Parents: When May Our Children Start Dating?

I'm interested in your opinion and thoughts on this.

A friend who has two beautiful, intelligent daughters advised me a few years ago to prepare for the dating years. "Otherwise," he said, "you'll come home one day and there's a strange boy on the living room couch."

How old were you when you began dating? What were the rules? Are the rules different for boys and girls?
I think I remember "double or group dates at 16, regular dating at 17, home by 11 in all cases." The two occasions when I got a girl home 15 minutes late ended the relationships.

My daughters are growing up fast. What to do? Right now I'm saying "you can date at 40." That won't hold water long - the oldest is 13...

I'm not a parent but thought I'd comment anyways. My mom said no dating/no boyfriend until I was 15, and then things like the time to be home by were on a situational basis. Rather than just setting a time like 10, 11, or 12 o'clock, taking into account the evening's planned events and then setting up a time was very nice and kept everyone happy (and that way my parents knew where I was going!).

I'd say the best thing to do to "prepare" for dating years is just to talk and listen, and not in the scary/corny parent way but in an "I'm interested in your life" sort of way. When it isn't made awkward it's easier to stay honest about everything. "You can date at 40" is funny the first time or two around but after awhile it gets old. And the thought of such a long stretch of years without permitted dates, even if just said to prolong setting up rules, might lead to covert dating or some kind of backlash (my friend in high school with super strict parents had something of a backlash when she went to college). If I ever have kids I'd rather they date younger and I know what they are up to and who they hang out with. And even after typing all that above (as if I were some authority, haha) you probably truly know how best to approach the issue since you know your kids. It's difficult to set things like an exact year to start dating, because while someone may be mature and responsible enough to date at a certain age someone else may not be.

I never dated as a teen. I did boy-girl activities in groups, but one-on-one pairing off was absolutely forbidden -- so I never had an actual date until I was 25. But I was a known oddball anyway, and the boys weren't exactly beating down my door.

I don't think I'd be quite so strict if I had kids, but neither would I go along with the modern notion that it's perfectly OK for eleven-year-olds to pair off. When I hear grammar school kids talking about "going together" or "being single again," I have to wonder where, exactly, their parents' heads are. Some fifteen year olds might be able to deal with the emotional aspects of dating, but I look at my teenage niece and all the manipulative tricks she's learning to pull as part of the high school dating scene, and it leaves a bad feeling about the whole business.

scotrace said:

How old were you when you began dating? What were the rules?

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One-on-one dating at 14, mixed groups of kids well before that. Home by 11:00 with my parents knowing where I was going and with who at all times. No giving out my number/info on the Internet. I never wanted to anyhow, but it was a rule.

I looked older for my age and that was a bit of a problem. (one that went away...now I'm mistaken for underage when I'm not...) Rules were passed about boys could not be more than three years older than I.

Well if the oldest is at 13 I would say you wouldn't have to worry much about dating quite yet. At that age virtually no one dates. Thats just a time when people like other people and be awkward and such. But it'll be coming soon I'd suspect. Restrictions on the age you can date isn't really a good idea. Chances are the kid will date anyway but behind your back. Wouldn't you rather get your 2 cents worth of whoever your daughter goes out with? I think most of this is fear of the unknown. If its hank-panky you're worried about perhaps try and explain to your daughter. If you've rasied them right there shouldn't be any cause for concern. Alot of it is trust. Must be a difficult time for a parent as well.

I was never raised with "you can only date when you're this age" kind of thing so I'm basically speaking from that perspective.

My parents let me date when I was 13, but I now have a 13 year old daughter and there is no way I would let her yet. I think 15 maybe.

ArrowCollarMan said:

Well if the oldest is at 13 I would say you wouldn't have to worry much about dating quite yet. At that age virtually no one dates.

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That must vary a lot by area, ArrowCollarMan. I think by waiting until 14... I was one of the last in my group. Especially if you count all the references to "my boyfriend/girlfriend" when they didn't actually go anywhere so much as hang out at each others' houses.

Viola said:

That must vary a lot by area, ArrowCollarMan. I think by waiting until 14... I was one of the last in my group. Especially if you count all the references to "my boyfriend/girlfriend" when they didn't actually go anywhere so much as hang out at each others' houses.

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It definately varies by area. I think few people in my high school 'dated' in the traditional sense of the term at all. It seems to me still a sort of alien concept. That's not to say no boyfriends or girlfriends, they were more like romantically involved members of a particular group of friends than a dating 'couple', and talk of that nature started around 12, although I think it was more symbolic than anything else.

Or I could be totally wrong and clueless, as I still can say I and many friend never really 'dated' nor discussed it in the traditional sense, though I have had several pleasant interludes with the fairer sex. I just couldn't call them 'dates'.

