Clean Jokes

[2jakes]

Man walks into a bar looking sad.

Bartender: "what'll you have?"
Man: "Oh, just a beer."

Bartender: "What's wrong, you look so down?"
Man: "My wife and I got into a fight, she said she wouldn't talk to me
for a month."

Bartender: "So, what's wrong with that?"
Man: "Well, the month is up tonight."

 

[GHT]

Metropolitan Opera House:
At the evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised. During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear: "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. At the end of the night's performance, in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear: "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, can I help you?" A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Damn, I missed Mardi Gras in Nebraska again this yr! I wonder how many beads she got?

 

[2jakes]

Ever so proud...Elsie simply refused to wear her eyeglasses!

 

[Benny Holiday]

What's the difference between Australia and yoghurt?

Yoghurt has some culture.


An Englishman hops off a plane in Sydney for the first leg of his Australian holiday. The customs officer who greets him at the airport runs off the usual questions.
"How long do you intend to stay?" he asks.
"Three weeks," the tourist replies.
"What's the nature of your visit?"
The Englishman says, "Sightseeing, you know, Sydney, Melbourne, the Great Barrier Reef, Uluru."
"Do you have any past criminal convictions?" the officer asks.
Without missing a beat, the Englishman says, "I didn't think we still needed to!"

 

[MisterCairo]

What's the difference between Australia and yoghurt?

Yoghurt has some culture.


An Englishman hops off a plane in Sydney for the first leg of his Australian holiday. The customs officer who greets him at the airport runs off the usual questions.
"How long do you intend to stay?" he asks.
"Three weeks," the tourist replies.
"What's the nature of your visit?"
The Englishman says, "Sightseeing, you know, Sydney, Melbourne, the Great Barrier Reef, Uluru."
"Do you have any past criminal convictions?" the officer asks.
Without missing a beat, the Englishman says, "I didn't think we still needed to!"

Overheard a Beefeater at the Tower of London say this to a group of Australian tourists:


"Where are you from"? "Australia!" shouts the crowd.

"Well, welcome home"! says the Beefeater.

"Are you here on holiday, or on parole"?

 

[Benny Holiday]

Hahaha! More than likely parole!

 

[basbol13]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

[basbol13]

 

[robrinay]

Question. What's brown and sticky
Answer. A stick

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Good help is hard to find.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[2jakes]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[2jakes]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[2jakes]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

This will be what I will send out as my official retirement notice.

 

[Zombie_61]

^ You know you're getting older when you stop talking about the acid you took and start talking about which antacid to take.

 

[2jakes]