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Clean Jokes

This is not a joke but a true account. I know it sounds like a joke but the punch int eh punchline is quite telling. ;)
If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop was. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender running
several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?


A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer,
do you have a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
lock your locker in a room you share with those same
officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire
court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known
to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a
prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand
has been nominated for this year's best comeback line
and I think he'll win.
 
Pick Your State

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623,097 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si', Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ...And The Sheep Are Scared
 

Andykev

I'll Lock Up
Bartender
Messages
4,117
Location
The Beautiful Diablo Valley
Irish Joke

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
 
Pharmacist

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 

Andykev

I'll Lock Up
Bartender
Messages
4,117
Location
The Beautiful Diablo Valley
Here is a great clean joke

This guy is driving down the road

out hopps a rabbit in his path

he can't stop in time

wack thump he hits the bunny

the guy screeched to a halt and runs back to this D.O.A bunny in the road

he has never hit anything in his life...and he's sad

Surely this must have been someone's pet

he is standing there feeling worse and worse

this woman comes past and wonders about the comotion

she gets over to the man and looks down at the dead bunny and asks what happened

The man says he couldn't stop in time, and now he feels terrible

The woman smiles softly and says, don't worry, I can fix it

she reaches into her handbag and pulls out a spray can

she gently leans over the rabbit and sprays the can all over the body

soon, the rabbit jumps up turns a circle, and begins to hop down the street again

as the bunny hops away, it turns to smile and waves

it hops and waves, hops and waves hops and waves...all the time waving and waving

the man is overcome, and he thinks he just saw a miracle

he asks the lady what happened and grabs the can from her

he looks at the lable on the spray can

and it says:

"Restores Hair- Permanant Wave"
 

up196

A-List Customer
Messages
326
The Russian wife

A young Russian girl married an Englishman and moved with hm to London.

One day she went to the market, and after much difficulty trying to ask for chicken legs, she began flapping her arms and clucking and then lifted her skirt and pointed to her thighs. The butcher understood, smiled, and sold her chicken legs.

The next day, the young bride returned the the market. She wanted to buy chicken breasts, and after flapping her arms and clucking, she opened her blouse and pointed. The butcher understood, smiled, and sold her chicken breasts.

The next day, she went to the market for sausages, so she brought her husband along with her . . .
 

up196

A-List Customer
Messages
326
Re: The Russian wife

Originally posted by up196

The next day, she went to the market for sausages, so she brought her husband along with her . . .
. . . because he spoke English.

What . . . What did YOU think . . . get back to the Lounge!
 
Leave My Doggies Alone.

A cowboy was working his herd in a remote pasture
when suddenly a brand- new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
give me a calf?" The cowboy looked at the Yuppie, then at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out a Dell notebook computer,
connected it to an AT&T cell phone, surfed to a NASA Internet site,
called up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location, which he then fed to another satellite
that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. He then opened
the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
With in seconds, he received an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
had been processed and the data stored. He then
accessed a SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploaded all of this data via an email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed out
a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer and turned to the cowboy saying, "You have
exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take
one of my calves," said the cowboy.
He watched the yuppie select an animal and looked on in amusement as the
young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy said to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thought for a second and said, "Okay, sure."
"You're a consultant for the Kerry campaign," said the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how on
earth did you guess that?"
"Well," answered the cowboy, "you showed up here even though nobody
called you. You wanted to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. And you don't know a thing
about my business. Now let my dog out of your trunk."
 
Subject: A Penny

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord.

"God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."


Smith asks, " Can I have a penny?"


The Lord replies, "In a minute.
 

farnham54

A-List Customer
Messages
404
Location
Guelph, Ontario, Canada
Here are some more:

Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with beer. -- Homer Simpson

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that
I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in
the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools.----Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!-- Brian O'Rourke

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza.--Dave Barry

Remember "I" before "E",except in Budweiser.
--Anon

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
--Anon

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Jack Handy

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.
--Benjamin Franklin


Regards

Craig
 
A bald man with a wooden leg got invited to a Halloween party. Being extremely sensitive about both, he didn’t know what costume to wear that would best hide both his head and his leg. In desperation, he wrote to a costume company and explained his dilemma. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:



Dear Sir,



After carefully considering your request, we’ve selected a pirate’s costume for you. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you’ll be perfect as a pirate.



Very truly yours,



Acme Costume Co.



The man was outraged by the fact that the costume company had emphasized his wooden leg. He promptly returned the package with an acrid letter of complaint.



A few days later he received another package and a note, which read:



Dear Sir,



We apologize for not thinking your problem through. After due consideration, we’ve replaced the pirate’s costume with a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and your bald head will look like a monk’s tonsure.



Very truly yours,



Acme Costume Co.



This doubly outraged the putative customer. Not only had the costume company stressed his wooden leg, now they were pointing out his bald pate. He scribbled off a nasty letter, stuck it with the costume and shipped it back.



In due course he received a small package with another note that said:



Dear Sir,



Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your head, stick your wooden leg up your posterior and go as a caramel apple.



Acme Costume Co.
 
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU’RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING


10. Knocking on the door winds you.
9. You have to ask the neighbor’s kid to chew your candy for you.
8. You only want high fiber candy.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag you loose your balance and fall over.
6. People exclaim, “What a great Keith Richards mask� but your not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick…� and can’t remember the rest.
4. At the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You’re careful to choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood using a walker.
1. You avoid the houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live.
 
Well, it has been a while since I posted a joke or two here so here it goes again:

Where are those hippies now?

1970: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair

1970: KEG
2005: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2005: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office

1970: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system

1970: Disco?!
2005: Costco

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2005: Depends

AND

Will this generation ever understand where we came from so fast?

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They have never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
 
Or how about this one?

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" :p
 

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