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Clean Jokes

Does Stupidity really Reign Supreme?

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.



CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.



TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment
 

Mycroft

One Too Many
Messages
1,993
Location
Florida, U.S.A. for now
A woman walks into a bar:

A woman walks into a bar:

She says to three guys at the at the bar, "I will guess your university."

She says to the first guy, "you went to Ohio State."
He responds, "how'd you know??"
She says, "you look like the athletic, football watching type."


She says to the second guy, "you went to Harvard University."
He responds, "how'd you know??"
She says, "you look like the preppy, hard wroking type. "

She says to the third guy, "you went to Washington University in St. Louis"
He responds, "how'd you know??"
She says, "you look like the I say your class ring while you were picking your nose."


No offense to anyone who attended any of these schools.
 

Sergei

Gone Home
Messages
400
Location
Southern Belarus
Priceless...

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on
the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"son...what happened last night?"


"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran
into the door."


"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"


His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!"


Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38


Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
 
Messages
13,245
Location
Orange County, CA
Why do I feel like I'm out of my league???
Oh, I know. It says "Clean Jokes." :(

emoticon-cartoon-013.gif
 
Messages
15,572
Location
East Central Indiana
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage the USA has ever known. Following are a few of his observations:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience...and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 

LoveMyHats2

I’ll Lock Up.
Messages
5,196
Location
Michigan
Very good ones already posted, make me chuckle a bunch.

A short one....what do you call a female person that is always "stirring" up trouble?....

Miss Chief

Another dim witted one: The Pilgrims all came over here in 3 ships with Columbus to the New World, and those ships are the Pinta, Nina, Santa Maria....

So now, how did all the doctor's get over here?.....

(blood vessels).....lol!

One more then I will take my beating......hahah!

Athletes get athletes foot....and what do Astronauts get?.......

(Missle Toe)
 
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LizzieMaine

Bartender
Messages
31,503
Location
Where The Tourists Meet The Sea
This guy walks into a theatrical booking agency with a mangy-looking dog, and goes up the guy at the desk, one of those hard-boiled agent types. The guy's all excited and points to the dog. "I got the greatest act in the world here, the greatest act in the world! It's a talking dog! A Talking Dog, can ya believe that? I got one right here. Lookit, I'll show ya. OK Boy, what's my name? What's my name?"

The dog goes "Rlph!"

"See there, he said 'Ralph.' OK boy, what's on top of a house? What's on top of a house?"

The dog goes "Rffff."

"See, he says 'roof!' Good boy! Now, who was the greatest baseball player, the greatest baseball player?"

The dog goes "Rttttth"

"Good boy, good boy! See there, he said 'Ruth!'"

The agent's had about enough of this, and he kicks them both out of the office. And they're out there on the sidewalk, and the dog looks up at his master. "Gee, ya think maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
 

Atticus Finch

Call Me a Cab
Messages
2,717
Location
Coastal North Carolina, USA
The three-legged dog walks into the saloon and takes seat at the bar. He orders up a wiskey and downs in it a single gulp. After a moment, he looks around the room, eyeing some men at the other end of the bar. With a toothy, sinister grin...he says...

I'm here alookin' the man that shot my paw....

AF
 

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