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If WWI was a bar fight...

Smithy

I'll Lock Up
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5,139
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Norway
Just got sent this and thought it was rather amusing, And before anybody gets their knickers in a knot, remember it's a joke!

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
 

Tomasso

Incurably Addicted
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USA
America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.
lol
 

1961MJS

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Norman Oklahoma
Hi, I most heartily agree. I did check to be sure that Bosnia was actually part of Austria then, I had forgotten. WW1 was effectively a family spat between three of Queen Vicki's grand kids, started by their unrelated neighbors...

later
 

MikeBravo

One Too Many
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Melbourne, Australia
OMG That was hilarious!

I especially loved the part about Australia and Turkey. My favourite part was "America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself" somewhat unfair to USA but close
 

MikeBravo

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Melbourne, Australia
An interesting note about "Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone" Britan and Turkey had been whispering in the corner earlier, but Britain stole Turkey's stuff.

Turkey had wanted to maintain neutrality. Usually to do this a nation needs to be able to defend its self. Turkey had raised money through public donations to buy warships from Britain, which was a source of great pride to Turkey. As the war began to look more likely the British First Lord of the Admiralty (some bloke named Winston) decided to keep the warships for himself. And not only that, he kept the money Turkey had paid for the ships!!!

So Germany popped in and gave Turkey a few rusty old ships. Even then, Turkey tried to remain neutral until they were attacked by the Allies because of their shipping lanes
 

dhermann1

I'll Lock Up
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9,154
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Da Bronx, NY, USA
Just between you and me. I think Serbia spilled beer on Austria's trousers intentionally. And this was just after Austria had decided to buy Serbia a beer.
And Germany and Turkey had been seen palling around the neighborhood for some time prior to the incident.
 

Widebrim

I'll Lock Up
Pretty good, mate, but I think that we Yanks, metaphorically speaking, hit Germany with more than just a barstool...Oh, and you forgot to mention the part at the end where Britain and France toss Italy some of Turkey's pocket change, and keep the big bills for themselves.
 
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Pompidou

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Plainfield, CT
I never did understand WWI and why the good guys were considered the good guys. Serbia assassinates the leader of Austria, and Austria's side become the bad guys in the end? Didn't make sense, no matter how many history courses I took. Then topping it all off with holding Germany responsible for the whole thing? Very shady business, the whole thing. I liked the story.
 

dhermann1

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Da Bronx, NY, USA
All in all, the losers were the states with the most outmoded, despotic and inefficient forms of government. They couldn't get out of their own ways. Germany had a "parliament" that had no real power, and a Kaiser who was the upper class twit of the century. Austria was a relic of the Middle Ages, and Russia. . . well, we all know how things went in Russia. Same with Turkey. The western powers had the magic of democracy. While democracy has its limits, too, it has shown itself to be competent to prevent countries from making the most egregious blunders, if only in the long run.
 
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1961MJS

My Mail is Forwarded Here
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Norman Oklahoma
All in all, the losers were the states with the most outmoded, despotic and inefficient forms of government. They couldn't get out of their own ways. Germany had a "parliament" that had no real power, and a Kaiser who was the upper class twit of the century. Austria was a relic of the Middle Ages, and Russia. . . well, we all know how things went in Russia. Same with Turkey. The western powers had the magic of democracy. While democracy has its limits, too, it has shown itself to be competent to prevent countries from making the most egregious blunders, if only in the long run.

Good analysis Mr. Hermann. One of Germany's primary problems was their military leadership. Tirpitz had built up the Imperial Navy and wanted to try it out against England. The German General Staff had be preparing the Imperial Army to take Russia for decades. The Serbian / Bosnian thing was just the excuse that they were looking for. Russia's Army leadership also had eyes on Eastern Germany. According to things I've read, both the Germans and Russians had called up the reserves and headed for the borders when Kaiser Wilhelm called the Tsar to try and call off the war. Apparently, they spoke in English. Didn't work, the heads of state trusted each other more than the military leaders trusted each other.

Later
 

MikeBravo

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1,301
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Melbourne, Australia
Hi, I most heartily agree. I did check to be sure that Bosnia was actually part of Austria then, I had forgotten. WW1 was effectively a family spat between three of Queen Vicki's grand kids, started by their unrelated neighbors...

later

Once again, the nail has been hit on the head. I have always maintained that this was the case, siblings working stuff out
 

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