Clean Jokes

Lawyers have the Implied Warranty of Merchantability which simply means that if you buy something & it breaks in two, then both halves are yours.

In other words, you're screwed!

 

Semi-clean joke.

TEXT TO NEIGHBOR:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make.
I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and
I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this.
The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home
recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Richard


NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second Text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Spell Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife”.
Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards, Richard

 

Hey! We in AL don't find that funny.

 

Sorry Greg. Deleted...

 

Damn, Bob. Sorry if you took me seriously. Every news interview after an event here involves a trailer park, mobile home community or anybody they can find that has more toes than teeth. Just making light of it.

 

You know what the difference between a tornado & a divorce in Arkansas is? Me neither, but either way someone's going to lose a damn fine trailer house.

 

George went on a vacation to The Holy Land with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the British Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United Kingdom for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the UK for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as £5,000. The Consul added that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him £150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do."
The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it’s not that," George replied. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"

 

Q: What would be the final note heard if you dropped a grand piano down a mineshaft?

A: A flat minor.

 

Latest quote from the president of the Flat Earth Society: "There is nothing to fear but sphere itself."

 

My wife has been making my pancakes too thin for years. I finally had enough this morning. I told her, "I've had enough of this crepe!"

 

That's priceless Jack! I can imagine the very same scenario with my son! hahaha

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large muscular guy, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The guy smiled and replied, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!"

 

Hahaha

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Stephen.

 

G

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Last week I left two Justin Bieber tickets in my car and some jerk broke in and left two more.

 

The whole world should be concerned if North Korea develops a rocket that can reach New York.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.