Clean Jokes

[Frunobulax]

What do you call a duck with a book?

A duck.

 

[Zachary]

What does an Octopus wear in the winter?

A coat of arms.

 

[Zachary]

Donald Trump invites Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel to his resort in Mar-a-Lago.
He proudly presents his newest acquisition to his guests: A magical swimming pool. Whatever you wish, it will be filled up with.

First, Trump climbs up the stairs to the diving platform. He takes a run, jumps from the platform, yells: "Whiskey!", dives into, and gets tanked up.
Then, Putin tries out the magical pool. He climbs up, takes a run, jumps from the platform, yells: "Vodka!", dives into, and gets tanked up.
Finally, it's Angela Merkel's turn. She climbs up the stairs, takes a run, stumbles, slips, and yells: "Shit!"

 

[Frunobulax]

Young lady gets into an Uber driven by a young man...

Young Lady: I'm going to Tony's up on Ludlow - 416 Ludlow.
Young Man: Would you mind if I turned on some music?
YL: Oh, no, please go right ahead.
YM: KISS?
YL: Let's listen to a little music first and see how we feel, K?

 

[Benny Holiday]

I went to a positive thinking course today.
It was crap.
I knew it would be . . .

 

[LostInTyme]

I attended the same course, only twice.
I had thought it really couldn't be THAT bad.
Turns out, I was wrong.

 

[Turnip]

 

[LostInTyme]

Oops, I think I may know some of these people.

 

[Turnip]

 

[LostInTyme]

Two Mafia hit-men walk into the woods on a dark night. After a while one of them says,
"It's so dark in here I have to admit it's scary."

The second hit-man replies,
"You're scared, what about me...I gotta walk out of here alone!"

 

[Trenchfriend]

Children joke:

What german fair a donkey likes the most?

The IAA, of course!

 

[Turnip]

 

[LostInTyme]

Has anyone, besides a surfer, been "stoked"?

 

[LostInTyme]

 

[BobHufford]

 

[Turnip]

 

[Trenchfriend]

Black humor:

Two old comrades meet on the street.

"Hey buddy, if haven't see you in a long time!"

"Hey, what's up, bro!!"

"But tell me, why you´re grinning so much??"

"You know, yesterday, I had some trouble with my girlfriend. At the end, I was so pissed, that I took away her wheelchair! And guess, who came whining, again."

 

[LostInTyme]

Beware of suspicious-looking butterflies.
They could be mini drones with cameras.

 

[Turnip]

 

[Turnip]