My Thanks ...

[LocktownDog]

As some of you know, I have been going through a horribly rough time the past couple of months. Sometimes I think its getting better ... we're still going through with the divorce but at least we're getting along real well. And then times where I hate myself and regret every moment of my life ... like yesterday where she had a bad day and took it out on me, calling me boring and old-fashioned and not much of a man. I've never been on a roller coaster like this before!

Last night after my swing shift as a casino cook, I came home to find her waiting up for me. I figured it was for one of our emotional talks. Ends up that she entered some charity cooking contest and was chosen to make vegetarian sloppy joes. What a joke. She can't even make toast without explicit instructions. She bought me a bottle of Bushmills as a bribe, and I ended up cooking for her. All the while I kept thinking I was a sucker and a weak-willed idiot. When a flash went through my head that I should call up one of my friends to complain, I realized that all of them were her friends first. Well at least I've got friends here and in another group I talk to. Most of you are faceless to me. Most of you are nameless to me. Yet I've had more support and kind words from the lot of you than I've had from even my parents or brother.

I didn't write this to whine and complain. I just merely wanted to lay things out and express how much your kindness and thoughts have meant. Thank you.

Richard

 

[luvthatlulu]

As some of you know, I have been going through a horribly rough time the past couple of months. Sometimes I think its getting better ... we're still going through with the divorce but at least we're getting along real well. And then times where I hate myself and regret every moment of my life ... like yesterday where she had a bad day and took it out on me, calling me boring and old-fashioned and not much of a man. I've never been on a roller coaster like this before!

Last night after my swing shift as a casino cook, I came home to find her waiting up for me. I figured it was for one of our emotional talks. Ends up that she entered some charity cooking contest and was chosen to make vegetarian sloppy joes. What a joke. She can't even make toast without explicit instructions. She bought me a bottle of Bushmills as a bribe, and I ended up cooking for her. All the while I kept thinking I was a sucker and a weak-willed idiot. When a flash went through my head that I should call up one of my friends to complain, I realized that all of them were her friends first. Well at least I've got friends here and in another group I talk to. Most of you are faceless to me. Most of you are nameless to me. Yet I've had more support and kind words from the lot of you than I've had from even my parents or brother.

I didn't write this to whine and complain. I just merely wanted to lay things out and express how much your kindness and thoughts have meant. Thank you.

Richard

You are neither a sucker nor a weak-willed idiot. You are simply a human being trying to do a kindness that may or may not ever be fully appreciated by the recipient...but, at least you weren't fighting and that's time better spent! As hard as it may seem sometimes...continue to "Look for the sunny side of life" and, as I always say, strive to rise above your detractors.

Best Wishes

 

[Johnnysan]

Richard,

Pour yourself a shot (or two) of Bushmill's, sit back and congratulate yourself for being a decent human being - which is not always the easist thing to rise to, especially given your very difficult situation.

 

[kokopelli]

It's Tough

It's tough, but Johnnysan is correct "Pour yourself a shot (or two) of Bushmill's, sit back and congratulate yourself for being a decent human being - which is not always the easist thing to rise to, especially given your very difficult situation." The problem is that "it ain't gonna be over soon", so best to find a way to deal with it. My ex and I divorced seven years ago, not including the year of seperation, and only now does she not blame the woes of the world on me. According to her, I never did anything correct and she went out of her way to put up with me and my faults. Trouble is, she never made the first decision in the twenty years we were married, vacationed with her family, worked very little, never took any interest in the home or family life, just got more and more depressed and difficult. After the divorce, whenever I had to communicate with he regarding the kids or something, she would launch these terrible attacks at me going back to even my childhood. I knew she would be that way when I got the courage to give her everything and walk out. I learned quickly to say what I needed to say and ignore the rest. To never respond to her nastyness and/or baiting messages. It's been tough for my current wife (5 years) to understand why I say "just let it go, you can't win", but it's better now. My kids now act normally and seem to understand that "all was not as mom said", but it took a long time. I did "the right thing" and left the ex the house and everything else. She doesn't make as much as I do and my daughter lives with her; but did/do I get any credit for it.. No way.. She tells everyone that she "took everything I had". It's tough, but you can only do "what you can do" and maintain as much self respect as you can. It's tough.. Ron

As some of you know, I have been going through a horribly rough time the past couple of months. Sometimes I think its getting better ... we're still going through with the divorce but at least we're getting along real well. And then times where I hate myself and regret every moment of my life ... like yesterday where she had a bad day and took it out on me, calling me boring and old-fashioned and not much of a man. I've never been on a roller coaster like this before!

