The joke

[Spitfire]

January is sooooo long. Why not lighten it all up with some WWII jokes?

A start:
This is a true story I got from my father:
During an uprising in Copenhagen in summer 1943 the germans had a huge tigertank standing in front of the townhall for some days, in order to scare the population.
One morning there was a sign - in danish - on the tank: ICE CREAM.

 

[Hondo]

Military Humor

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial

flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the

man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently,m

in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married,

two sons, both surgeons."


After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a

tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired.

Married, two sons, both Judges."


After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to

introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,

"Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retire d

Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down

a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud

with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,

"Yours is."

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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel

was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up

the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,

"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass

along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your

good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently

impressed the young enlisted man, he asked,

"What do you want?"


"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied,

"I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

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Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!

Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

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Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

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An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting

in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with

their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave

to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put

that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put

it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse

smells like."

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"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman,

"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be

waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy,

I'm never going to stand in line again!"

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The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer

asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to

France previously.


"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for

inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."


"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports

on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he

quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44

I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

lol

 

[Fletch]

Two things about a Master Gunny

1. He would never have a twinkle in his eye. A glare, sure. A glint, maybe. Perhaps even a gleam, if arranging to father an admiral. But NEVER a twinkle.

2. "MG/Sgt U.S. Marine Corps," please. "Marines" are individuals (in the numerical sense only of course) or units. Otherwise it is always the Corps.

 

[griffer]

Aw, Fletch.

I knew a retired Gunny who was father to several, grandfather to many, and mentor to hundreds.

He had such a twinkle, you'd think he was an elf- or st. nick himself.

I took up bow ties because of him.

 

[Paden]

Not WWII, but funny

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the south to avoid a colision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[griffer]

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation...

Love this joke, but for the record, not true.

/not a criticism of Paden...

 

[Fletch]

He had such a twinkle, you'd think he was an elf- or st. nick himself.

I took up bow ties because of him.

Ah, so he was Old Corps.

 

[CharlieH.]

Adolf Hitler visits a psychic and asks him when he's going to die. The psychic tells him that he'll die on a jewish holiday. Hitler asks which one, and the psychic tells him "What's the difference? Any day you die will be a jewish holiday".

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A weary american soldier is riding a particularly crowded train on his way home. While searching for a seat, he encounters a snooty old lady with her poodle seating next to her.

The soldier - Ma'am, would it be too much if you put that dog on your lap so I can have the seat

Lady- Certainly not!

Soldier- Please. I just came back from Europe, I've been through hell for the last 3 years and all I'm asking for is a seat on this train. Could you please carry the dog?

Lady- Why, absolutely not! That is absurd!

Soldier- (increasingly frustrated) Miss, I've been shot no less than 30 times and I've saved the lives of 4 men in Germany. Can't you give the seat to a war hero?

Lady- No!

Enraged, the soldier grabs the pooch by the tail, opens the window and throws it out. The conductor witnesses the act and tells the soldier:

-Sir, what you just did is a disgrace! You threw the wrong b**ch out!

 

[griffer]

Ah, so he was Old Corps.

Yes- the kinder, gentler, cuddly Corps.

That's why they called 'em Teufelhunde.

(That's 'teddy bear' in German, the Corps earned that nickname when they snuggled with the germans back in 1918 over the Christmas truce. Truth. Swear. Snoopy sang a song about it.)

 

[bingolittle]

i have a dog that was born without a nose!.....how does he smell?.....awful!

 

["Doc" Devereux]

"I have no wish to know that - kindly leave the stage!"

Thank you folks, we're here all week. Try the veal!

 

[reetpleat]

Yes- the kinder, gentler, cuddly Corps.

That's why they called 'em Teufelhunde.

(That's 'teddy bear' in German, the Corps earned that nickname when they snuggled with the germans back in 1918 over the Christmas truce. Truth. Swear. Snoopy sang a song about it.)

I love that styory. There is amovie about it that came out this year and was mentioned here on the lounge somewhere.

Here is my entry. I was never in the military, but like this joke.

A depot enlisted man answered the phone and was told to get Colonel Jones's jeep ready. The enlisted man calls out, "Hey, get colonel Fatass' jeep ready.

the voice on the other end very angrily yells, " I heard that. Do you know who this is?"

The enlisted man replies, "No."

The voice replies, "This is colonel Jones!"

the enlisted man then demands, "Well, do you know who this is?"

The voice replies to the negative.

The enlisted man responsd, "Good, Fatass." and hangs up

 

["Doc" Devereux]

Truth. Swear. Snoopy sang a song about it.

I've got to find a way to use that phrase in conversation.