(When you've got bands of vigilante bakers on patrol, who needs Batman?)
A United States submarine operating in Japanese home waters has broken Navy records by sinking eight enemy ships totaling 70,000 tons and damaging and possibly sinking four more totaling up to 25,000 tons -- all in a single cruise, it was announced yesterday by Pacific Fleet Headquarters at Pearl Harbor. The little undersea boat, a lone wolf of the far Pacific, sank five of its confirmed victims within sight of people on the Japanese coast, and of those three were sunk in Japanese harbors. At one point during the cruise, the submarine was close enough to the shore that crew members could see the races going on at a Japanese track, and bet among themselves on the outcomes.
British combat patrols lashed today at advance elements of the German Afrika Korps line at El Aghelia in a prelude to an expected Eighth Army drive on Tripoli and a junction with the Allied army sweeping thru Tunisia. This first news of new ground activity after days in which the Eighth Army was impeded by wind, rain, and freezing temperatures, was believed to herald the approach of a new, and likely definitive drive.
Reports from Berlin predicted today that Pope Pius XII might soon make representations to belligerent nations against the bombing of civilians. The Nazi assertions that the Pope may issue such a statement are seen as an expression of the fear that Italy may soon crack under the terrific force of the present British aerial offensive.
Meanwhile, confidential reports received in London state that Premier Benito Mussolini is "seriously ill." Reports on conditions within Italy since the opening of the air offensive indicate that civilian morale is deteriorating sharply, and there have been increasing Nazi concerns over conditions in Italy as "the weak link of the Axis." It is also reported via diplomatic quarters in London that members of the banned Italian Socialist Party operating from underground cells outside Italy is working to foment a civilian campaign of "civil disobedience" against the Fascist regime. Should Mussolini fall ill or die at this time, the consequences may prove so far reaching as to knock Italy out of the war.
(The cheap, flimsy decorations found in nightclubs, made of largely of fabric and cardboard, have been for many years a disaster waiting to happen. And now it has.)
An eighteen year old Bushwick youth arrested for burglarizing an elegant Manhattan restaurant told police he was driven to crime by hunger after running away a month ago from home. The series of burglaries at Leone's Restaurant, fashionable theatrical eatery at 239 W. 48th Street in the Broadway district were committed, according to police by John Paulsen, formerly of 519 Bushwick Avenue, who was caught prowling near the back of the restauarant around 5:15 this morning. Police say Paulsen admitted to robbing the establishment five times over the past two weeks, using a key he "found in the immediate neighborhood." In addition to $80 to $100 taken from the till during each robbery, Paulsen admitting also to taking about half a dozen cartons of cigarettes each time, which he turned over to friends in Times Square for resale. "The dirty thieves," he bitterly acknowledged, "didn't come across with the money."
With gasoline rationing effecive as of today across the entire United States, motorists have until December 12th to submit to tire inspections. New York State OPA administrator Lee S. Buckingham stressed that all motorists must have tire inspection certificates covering the five tires they are permitted to own in their possession by that date or face penalties. Meanwhile, Federal Price Administrator Leon Henderson again denounced efforts by a Congressional faction to halt the nationwide implementation of the rationing program as "either ignorant or traitorous." The national rationing system is designed to conserve vital rubber by reducing the annual use of passenger cars from an average of 9000 miles a year to an average of 5000 miles per year, with owners of non-essential vehicles facing a limit of approximately 2880 miles per year.
("Rotated various parts of her anatomy?" sniffs Gypsy. "HOW GAUCHE.")
The Amen Office at Borough Hall officially closed its doors today, with the original appropriation for operations from December 1938 having now fully expired. A skeleton staff will remain at Borough Hall for a short time to handle last bits of official business, mostly of a technical nature. Edward L. Rea, administrative assistant to former Assistant Attorney General John H. Amen, now Major Amen of the U. S. Army, stated today that the final Amen Report covering all aspects of the office's three year investigation into official corruption in Brooklyn should be released approximately December 15th. About half the report is already in the hands of the printer, and the remainder should follow shortly. The report will be presented in the name of outgoing Governor Herbert H. Lehman, although Lehman leaves office this Thursday, and will be replaced for the last three weeks of his term by Lieutenant Governor Charles Poletti. The implementation of the recommendations in the 150,000 word report will rest in the hands of new Governor Thomas E. Dewey, who takes office January 1st.
Career women who never applied for War Ration Book One because they were in the habit of eating out and therefore had no need to buy sugar, must make haste now to sign up for that original book, because possession of Book One is a prerequisite to receiving War Ration Book Two, which will cover items to be rationed in early 1943. To receive Book One, applicants must appear before their local ration board with identification documents such as a driver's license, dated bills, or postmarked envelopes confirming their present address.
The Eagle Editorialist salutes one of Brooklyn's most charitable citizens, State Tax Supervisor David F. Soden, whose annual distribution of Thanksgiving food baskets to the borough's needy families is only one of his many services to the poor, the sick, and most notably, to the orphans, who are closest to his heart. Mr. Soden is beloved by thousands of Brooklyn orphans of every race and creed as the sponsor of their annual outings to Ebbets Field and Coney Island, and has been cited by the Flatbush Council of Religious Goodwill as the Catholic who has done the most of any member of his faith to promote interfaith understanding in the borough.
(Fortunately, Uncle Sam lets you run a tab.)
Film cowboy Buck Jones died yesterday in a Boston hospital from the inhalation of smoke during the Cocoanut Grove nightclub catastrophe Saturday night. A western hero of the screen for twenty years, Jones was beloved by the young boys who made up the bulk of his audience, to whom he stood as an example of clean living, reputed never to smoke, drink, beat his horse, or frequent nightclubs.
In Merrick, Long Island, a stray kitten with a little black moustache wandered into the local police department's First Precinct, where he was promptly adopted by the cops. The moustachioed kitty has been named "Tom Dewey, the Republicat," in honor of the incoming GOP governor.
("I KNOW WHERE YA C'N GET A FOIS' RATE SECON' BASEMAN!" bellows Sally into the payphone at Schreibstein's, as Joe idly dangles an old shoestring over Leonora's carriage hoping she'll grab at it. "WHATTAYA MEAN T'WRONG NUMBEH? CUT IT OUT MCDONAL', I KNOW T'IS AIN' T" AMEN OFFICE, I SEEN INNA PAPEH T'EY CLOSED DOWN! WHAT? T'EY DID NOT! IF T"EY INVESTIGATED ANYBODY T'EY INVESTIGATED 'AT RAT MACPHAIL! HELLO? HELLO? Hey Joe, ya got ano'teh nickel? I AWRMOS' GOTT"M CONVINCED!")
(Gee, Doc, who could resist your, uh, manly charms or something.)
(Look, if you're invisible, do you even need to have a superhero uniform at all?)
(It ought to be just enough to cover the damage deposit on the apartment.)
(WELL ALL RIGHT BUT REMEMBER YOU'RE A SUPPORTING DOG ONLY)
(A skelegan? Nah, maybe a wight or a lich, but a skelegan? That's pushing it.)