terms of politics and manners?:cheers1:

It is not you sir - that's just the way it is. I can't speak for other areas of the country, but in most of The South (excluding the urban areas where very few were actually raised in The South and were instructed in Southern manners) a woman ("lady" doesn't apply here) who would act the way I hear some described would be looked upon as though she were shouting a continual string of profanity. It just isn't done. Period. Now there are plenty who will ignore the gesture and pretend nothing happened, or maybe even say something like "thank you, but I'll get it", but fortunately I've never heard of a negative response. Plenty of positive and neutral, but never any negative. OK, I guess I just live a sheltered life - thank you, God.

Mycroft · Jan 4, 2006

Now that is a sweet reply John. Anyhow, the trick in my world as in my age group is that you must be consitant in your manners and opening doors etc. with women because otherwise it is just like you are trying to hit on them. So, I do it all the time and still continue on my dates, but since I am always(or I try to be) gentlemanly I do thing unexpected like open car doors too and also walk on the sidewalk next the street while the girl(s) I am with is on the inside. Anyone of you all do the street thing?

shindeco · Jan 4, 2006

I learned the "walk on the street side of the lady" rule from my mother when I was very young and it's ingrained. I've modified it somewhat as a good friend used to be driven to distraction whenever I changed sides as we crossed the street and turned left but it just feels wrong to walk on the inside.

scotrace · Jan 4, 2006

Me too

I always keep the woman on the inside, away from the street. This rule, as I understand it, comes from the days of horse travel, when roads were unpaved, muddy messes of manure. A man took the street side to protect her from the sloppage.

Flitcraft · Jan 4, 2006

Wow! That sounds more like something John Steed would say!

Marc Chevalier · Jan 5, 2006

Want confusing? The subway in Buenos Aires, Argentina was designed and built long ago by a British engineering firm. Even though Argentines have always driven on the right, the subway "drives" on the left. I wonder if the British did this wherever -- and for whomever -- they built subways?

Thursby · Jan 5, 2006

I have to say, here in jolly old Ohio, i have never had a bad comment made about opening doos for others. Most of the women seem to be slightly surprised by this action but alway thank me and smile. As far as guys go some so thank you also, others nothing. But i'm sure the day will come when someome says something less than complimentary to me for openiing the door for them.
Baron Kurtz: i have to say the british accent always comes in handy when downplaying an insult, i find a well timed line of heaverly accented english with some cockney throughn in the mix always baffels the person who just insulted me. [huh]

Jeffmo · Jan 5, 2006

The difficult art of not mis-signifying

To think that holding a door has become such a prickly gesture!

Mr. Jason · Jan 9, 2006

opening and standing

Where I work, Research Triangle Park, NC, when I hold the door I get mostly just blank stares. A few women that I have exchanged more that nods well say thanks.

Once in a while my wife has to go to Charlotte, she works for a bank, according to her the men at the bank would rather loose an arm than not hold the door.

What that all means I don't know I just thought I would refute the idea that it dosen't happen in big cities. There is something else that delineates the ladies who give atleast a smile and those that just walk through with a scowl. I'm sure most of you know what I mean. I'm having trouble putting it into words but it goes for men also.

A note on standing when a lady enters a room. Ladies, please, every once in a while, in a unformal occasion, when the man who is standing is about half up tell him to sit down. I don't know about the other gents here but to me it is the equivelent of a smile and a thank you for holding the door. Just don't do it every time or we will all get lazy.

Oh yea one more note on standing when a lady enters a room. This stems from Emily Post. If you are a hostess have everything you need near you when you sit down even going so far as to employ a small table near your chair. It drives me crazy when the hostess is up and down every five seconds, do we really need ketchup that bad.

Crap I've gotten long winded lately.

GateXC · Jan 11, 2006

I'll say that living in NYC that I pretty much always hold doors for women and have never gotten a negative comment in return. I also do the whole giving up my seat on the subway for women and walking on the street side of the sidewalk whilst on dates or with female friends. It's only ever gotten admiration - which I guess means that I tend to find the right kind of people who actually appreciate good manners as opposed to the uppity uber-feminist types.

One other good manner that I practice is to always let women in or out of elevators first. It gets some odd looks sometimes, but I've always done it and couldn't/wouldn't really change.

Senator Jack · Jan 11, 2006

Posted by GateXC -

I'll say that living in NYC that I pretty much always hold doors for women and have never gotten a negative comment in return.

That must be a record for this town. You can hold doors for women in the outer boroughs, where the older population remembers manners, and even for the office workers of mid-town who are going home to gorilla boyfriends. But as for any sort of Ann Taylor-clad businesswoman? I've nearly lost a finger or two. It's also difficult to judge the whole subway seat issue. A woman who is not quite old enough will resent being thought of as a senior; I've had that happen more than once. And, as noted, young women will of course think you're trying to pick them up. Women with kids always appreciate any gesture.of kindness.

But have you ever tried to give your seat to another man? They can have two broken legs and prefer to stand at the pole. And not only that, they'll give you a fight!

Regards,

Senator Jack

BettyValentine · Jan 12, 2006

I'm in NYC and I've noticed that a lot of men hold doors. Actually... a lot of women hold doors too. (I usually hold a door if I get to it first and there is someone coming out or approaching from right behind me.) When a guy holds a door I generally make a point of looking a little surprised. I always smile and say "Oh! Thank you." I add the "oh" to show that I wasn't necessarily expecting it or taking it for granted. (Rather the same way I react when someone gives me a gift, even if I wasn't surprised.)

No one has offered me a subway seat. I don't think I'd take it if someone did, because that would put someone else out. (holding a door hardly counts as being put out.) I don't think I would accept someone's coat either. Well... except the fiance. He always gives me the coat, the subway seat, etc. He also stands up for ladies at dinner tables.

As for doors... car doors and other sorts of doors should only be opened for the lady if the gentleman is in a position to get to it first. It would be silly to slow up the whole door-using process. Then again... I don't think I know a woman anymore who would sit and wait for the door to be opened.

BV

fibi · Jan 27, 2006

Quigley Brown said:
One thing I've never done...maybe just not the opportunity...on a chilly walk with a date to offer and place my suit coat over her shoulders. Do you think that would be appear overly gentlemanly?

No way ! My boyfriend does that for me. And he opens doors and stands up when I return to restaurant tables after visiting the loo... Haven't moved on to the advanced "opening the car door so the lady can get in it" yet though. But I am moulding him on my father, who is a true gentleman and treats my mother like the Queen of Siam.

jkath · Jan 27, 2006

I am a Holder of the Door, sometimes for groups of people. I just see it as keeping with a kinder way of thinking. Whenever someone holds a door for me, I look them in the eye and sincerely thank them. They didn't have to, they chose to be thoughtful. Generally, these are older gentleman, and quite often, it will strike up a conversation. I love that! If only more people would speak with those with which they are sharing a street or doorway!

PS - Baron Kurtz - brilliant!

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