Strike Up A Conversation

[Undertow]

Hep and Reet, if I'm not mistaken, you both are correct and quite in-line with what the book suggests.

Or in other words, "Don't fake it!" and, "Be yourself!" among other things.

I know those aren't expressly written out in the text (although, it seems that there was plenty of material regarding enthusiam, being positive and actually caring about people) but I think the general idea gleaned from the book is quite similar.

I would recommend that book to anyone wishing to learn more about effective communication and playing the daily political/social game. It may no longer be the end all/say all, but I think it offers a good perspective.

 

[Lucyinthesky]

This is a little continuation of this past thread but more along the lines of both the shy and the outgoing and in between. Today on my way home on a bus, I was looking around curiously and spotted this girl, probably in her 20s, sitting and appeared to be text messaging on her cell phone and smiling. She had a knotted type of hairdo and looked as if she could probably make herself at home here.

Well, the person who was occupying the seat beside her left, I thought to myself to sit down, without the thought of speaking, really. I quietly asked if I could sit next to her and she accepted and I sat. For about a minute, I was contemplating whether or not to strike up a conversation. I have difficulties speaking to people in general and even more so to women who are attractive. My heart was pounding and my hands shaking, but I took a deep breath and waiting until she was looking straight ahead to catch her attention and began by making a comment about her hairdo.

I had noticed it before, so I thought that would be a good subject to begin with. I asked her how long it took to do it and she said that she was having a bad hair day and that it was difficult to do. I said that I have the same situation. I asked if she has ever done any vintage hairdos and she said that a friend of hers has done it for her but she has trouble. I recommended another website (my apologies ) called Nocturne.net, which has a section on fingerwaves and rolls and such. I also mentioned the book, "1940s Hairstyles".

She seemed a little distant, as if she wasn't in that talking mood, and even mentioned she has days like that, but I went on. We talked about various things. I tend to talk about myself unselfishly and see if the person can relate somehow, but she hardly said much about herself and wasn't budging. I tried to keep up the conversation until my stop was approaching. I said that it was nice talking to her, and she said it was nice meeting me, no name exchange, no phone number, just plain conversation. We shook hands and I left. I thought to myself that perhaps she had thought I was going to try to "pick her up" so to speak, but no, and the funny thought of her confusion made me smile. Whether or not we ever meet again, I don't know, but it seemed like we could get along pretty well as friends. After awhile of talking, she opened up a bit, which was an accomplishment in itself.

So how do you approach a conversation between a stranger? What is your strategy and does it extend further into a friendship?

I remember the same thing happened to me....
At this place in North Hollywood called the Good Nite Bar anyone remember that place ?

 

[GHT]

First of all, Kudos on talking to her!! Don't worry about being shy, even the most extroverted of people can be shy.

So true, but sometimes, just sometimes an opportunity can present itself.
When I saw a lady, laden with shopping bags, struggling to open the door of the shopping mall, I stepped forward, opened the door and said: "Allow me." She absolutely ripped into me. "I'm not a helpless little girl, you know." she said, rather icily. I came back, quick as a flash. "My mother told me, when I was just a little boy, that many people would enter my life, I had but a second or two to impress." I went on, "Being so young I didn't understand her, but I did once I became an adult."
The lady stared hard at me for what seemed an eternity, probably no more than a few seconds, and finally said: "Wise woman, your mother," and with that she was gone. No sort of appreciation, no, thank you. But I did whisper to my late mother: "Thanks Mum," I bet she smiled.

Good for you!
It sounds as though she may have been as shy as you! So you may have made it easier for her to have a conversation.
It's very brave to talk to strangers when it doesn't come naturally, I am impressed!

What you say about talking to strangers, being brave. The difficulty for those without that assertive sense of self confidence, is a fear of rejection. A simple human trait, but still hard. Did you know that shyness is a self preservation reaction? If I don't get to know you, what possible harm can you do to me?

Seth, I am so excited about these events transpiring. I have only your best wishes at heart as you are such a nice person. So many times I wish a vintage man would speak to me yet, alas, nothing. Every day my friends here in town bemoan the fact that it is difficult it is to meet nice like-minded people, and they are not even vintage. Good luck to you and I am so envious of her! Ashley

There you go fellows, the ladies can get as tongue tied as yourselves.