Last night after my swing shift as a casino cook, I came home to find her waiting up for me. I figured it was for one of our emotional talks. Ends up that she entered some charity cooking contest and was chosen to make vegetarian sloppy joes. What a joke. She can't even make toast without explicit instructions. She bought me a bottle of Bushmills as a bribe, and I ended up cooking for her. All the while I kept thinking I was a sucker and a weak-willed idiot. When a flash went through my head that I should call up one of my friends to complain, I realized that all of them were her friends first. Well at least I've got friends here and in another group I talk to. Most of you are faceless to me. Most of you are nameless to me. Yet I've had more support and kind words from the lot of you than I've had from even my parents or brother.

I didn't write this to whine and complain. I just merely wanted to lay things out and express how much your kindness and thoughts have meant. Thank you.

Richard

 

[The Wingnut]

Whatever doesn't kill you...

Just remember that no matter how bad you've got it, there's always some poor sod out there that's going through a lot worse and would give the world to trade places.

And sir, it takes a very strong character to bury their natural instinct for indignation and anger, and selflessly help someone to whom they feel they owe nothing. I'd likely have lost my temper(especially after being called 'boring' and 'old-fashioned!').

 

[Sertsa]

Sorry to hear about the tough time. I agree with the others, you're being a decent human being and try to stay that way, even though that may be difficult at times. (Of course, that doesn't mean to be a pushover). So, it's good to think what you could do, like have a friend complain and get a chuckle, but don't actually do it.

After all this is done, you'll be able to say you kept your class, remained a good person and kept your humanity through it. Maybe it'll help to remember that, when it's over, you won't be living with her anymore, but you'll always have to live with yourself.

As for me, I've been called lots of things, but when a close friend/nurse told me that, in a discussion amongst the nurses, one of them remarked that I was the most genuine person she'd ever met--and all of them agreed--it made my efforts to keep going through my own very tough time worth it.

 

[MaryDeluxe]

We all go through rough times in life ...

Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else you will never stop blaming. There is no end to blame. Fulfill your own obligations, correct your own mistakes. Do what you need to do and step away. Don't try to control others. Let go and let them be.

I wish you peace and clarity in the new year.

 

[luvthatlulu]

The difference here is we can disagree and still be friends...hopefully. Disagreement should lead to an awakening to another point of view and, at least, the consideration of that opposing point of view. Then discourse and discovery begins. What a concept!

It seems to me there is still common ground between you two. Be open to it and build on it and let it lead as far as it can. Do not discount your own self worth or concerns in the process, but be vigilant to an opening for agreement that leads to progress toward whatever goal you seek.

May whatever follows be only in the best interest of all concerned.

 

[LocktownDog]

It seems to me there is still common ground between you two. Be open to it and build on it and let it lead as far as it can. Do not discount your own self worth or concerns in the process, but be vigilant to an opening for agreement that leads to progress toward whatever goal you seek.

That's certainly my goal. I really don't want the kids seeing us fight. And considering we've never screamed at each other or used derogatory language toward each other, I think it'll be fine. Her mood swings are tremendous, however. At first I wondered if it was physical ... due to her cysts and the extra estrogen in the treatment. But I'm starting to think emotional pressure is getting to her. Whether that is because of doubts and regrets about her actions and the way she treated me in the past year, I don't know. She did get angry and jealous when a female friend called me. I am playing counselor to her for an abusive relationship she's in and am the only one she can talk to, but my wife is concerned there's something else going on. This coming from the woman who had been cheating on me for several months and who's boyfriend is in jail for at least a year.

Life is a wacky ride and sometimes I feel I'm lacking a seatbelt! But every day gets easier. Thanks again for listening.