I don't have kids, but I'd like to state my opinion if I may. I am 29, handsome by most people's standards, yet my dating life is non-existent except on the rare occassion when I find someone I want to ask out. People always say, "well, it's just dating, no big deal." When I was in college, my college ranked one of the highest in the U.S. for most STD's transmitted on campus, which was 1 in 3 at the time. Some lives were ruined either by an STD or by getting their girlfriend pregnant. In either case, it all started by date #1. Hearts repeatedly get broken, leading to lasting emotional scars and emotional baggage. All started from date #1. If one gets married, it'd be difficult to explain how many people you dated, slept with, or why you must pay child support. All these kids being brought into the world will have emotional problems stemming from lack of 2 stable parents. These emotionally scarred kids will be running our country one day. These experiences have led me to believe that sex really is something to save for marriage, and that dating is supposed to lead to marriage. Therefore, I only "date" when I think I might have found the one. Others may laugh at the fact that I don't "get around," but I also don't have kids or some weird STD. Even at my age, if I so choose to date, I'd go on a group date with several others for awhile. Then I'd slowly bring her into my life, meet my family, take her to my church or go to hers. If I'm nervous about introducing her to my mom or my grandmother, then I must say she's not the one for me. lol I'd teach my kids these things and the age at which they start dating should define itself.

Well, I was allowed to date when I was 16, (mind you, I was a freshman in college at the time) but, I had to introduce my date to my parents first, my dad had to give him some kind of talk that required my dad and the guy going into the backyard for about an hour and, I had to have a few home dates, where the guy came to my house and we had dinner or watched television before I was allowed to go anywhere alone with him and, it had to be during daylight to early evening hours. I was allowed to *really* date and had my first real boyfriend when I was 18.

In all honesty, I'm 18 and in college as we speak, and I've never been on a traditional date. There was that time back in March that me and my prom-date-to-be got arrested for underage drinking together... I strongly agree on a minimum of 11 o'clock time to return home. No one wants to pick up their daughter at a police station with a boy who's a grade older.

I'm 45 and Haven't been on too many "dates" either. I suspect it's not really that unusual. Back in high school, it was a private boarding school and the male-female ratio was out of whack, and what stuck in my mind was the heartache couples went through when they'd date and break up, and it just didn't seem worth the trouble to me. I figured I'd have plenty of time later.

As an adult, it seems I either have time or I have money, almost never both at the same time.

We have three boys - 19, 13 and 12. We did/do not allow one-on-one dates until High School (14 years-old) but the two oldest did lots of boy/girl group things starting in 7th grade.

The oldest is back home going to a local 4-year university ($6,600 per yr. vs. $31,500) and he has a curfew of 1230 on school nights (Sunday - Thursday) and 0130 on week-ends. The 13 year-old doesn't really have a curfew, but since the activities include parent drivers, if memory serves me well the latest they were out was 11PM at a moving away party. Most times (party, movies, roller skating, school dance) it's around 9PM.

Curfew for one-on-one dates, which we only allow on Friday or Saturday evenings will be 11PM.

Rosie said:

Well, I was allowed to date when I was 16, (mind you, I was a freshman in college at the time) but, I had to introduce my date to my parents first, my dad had to give him some kind of talk that required my dad and the guy going into the backyard for about an hour and, I had to have a few home dates, where the guy came to my house and we had dinner or watched television before I was allowed to go anywhere alone with him and, it had to be during daylight to early evening hours. I was allowed to *really* date and had my first real boyfriend when I was 18.

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Oh my god! That was really strict! Wasn't that horrible for you?

My parents were rather strict as well, but I tell you, don't forbid too much, don't be too strict, because the more forbidden, the more interesting, the more fun! lol
And never forbid a girl anything you wouldn't forbid a boy as well!!!

Naama

Naama said:

...don't forbid too much, don't be too strict, because the more forbidden, the more interesting, the more fun! lol
And never forbid a girl anything you wouldn't forbid a boy as well!!!

Naama

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That's the balance to find. I think they need to feel the safety of guidance and some ground rules, but my own parents were great about not forbidding so much that the forbidden seemed desirable.

This is also a key point, Naama: I remember friends who were girls (as opposed to girlfriends) complaining that they or their friends were subject to different rules than their brothers. The boys could stay out later, and conquests were given a wink of the eye. They could bring home almost any girl without parental questions. But young girls faced much stricter rules.

Rosie, I think that it is important for a parent to feel like they know what their daughters/sons are doing, and with whom. But even in my own mind, there's a double standard. I have only daughters, and before they go out with any boys one-on-one I would have to have a talk with the young man that included threats to rip out his sweaty little liver and feed it to him if he brought my child back in less than perfect condition by the appointed time.
But if it were a son, I think I'd probably just shout "Get her home on time and behave yourself!" on his way out the door.

Naama said:

Oh my god! That was really strict! Wasn't that horrible for you?

My parents were rather strict as well, but I tell you, don't forbid too much, don't be too strict, because the more forbidden, the more interesting, the more fun! lol
And never forbid a girl anything you wouldn't forbid a boy as well!!!