I remember the same thing happened to me....
At this place in North Hollywood called the Good Nite Bar anyone remember that place ?

Not from my side of the pond, no, but this is a fascinating thread and I am glad that you have revived it.

 

[Artifex]

What you say about talking to strangers, being brave. The difficulty for those without that assertive sense of self confidence, is a fear of rejection. A simple human trait, but still hard. Did you know that shyness is a self preservation reaction?

I think it is more complicated than that:
Certainly fear of being unkindly judged comes into it, but I also worry about being a nuisance. I often find myself startled when addressed unexpectedly - even if the speaker was only being polite - and have to deliberately refocus on "being friendly" from whatever else I was thinking of. I wouldn't want to inflict the same on someone else without good cause.

That said, I can think of a number of occasions when I crossed paths with someone who looked interesting, said nothing, and I regretted it. Maybe the trick is not to treat others as you would like to be treated, but as they would like to be treated. The former is merely a first approximation.

 

[scottyrocks]

In casual situations, I think I've always looked for 'the vibe' from another before attempting a conversation.

It's just a look or facial expression that expresses receptivity. Not an exact science, but it doesn't often steer me wrong.

 

[Tiki Tom]

Being a hermit is the way to go. Avoids embarrassing you or them. And possibly saves you from being labeled a harasser. But is that any way to go through life?

As for myself, as I grow older, i’ve Started to feel comfortable enough in my own skin (as they say in German) to make off-the-cuff observations and quips without worrying about how I’ll be judged. Usually I’m pleasantly surprised that it opens the door to a nice and honest conversation. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

[belfastboy]

I (recently retired) worked in the downtown core as a contractor for many years. My specialty was starting elevator conversations...opening with a silly quip about the news feed in the elevator, or the weather, or whatever. I invariably received a smile in return and it opened the door to at least a brief human encounter.
We now travel the western United States for 4 months of the year visiting an getting to know the many small towns along our path. My specialty there is asking questions to the inhabitants either about their town or their work. My experience is folks love to talk about their town (the good and the bad) and love to talk about their work (again the good and the bad) And overall small town folks just like to talk and my take on it is they are not so rushed in life and have/make the time to converse. Silly openings have lead to some memorable and unique human moments and that I think is why we travel.

 

[Tiki Tom]

Very true, Belfast. Showing interest in someone else’s life/situation is the #1 way to strike up a conversation. People love to talk about themselves and they appreciate it when someone is genuinely interested.

 

[Artifex]

Showing interest in someone else’s life/situation is the #1 way to strike up a conversation. People love to talk about themselves...

Not universally!
I am not always comfortable talking about myself, or my life. There are so many social ideals and norms I can never live up to, and strangers are a minefield of nonsensically harsh judgements to be triggered.

I much prefer to talk about things and ideas in a more objective manner. If my ideas are no good, they're easily corrected by listening to alternative viewpoints. Far more easily than my personality. Discussing things, concepts, and matters of fact with other people is a much safer way to get to know them. Almost everyone knows something interesting that I don't!

 

[belfastboy]

Very true, Belfast. Showing interest in someone else’s life/situation is the #1 way to strike up a conversation. People love to talk about themselves and they appreciate it when someone is genuinely interested.

Yes, and the bonus is hearing some very interesting life stories, or local lore that only a long term resident would know. My wife and I were cycling through a residential part of Cottage Grove OR after trying to enter the local history museum. I stopped to tell a woman gardening in her front yard how much we enjoyed her small town. Her 3 year old granddaughter wandered over gifted me with a flower she had just picked and gave me (well just my leg as she came up to barely above my knee) a big hug. The woman asked if we had seen the museum yet and we replied no we had just attempted but it is closed today. She asked if we would like to and we said YES, is that possible? She replied that as she was the curator she could probably arrange it. She went next door to ask her neighbour to mind her grandkids and together we trooped off to the museum. She gave us a very personal tour, told us her very sad story of losing her business and her husband as they went bankrupt during the spotted owl logging closures and how the town was attempting to reinvent itself in order to save it. It is one of my favourite travel memories and it all started by giving a stranger and their town a compliment.