Ettiquete: Men and Bridal Showers.

[MrNewportCustom]

Pardon the intrusion, Ladies, but I have some questions:

My younger brother is getting married next month (and again in October - to the same woman, of course) and yesterday he called to invite me to his bride-to-be's shower - TODAY. It didn't feel right to me, but I said I'd attend. This morning, though, I decided not to for two reasons:

1. Traditionally, a bridal shower is for the bride and her female friends. The men have a their own party.

2. I feel that less than twenty-four hours between invite and party isn't enough time, not to mention it made me feel like an afterthought.

I called my brother (had to leave a message - he didn't answer) and told him I wasn't going and why, and also told him I'd be happy to go to his bachelor party, given adequate notice (I didn't tell him the late invite made me feel like an afterthought).

Here are my questions:
Am I wrong for saying I'd attend, and then, eighteen hours later (and four hours before the shower) telling him I'm not?

Are my two reasons valid?


Thank you,
Lee
_______________________________

My eighteen hours in a Quandary, and how they grew.

 

[Lady Day]

They could be doing those new co-ed deals, men and women a t both parties. The fellas party being mini gold or go carting or fishing instead of the stripper.

Yeah, 24 hrs is a bit too short notice. These things generally have invites and RSVP lists and 'save the date cards'. But if it IS one of those new co-ed thinggies, they may be forgoing all that 'traditional' stuff.

I wouldnt have gone. Its independence day. How could I have gotten a gift together in such few hours. And you dont wanna be around a bunch of crazy ladies drunk and singing loudly....well, maybe you do

LD

 

[GWD]

Good for You!

Number 1, you're right, 24 hours notice is ridiculous I bet invitations were sent out at least a month ago.

Number 2, Men don't belong at "Bridal" Showers. Why do women insist on emasculating men today? Or is it a way for the future bride to get more gifts by inviting more people?

Number 3, Men don't belong at "Bridal" Showers!!!!!!

 

[BegintheBeguine]

This is weird. It's a bridal shower and not a bachelorette party, right? So the guys don't in fact have their own version of a bridal shower. The shower is given by her friends, so why did your brother call you? If it's a co-ed shower then you should have already gotten an invitation for you and your date, if applicable. I would've done the same thing, at first saying yeah, sure, and then thinking about it and changing my mind. Because the whole thing is weird. When I went to a co-ed shower (20 years ago, but still) as the best man's date, we already knew what items the bride wanted (I picked out a lovely ice bucket, and it wasn't easy to find just the right one). So it sounds like you were an afterthought, which is never fun. Don't feel guilty for changing your mind. You should've been first on the list.
The bridal shower is unabashedly about gifts. You weren't given enough time, so you decided not to go.

 

[Miss Neecerie]

Number 1, you're right, 24 hours notice is ridiculous I bet invitations were sent out at least a month ago.

Number 2, Men don't belong at "Bridal" Showers. Why do women insist on emasculating men today? Or is it a way for the future bride to get more gifts by inviting more people?

Number 3, Men don't belong at "Bridal" Showers!!!!!!

Since it was his -Brother- asking......please do not jump to some assumption that 'all women insist on emasculating men today' nonsense, when in this case it does not fit the situation in the slightest.

Clearly this is a case of the entire thing not really being a 'shower' in the traditional sense but rather a 'felicitations on your upcoming nuptuals party'...for which there is not a term and so people use 'shower'.

And trust me...-most- women get frilly naughties at their bridal shower and don't want you there either, emasculated or not

 

[KittyT]

I think the fact that men don't belong at bridal showers is enough reason for you to back out.

 

[MrNewportCustom]

For the record: My brother asked me because she told him to. I know this, because he told me.

She's not one to emasculate men, but she's certainly one who likes to bend people to her whims. I wanted to date her long before they even met, but she didn't want to date me because I was, in her words, "Too stubborn": She couldn't get me to do things I didn't want to do, even if I could afford to. That's why I stopped trying to date her. (I eventually came to the conclusion that, if we had started dating, we'd probably come close to blows with the argument we'd have breaking up.)

But this thread isn't about emasculation or stubbornness or who's dating whom. It's about men at bridal showers (they called it a Bridal Shower, so that's the term I'm using) and, based on the information I provided in the initial post, whether I was right or wrong to turn down the invitation after having accepted it.


Thank you again,
Lee

 

[patrick1987]

Clearly this is a case of the entire thing not really being a 'shower' in the traditional sense but rather a 'felicitations on your upcoming nuptuals party'...for which there is not a term and so people use 'shower'.

The term is engagement party and it already would have happened.
You did the right thing, Mr.

 

[Miss Neecerie]

The term is engagement party and it already would have happened.
You did the right thing, Mr.

Of course he did the right thing...no argument there..


But this -would have happened- already nonsense...-assumes- some clue of 'proper behavior and etiquette' of the parties...and other then our lovely poster....no -proof- of such a clued in state has been given...

Their idea of a 'shower' is co-ed...ours is not. They follow more modern rules...we do not.

Can argue til the cows come home about what a word -means- to various groups or people...and never reach a consensus on things, because the meaning of words -change- over time...

