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Clean Jokes

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Hurricane Jack

Hurricane Jack

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The host of the TV Game Show opened the first round with this challenge for his contestants,

"Using complete sentences give me different examples of meaning for the words 'COMPLETE, FINISHED, & COMPLETELY FINISHED'?

Things started off slow as everyone tried to think of an answer. Finally a contestants buzzer rang & when asked for his answer the man said,

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
 
BobHufford

BobHufford

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Ragged Edge of the Grid / Missouri Ozarks
upload_2021-1-19_10-34-36.png
 
Trenchfriend

Trenchfriend

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12,474
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Germany
Two old girlfriends met.

"Margot, you are the only one uf us beeing divorced. How are things going?"

"Wonderful! Without a man, it just runs perfectly. I made myself new at home, I even got a new job!! I'm at the theatre."

"Nice! What do you do, there?"

"I assign the roles."

"Oh, that's difficult?"

"Nah, just one on every toilet."
 
GHT

GHT

I'll Lock Up
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9,350
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New Forest
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
 
Trenchfriend

Trenchfriend

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Germany
Traffic control in chaotic scenery. A car is flagged down.

"Hello, young man. I watched you and you did very well in this total chaos, here! Absolutely commendable!! You get the reward bonus."

Young man is glad.

"And what will you do with the bonus?"

"First, I will make the driving licence."

His girl from the right:
"Officer, please don't believe, what he's saying. He always talks stupid, when he's drunk."

Grandma from the back:
"See, I told you, we won't go far with the stolen car!!"
 
Last edited:
H

Harp

I'll Lock Up
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Robieman said:
View attachment 302480
Click to expand...

Reminds me of basic training at Ft Polk, Louisiana. Some guy in my squad called his M16 a gun.
For the next eight hours he held both in his hands, "This is my rifle, this is my gun. One is for
fighting, the other for fun." He forever after was called son of a gun. A week or so later his girl
sent him a box of caramel candies. The guy who got perfumed envelope had to read his girl's
letter out loud, a contest for the best salacious won its recipient a hundred pushups.
Son of a gun had to read his letter, won election, got the pushups, forced to eat all the candy,
and down a full tray at the messhall. Afterward, the platoon ran a mile with son of a gun to
help him digest his chow. He threw up, as the cadre knew he would, ordered him to scoop
it all up and put the vomitus in his pockets. Couldn't let the Viet Cong find it, possibly start
tracking the entire platoon. The fact that Mr Charles Cong wasn't known to be in Louisiana
wasn't the point. Because Charlie, Mister Charles was everywhere. :D
 
Trenchfriend

Trenchfriend

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12,474
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Germany
Old german joke.

"What do you want to be, when you grow up?"

"Um, Battleship Designer."

;)
 

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Zombie_61

Zombie_61

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Southern California
On the other hand, when I was in grade school there was a gent who worked for the public school system and...well, to this day I'm really not sure what his official job was. He'd come around once or twice a week and, for some reason, lead the entire student body in half an hour of calisthenics, so he was somehow/somewhat responsible for our health. His last name was Deadman.
 
Hurricane Jack

Hurricane Jack

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17,587
Zombie_61 said:
On the other hand, when I was in grade school there was a gent who worked for the public school system and...well, to this day I'm really not sure what his official job was. He'd come around once or twice a week and, for some reason, lead the entire student body in half an hour of calisthenics, so he was somehow/somewhat responsible for our health. His last name was Deadman.
Click to expand...
If you can't remember, then it's still working. He was the man from MKUltra.
 
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