Joke time

[John in Covina]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.
"Can I help you?" asked the madam.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced, "My charge is $1,000 a visit."
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and there were no discounts! The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

Just before he left, Natalie questioned the man.
"No one has ever seen me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Louisiana."
"Really?" Natalie said. "I have family in Louisiana"
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is: Some things in life are certain ...
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[Doh!]

For an elderly gentleman's 80th birthday, some of his friends decide they want to do something special for him, so they hire a hooker to show up at his house.

When the big day arrives, the hooker rings his doorbell. The old man opens the door and she says to him, "I'm here to give you super sex!"

The old man ponders this for a second and then says, "I think I'll have the soup."

* * *​

Here's an oldie, courtesy of Groucho:

A fat lady walks into a drug store, and asks the clerk if they sell talcum powder. The clerk says, "Certainly, ma'me. Walk this way."

The fat lady responds, "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the powder."

 

[photobyalan]

This may be the worst joke ever, and it's certainly one of the longest, which is why I like to tell it:

Three pieces of string walk in to a bar and sit at a table.

This first piece of string says, "I'll go get us some beers." He goes up to the bar, gets the bartender's attention, and says, "I'd like three beers, please." The bartender looks him up and down and asks, "Are you a piece of string?"; to which the first piece of string replies, puffing out his chest a little, "I certainly am!"

The bartender scowls at him. "We don't like pieces of string in here and I'm not going to serve you. Get out!"

The first piece of string skulks back to the table where his friends are sitting. "Fellas, the bartender doesn't like us. Maybe we had better leave."

"Nonsense," says the second piece of string. "I'll take care of this bozo. You guys wait here." At that, the second piece of string gets up, goes to the bar, gets the bartender's attention, gives him his winningest smile, and says, "Excuse me, sir. My friends and I are very thirsty. Would you be so kind as to pour three beers for us?" Just to make sure, he pulls out a $50 bill with a flourish and slaps it down on the bar.

The bartender looks at the second piece of string and starts rolling up his sleeves. He growls, "I told your buddy and I'm tellin' you. I don't serve pieces of string in here. Get out or I'm throwin' you out!"

The frightened second piece of string beats a hasty retreat back to the table where his friends are waiting. "This guy's serious. He really doesn't want us here. Maybe we should find another bar."

The third piece of string rolls his eyes, gets up, and heads for the bar. On the way over, he starts pulling strands from himself and twisting his body this way and that so that, by the time he reaches the bar, he is barely recognizable.

"Three beers!" the third piece of string calls out.

The bartender, who thought the problem had been solved, looks him up and down carefully. "Are you a piece of string?"

"No," says the third piece of string, smiling. "I'm a frayed knot."

 

[jamespowers]

Dolls

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about..

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

 

[scotrace]

My Mistress

A married middle aged couple were sitting in a fine French restaurant enjoying the best of the menu in a quiet booth when an attractive, voluptuous woman stopped at the table and caressed the man's cheek, purring, "hellllo Harry... see you tomorrow..."
"Harry!" Demanded his wife after the bombshell had swished away, "Who was THAT WOMAN?"
"That was my mistress." came the calm reply.
The wife is shocked! "How COULD you do this to us?! After all these years! A mistress! Of course I want a DIVORCE!"
"Very well," sez Harry. "But you'll lose everything. The Bentley, the furs, the houses in Madrid and LA, the Park Avenue apartment, the clothes, the jewels. All of it."
She thinks for a moment and goes back to her dinner, quietly.

Soon, the wife spots a mutual friend arriving.
"Harry... isn't that George over there? Who is that woman with him?"
Harry looks up and replies, "That's george's mistress."

Harry's wife picks up her spoon and says, "Ours is prettier."

 

[Mycroft]

Nice jokes you all, I gotta tell them to my friends if you don't mind. :cheers1: Ok, here is mine:
Three men are siting at a bar. A prostitute walks in and says ok, "you all at the bar, I can guess which university you went too." Ok, so she walks over to the first guy and says you went to errr....Notre Dame, he exclaims "how'd you guess?" She replies, "you look like a buff, midwestern football player." Next, guy, she says you went to hmmm...Havard, he says "Why, yes, how do you know?" She says you look smart and got those glasses." She reaches the last guy and says straght away, bam and says "you went to University of Iowa (or any college of your choice)." He replies with the usual how'd you know, she replies calm as ever, "I saw you picking you nose with your college ring finger."

 

[Lancealot]

Ask A Marine

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'

"She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked at her and replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

[scotrace]

Hahahaha. And.

I think we're about to get moderated.

 

[Lancealot]

Probably So

I think we're about to get moderated.

but I couldn't resist my girlfriend had just sent that one to me.

 

[John in Covina]

When it comes to women,
a lot of men are like the oil companies,
they don't want to own the property,
they just want exclusive drilling rights.

 

[Nathan Flowers]

.

I think we're about to get moderated.

You would be right. Most of these jokes aren't meant for mixed company, so down it goes.