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I Was Howling By The End Of This....

Atticus Finch

Call Me a Cab
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2,718
Location
Coastal North Carolina, USA
Hi Folks,

I think is is safe to say that most here like to write, so I think y'all will enjoy this little list my friend just e-mailed to me.

Atticus

------------------------------

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other fromTopeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with powertools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
 

MrNewportCustom

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2,265
Location
Outer Los Angeles
Personally, I wouldn't know if maggots jump when fried. lol

These were great, Atticus! It's always good to start the day off with a good laugh. In fact, I laughed heartily. The way someone would laugh in the morning if something they read that morning made them laugh really hard. Thank you for sharing these.


Lee
_______________________

"Everything's funny if you wait long enough." - Kinky Friedman
 

imoldfashioned

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2,979
Location
USA
I actually kinda like "The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work."
 

Brinybay

Practically Family
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571
Location
Seattle, Wa
Oh my gawd, I couldn't get through them, I have tears running down my cheek, like a leaky fawcet that won't stop unless you twist it real hard.
 

Paisley

I'll Lock Up
Messages
5,439
Location
Indianapolis
Whoever wrote #8 is even cheaper than I am...so cheap he'll hold onto a dollar tighter than one of those boxes at a parking lot when you try to wad too many dollars in the slot at one time.

:rolleyes:
 

LadyStardust

Practically Family
Messages
782
Location
Carolina
4 and 5. Oh, the imagery!
rofl.gif


These were great! lol
 

ShortClara

One Too Many
Messages
1,117
Location
.
I also think #2 was my favorite, but I love the train from Topeka one! Wonderful and inspiring!
 

Spatterdash

A-List Customer
Messages
310
Some of these are really smart, funny and invoke great imagery. #24 was honest, funny and true, the kind of writing I enjoy sinking my literary teeth into.

And yes, I also saw #9 as a Douglas Adams tribute.
 

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