old time jokes

[skwerl-hat]

I was thinking today how much i like the old style of humor especially bob hope. heres some of his one liners i could find, Feel free to post your favorite old time jokes.




“You should have seen the Christmas cards I got this year. I got one card from Marilyn Monroe with a picture of her in a bathing suit. What a picture! You know how George Washington looks straight ahead on a two-cent stamp. Well, on this envelope, he kept peeking over his shoulder.”

“I wouldn't exactly say that Hollywood Boulevard is crowded with Christmas shoppers ... but when I was driving, I put my arm out to make a turn ... and when I took it back in, it was gift-wrapped.”

“But the crowds were very friendly ... honestly ... it was the pleasantest mob I ever lost a tooth in.”

“It's so crowded in Los Angeles these days ... if you get a sunburn you have to go to Glendale to peel.”

“My brother was a musician. His favorite was small combinations. He used to hum while he broke them open.”

“Eisenhower admitted the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy says the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days ... whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.”


DYING is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career."

"I have this terrific make-up man. But he’s expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes."

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap."

"Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off and it was so successful she turned it into a series."

"I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40lb overweight - and that was just their hair."

"I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."

"She said she was approaching 40 and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction."

"A rather chubby lady walked by, and the panhandler went into his pitch and he said, ‘Ma’am I haven’t eaten in three days’. She said, ‘Gee I sure wish I had your willpower.’"

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."

"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I do benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

"The Vietnam war finally ended in an agreement neither side intended to honour. It was like one of Zsa Zsa Gabor’s weddings."

"I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said, ‘That never stopped you before’."

 

[Spatterdash]

A wholesome sweet-looking family of four come into the talent agent's office and say "We have an act we'd like to show you..."

Hey, it's historic vaudeville and I love that it's one of few forms of pure storytelling.

I recommend the documentary "The Aristocrats" to adults ONLY.

 

[up196]

And the talent agent says . . .

"I've already got an act like that . . . what else do you do?"

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

lol

Henny Youngman Jokes
A sampling from the definitive Henny Youngman collection.

Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Golf Jokes

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Hollywood Jokes

Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.



Bum Jokes

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Horse Race Jokes

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Hotel Jokes

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Insults

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Introductions

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.