Richard

 

[luvthatlulu]

That's certainly my goal. I really don't want the kids seeing us fight. And considering we've never screamed at each other or used derogatory language toward each other, I think it'll be fine. Her mood swings are tremendous, however. At first I wondered if it was physical ... due to her cysts and the extra estrogen in the treatment. But I'm starting to think emotional pressure is getting to her. Whether that is because of doubts and regrets about her actions and the way she treated me in the past year, I don't know. She did get angry and jealous when a female friend called me. I am playing counselor to her for an abusive relationship she's in and am the only one she can talk to, but my wife is concerned there's something else going on. This coming from the woman who had been cheating on me for several months and who's boyfriend is in jail for at least a year.

Life is a wacky ride and sometimes I feel I'm lacking a seatbelt! But every day gets easier. Thanks again for listening.

Richard

Richard-

I'm certainly no counselor and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night, but the more I read of what you write the more I believe the two of you are just in serious need of some quality sit-down-and-talk time! One of those so-called "come to Jesus meetings"!

One rule and one rule only: You both will say anything that you feel needs to be said in any way you feel it needs to be said and, when one is speaking, the other can only listen without a response until the "floor" is yielded. This should be an eye-opener for both parties if done in this manner. My fervent hope for you both is that you will find enough common ground and understanding of each other's concerns to maintain your relationship and perhaps even remedy the rifts. Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Spitfire]

Hang in there Richard. I have been there - many years ago. It took some time to get over. But you do get over it.
Have you ever seen Band of Brothers. There is a scene there, where a young soldier is afraid. Afraid of dying, of being woonded of everything.
An officer tells him, that the moment he has convinced himself that he is allready dead, then he can go on living. Without being afraid.
It's a bit like your situation - and mine years back - the reason why we react with anger, gets sad, gets in the emotional rollercoaster is because, we have not said to ourself: IT IS OVER! She will never come back. We will never be together again. Forget it. It's over! OVER!
When you get there - you feel stronger, you feel free and you will get a life of you own. And not hers. You will also experience that you also become more openminded, more charming and more intersting...but thats only sideeffects.

Maybe it helps. I helped me to get on. Many years ago.
All the best mate.:eusa_clap

 

[eightbore]

hmmm....some very "kind" people on this site.

After finalizing his divorce, a cousin of mine had his newly ex wife ask if he wanted to come over to watch a movie. :eusa_doh: He not so politiely yet very wisely declined. It seems the last person someone should EVER want to date is an ex. In your case, I'd have told her to find someone "less boring, less old-fashioned, and more of a man" to cook for her but that's just me. Next time tell her to beat it, keep the scotch, and share it with the first nice young (preferably very young ) lady you meet. I'm a firm believer in the reality that just because it's not wise to continually blame someone for our problems doesn't mean that sometimes there ain't someone twisting the knife in your back.

JMHO,

eightbore

 

[LocktownDog]

I'm certainly no counselor and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night, but the more I read of what you write the more I believe the two of you are just in serious need of some quality sit-down-and-talk time! One of those so-called "come to Jesus meetings"!

We do this about once a week anyway. In some respects, we are closer and more open than in the previous ten years. But she still loves him, and I'll never forget that. I can forgive and move on, but never forget.

Richard

 

[kokopelli]

Time to reevaluate

Ya-know, Eightbore has a good point and one it's wise to remember. Sometimes you just have to "cut the ties" altogether. Talking to my ex was pointless punishment; it didn't improve family relations in the least. It really only served to prolong the agony. It didn't get any better until I severed all contact not specifically related to the kids. Sometimes it's not about "making everyone happy", that's what got some of us into trouble in the first place. Everyone else's happiness will be the same or worse no matter what we do, so we have to think of ourselves sometimes. Sorry if this sounds harsh.. Ron

We do this about once a week anyway. In some respects, we are closer and more open than in the previous ten years. But she still loves him, and I'll never forget that. I can forgive and move on, but never forget.

Richard

 

[eightbore]

Sometimes you just have to "cut the ties" altogether. Talking to my ex was pointless punishment; it didn't improve family relations in the least....Sorry if this sounds harsh.. Ron

And I was not trying to be harsh either. I can see maintaining a certain amount of civility for the sake of kids but I can't see "hanging out" for the sake of the kids. Better to present to them the image of two VERY decisive people than two people who insist on making each other miserable or uncomfortable on a regular basis. Again, everyone has their own circumstances and I only have the most surface level understanding of those being discussed here.

Best,

eightbore