 

[patrick1987]

I was talking about the term. It's not nonsense, it's a timeline and I'm offended. I wasn't talking about the party-givers' intentions.

 

[MrNewportCustom]

They could be doing those new co-ed deals, men and women a t both parties. The fellas party being mini gold or go carting or fishing instead of the stripper.

LD

Anything, even fishing (ugh), is better than a stripper. lol

Counting the time I accompanied a friend to a strip club to deliver pictures he'd taken of one of the strippers, I've countered strippers and strip clubs a grand total of once.

Patrick: I always thought an Engagement Party was when the bride and groom have a party to announce their engagement.


Lee

 

[Miss Neecerie]

I was talking about the term. It's not nonsense, it's a timeline and I'm offended. I wasn't talking about the party-givers' intentions.

Its a -timeline- that people who follow the now 'old fashioned' etiquette follow.

-Modern- folks now send their wedding invites by email.....do you seriously think they follow a timeline they find antiquated and have an engagement part, then a shower, then a wedding?

I am merely stating that times -are- different, and so some peoples ideas of what a particular term means to -them- in the context of their wedding and associated festivities, is what the term means to -them-.

If they are inviting males to a shower, then to -them- the word 'shower' now is co-ed.

Whether anyone else follows it....or not. Much like we are polite, and mannerly whether anyone else follows it or believes in it or not.

 

[patrick1987]

Time for me to take a cold, not co-ed, shower!
I read 'felicitations on your upcoming nuptuals party' and thought 'engagement party'. I misunderstood. I have never heard of any couple actually having one.
No, unfortunately I seriously know people don't follow those traditional rules. I was just getting het up that Mr. wasn't invited until the last minute and when I read about the bride-to-be I got all mad at her for her rudeness. I apologize for spouting off.

 

[ShortClara]

Co-ed or no, 18 hours is not sufficient notice for any event which requires a gift. You were correct to turn this invitation down.

 

[Mike in Seattle]

What I've seen a few times recently is the bridal shower ("girlie stuff" with tea & cake & cookies) for the gals and a groom's shower ("guy stuff" - household tools, gardening implements with beer & cigars & burgers) for the guys. Engagement party, rehearsal dinner - coed, dressier ocassions.

But way too short a notice, especially for family. Sounds like they might've planned for lots more attending and called to check some of those who didn't RSVP and found they weren't coming, and some who had RSVP'ed "Yes" suddenly called to say they've deciding to stay home and knit a driveway cover or edge the lawn with manicure scissors. Invitations for anything except a really casual, tossed together event should be out at least 2 weeks in advance (whether by mail, telephone, email or issued in person). You're right - it's like a total afterthought. "And now so and so's not coming...call your brother so we've got another warm body at the table..."

And you don't even need to give an excuse. "Thanks for the invitation, but I have other plans." You don't have to say the other plans are doing nothing. "Thanks, but I'll have to pass this time." Or if you change your mind at the last minute, you can simply say something else has come up.

 

[freebird]

Anything, even fishing (ugh), is better than a stripper. lol

Counting the time I accompanied a friend to a strip club to deliver pictures he'd taken of one of the strippers, I've countered strippers and strip clubs a grand total of once.

Patrick: I always thought an Engagement Party was when the bride and groom have a party to announce their engagement.


Lee

You're one up on me Lee,but that is ok, I'm not going to have my feelings hurt by it. You did the right thing for 2 reasons.

1-24 hours or less isn't time enough for you to make arrangements-gift etc, even if you were inclined to go

2- as stated before, Bridal Showers, as the name states, are for the Brides and their girl friends.

 

[Smuterella]

I find all this adherence to formalities very odd. Perhaps things are just a lot more relaxed over here. I'd have said that yes, it is short notice, but that surely because of that a gift would not be expected.

Also, as it is such short notice, Iam sure noone will be offended by you saying no...

 

[Paisley]

Strictly speaking, you shouldn't back out of something at the last minute unless you're in the emergency room. Guests backing out at the last minute--or just not showing up--is one reason some of us rarely entertain.

If you don't want to attend something, just say that you're sorry, but you have other plans. You don't need a reason to decline an invitation to a bridal shower.

The part that piqued my interest, though, is that your brother is having two weddings.

 

[Foofoogal]

Even stranger to me is that in redneck country of Texas it is getting to be quite common among the younger groups. (maybe we are advancing) lol
I think maybe the grooms are there because they have to be so some buds come along for support.
The rule usually (anyway in Texas and may be everywhere) that the guys congregate in one area and ladies in another area.
Home Depot, Lowes and such is also given away.

I do not think 24 hrs is very nice or that cancelling is very nice but among family (since they all have their own languages, seriously) you would be the only one to decide if you done wrong or not.

Sort of my pet peeve lately. fftopic:
I believe noone can understand marriages or love relationships and what goes on behind closed doors except those 2 people and God and:
Noone can understand family dynamics unless one takes a time machine back to when they were 4 and 5 vying for mom and dads attention. Too much drama and events that noone can truly understand and best left alone for sure in taking sides.

 

[crwritt]

Why will there be two weddings, and will everyone be expected to attend another set of bride and groom showers, batchelor/batchelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, etc?
Just curious.