Naama

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Not at all. Truthfully, I am grateful to my parents for doing this. Do you know how many women I know my age who have 13, 14 and even 15 year old children? ! I'm only 28. Instead of babies, well teenagers, and no husband, I have a life and am able to make those decisions as an adult. My parents instilled values in me that I carry on to this day (believe I'm NO prude, not in the least ) however, I have dated a higher caliber of man than many of my friends have and I have had actual relationships as opposed to just a series of hookups. I think, partially because of this "strictness" I expect more from my self and those I choose to date. Some of my friends get involved with some real bubbleheads becuase in my opinion, they don't know how to screen their potential dates. I had no business seriously dating when I was younger than 18, not that I was immature but, I had so many other things to deal with, why add heartache and strife to that?

scotrace said:

That's the balance to find. I think they need to feel the safety of guidance and some ground rules, but my own parents were great about not forbidding so much that the forbidden seemed desirable.

This is also a key point, Naama: I remember friends who were girls (as opposed to girlfriends) complaining that they or their friends were subject to different rules than their brothers. The boys could stay out later, and conquests were given a wink of the eye. They could bring home almost any girl without parental questions. But young girls faced much stricter rules.

Rosie, I think that it is important for a parent to feel like they know what their daughters/sons are doing, and with whom. But even in my own mind, there's a double standard. I have only daughters, and before they go out with any boys one-on-one I would have to have a talk with the young man that included threats to rip out his sweaty little liver and feed it to him if he brought my child back in less than perfect condition by the appointed time.
But if it were a son, I think I'd probably just shout "Get her home on time and behave yourself!" on his way out the door.

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My parents definitely allowed my brother and I to do different things. He was allowed to date slightly younger than I and he was able to do things I wasn't able to do. I'm not sure if it was because I am female or if it was because my parents were so much older and maybe a bit more afraid when I cam around. (My brother is 10 years older than I). Maybe this is a bit sexist in the eyes of some but I'm an old fashioned kind of girl, girls should be sheltered a little more. We can argue all we want but, we are a bit more at risk out in the world than men are. I have been on a date where I was put into a situation I really didn't want to be in, my brother, as a man has never experienced such a thing and probably would never BECAUSE he is a man.

My Parents...

My older brother was allowed pretty much full reign when he was 15 (1975) and he did run pretty wild.
They allowed me to "date" at 15 (1977) and by 16 (1978) I had a full time girlfriend.
My younger sister had to wait until 16 (1983)...I think they had figured out older was better.

Like Rosie, I've known quite a few 30 year olds with 15 year old daughters.
Most had problems controlling their children because the child would use the excuse that mom had a kid by 15 why can't they date at 15 ?
Even wth mom telling them how much a mistake it was !

In perhaps a word...

Never. (Which is later than your rule.)

Seriously, I think this is a very regional/societal thing.

Most of the children in my children's school probably do mostly "group dating" throughout high school and very little one-on-one dating with the exception of some high school sorority and fraternity dances. They take ballroom dancing in the 6th grade, belong to Cotillion in the 7th and begin around that time to have "boy-girl" parties. I'm probably going to hold out for at least 16 as that was about the age I started. I expect to have some pretty strict rules - terminating in an opportunity to join a convent if violations become frequent.

If you haven't ever seen the humorous treatise called "Ten Rules For Dating My Daughter" - my favourite one is:

#7 Never, ever, lie to me. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 14 acres in the back yard.

Of course, the best plan accounts for the strength of character of your growing children - are they self-confident or do they fall prey easily to peer pressure?

Another very important consideration is that at age 18 your children may be off to college - out of town and on their own. Many parents feel it's best if their children have plenty of time at home before college to develop some comfort level with dating relationships while Mom and Dad are around to support and protect. Some parents even encourage their older children to join them in a glass of wine with dinner - to develop some familiarity and respect for alcohol before going off to college.


The Commodore's rules:

Group dates (dances or other organized activities) at 15

One on One dates at 16, but no car dates until 17 (new drivers should not be driving with the distraction of their date at their side).

No dating anyone more than one year older (until college). (Children mature quickly, and there are great differences between 16 year olds and 18 year olds).

Before all first dates, the boy or girl has to have dinner with our family. (This is the most important rule - I can judge a kid pretty well over the course of dinner.)

No alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes, no sex, no lying. Clear but severe consequences to their future social life follows violations. Breach of trust = loss of privileges.

No dating on school nights, though friends can come to the house after homework is complete.

Children must take their cell phones whenever they leave the house, so that they can call Mom or Dad if they get into trouble. Dad does rescues without asking questions and without fear of punishment.

Curfew at midnight on weekends.

Older children are encouraged to bring their dates to our family activities – dinner, boating, the pool, even to some of our larger parties (like our Christmas Party, or our Memorial Day & Labor Day Pool Parties, or our tailgates for the Steeplechases in Atlanta and in Camden). We try to treat them as adults, and we expect their friends to be polite and respectful.