Clean Jokes

[jamespowers]

I was just thinking that many a time I have gone into a bar and heard some of the funniest jokes there. Perhaps it is a bit indelicate of me to assume that we can do the same here but I will posit forth an example and you all can chime in with your opinions.
Here we go:
Old Mule

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again.
Complain,...nag, ......nag; it just went on and on....
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. ....Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked. The man replied: "They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
LOL LOL LOL

Regards to all,

J

P.S. No mules were harmed in the writing of this joke.

 

[Marlowe]

This is an ethnic joke--a Norwegian joke to be specific. If you're Norwegian and might find it unsettling to have a joke told about your race, I implore you to find another post now, before your delicate sensibilities are outraged.

Furthermore, a Norwegian joke isn't just a Polack joke with Norwegians in it. A good Norwegian joke has a character all its own, and wouldn't sound quite right if you just made the characters in it Polish.

Anyway, here goes:

One day, up there in Minnesota, Lena was baking a pie for herself and her husband, Oli. As she stuck the pie in the oven and was about to get started on whipping up some cream to spread on the top, she realized the the cream had gone bad.

"Oli! Quick! Run down to the store and get me some cream!" she cried.

So Oli ran out and jumped in the car and drove off.

He returned quite some time later with a black eye and his clothes rumpled and torn.

"Goodness, Oli! Whatever happened to you?" asked Lena.

"Well," replied he, "I run down to the store like you told me, but they was all outta cream, so I figure I better keep going. So I'm drivin' along and I see this sign out in front of this building that says 'Crematorium,' so I stops in and I says, 'Hey, fellas! What's cookin'?'"

 

[Andykev]

Baseball Joke - A Who Done It?

This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ballpark. The game is
real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack
Daniel's with soft drinks.

Finally one of them passes out. Soon they realize that the bottle is
almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players
are on base?



Think!



Think some more!!




Ready?......


Answer:





It's the bottom of the fifth, one out, and the bags are loaded

 

[jamespowers]

Darn. I got all of it in advance except the part about the bags being loaded. LOL LOL

regards to all,

J

 

[jamespowers]

This is not a joke but it sure makes sense to me and in the end it makes me smile. So here it is:


I LOVE THIS COME BACK !!!!!!!!!
Originator unknown
As some of you may know, one of my sons serves in the military. He is still stateside, here in California. He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them also.


But he also told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the US flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock.

The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly, "yes, I always wear it and I probably always will."

The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi.

A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: "Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid."
Everyone within hearing distance cheered.

 

[Canadave]

The above tale originated in a chain letter. From www.breakthechain.org -

Tales of unappreciative foreigners getting their comeuppance at the hands of a quick-witted "patriot" are popular during times of war. The ethnicity of the rebuff's recipient varies with whomever the U.S. is currently at war, but tales of insolent Arabs have been plentiful since 9/11. Other popular missives in this genre tell of a Budweiser truck driver who pulls his company's product from a convenience store's cooler after supposedly witnessing employees celebrating the destruction of the World Trade Center and the Minister who shames a Muslim cleric into admitting that his is a violent religion.

There are two possibilities regarding the origins of the story above:

It is true, but was intended for a few recipients who knew the author well; or

All or parts of it are made up from whole cloth.

Unfortunately, as written, it gives no clues that could help us validate it. It's not dated and the author does not identify himself or herself, nor does he or she give the identity of the son (not even which branch of "the military" he serves). While we're told it happened in California, we're not told which city or even the name of the grocery store. Without these facts, we must label this one rumor. It is quite possible that the author assumed those who would receive it would know enough to properly categorize it. But, it's equally possible that it is fanciful fiction built around a long-standing tradition of urban legend.

E-mail cannot be relied upon to accurately convey information. As this one circulates, it is taking on many aspects of legend. Later versions add 'detail' absent from the one above, such as the "the whole store broke out in applause," and "the woman abandoned her purchase and ran from the store, ashamed." Also, some who have forwarded it have inadvertently added their contact information to it, setting them up for a case of False Attribution Syndrome. Break this chain.

 

[jamespowers]

Hmm. Interesting. That's ok. The next time I am in that situation I will make the story true myself.

Regards to all,

J

 

[Marlowe]

It has been my experience that Iraqis who live here in the United States of America are very supportive of American foreign policies. (With, perhaps, an exception it the case of our policies toward Israel.) I don't know for sure, but I'd bet that this story is apocryphal.

 

[jamespowers]

Originally posted by Marlowe
It has been my experience that Iraqis who live here in the United States of America are very supportive of American foreign policies. (With, perhaps, an exception it the case of our policies toward Israel.) I don't know for sure, but I'd bet that this story is apocryphal.

I am glad the ones you meet have been so supportive. Out here they are either silent or vehemently against US policy. I suppose it is no different from the general population out here though. I mean it is California. LOL LOL

Regards to all,

J

P.S. If you decide to come out here, don't forget to go to the largest Bum Petting Zoo---San Francisco. LOL LOL Don't forget change!

 

[jamespowers]

Hee Haw

This joke is one that I was sent not too long ago. I laugh everytime I read it. It also provides an interesting lesson to the young.

Regards to all,

J

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

LOL LOL LOL

 

[Michael Mallory]

Here's the funniest stupid joke I know (or maybe the stupidest funny joke):

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

Buh-DUM-bump.

 

[jamespowers]

Retired Car Nut?!

From one retiree to another:

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in
there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was
a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how
about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a piece of dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age!

 

[jamespowers]

New Redneck Test

I know we have all heard our share of these but there are a few new ones in here. LOL LOL


Brand New Edition of "You know you're a redneck when..."
>
> 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>
> 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
>
> 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>
> 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
>
> 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
>
> 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
>
> 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
>
> 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
>
> 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
>
> 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>
> 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
>
> 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
>
> 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
>
> 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>
> 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
>
> 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>
> 17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
>
> 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
>
> 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
>
> 20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
>
> 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
>
> 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
>
> 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
>
> 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

> 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
>
> 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
>
> 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
>
> 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
>
> 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
>
> 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
>
> And last, but not least...
>
> 31. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!

 

[jamespowers]

Subject: Efficiency Expert




Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize
the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the
soup pot and was then replaced.

This took an awful lot of Zeb's time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could
tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all. Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. but, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize, but also the Pulletsurprise.

 

[The Wingnut]

More redneck stuff, continued...

32. You've ever mowed your lawn and found a car.

33. Said car was on cinder blocks.

34. If your porch collapsed, it would kill more than 2 dogs.

35. Your porch has as much furniture as your living room, and more appliances than your kitchen.

36. Your pickup truck is so old, the radio still picks up Winston Churchill speeches and ballgames at the Polo Grounds.

37. There is at least one shotgun mixed in with the umbrellas by your front door.

38. When you take a walk, your wallet is on a chain and your dog isn't.

39. 'Dressing up' means that you put on a shirt under your overalls and shoes on your feet. Socks are optional.

 

[jamespowers]

Those were good additions. I will have to check my list for more Redneck qualifications.
Check out this one!


KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, went to a nearby
supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her
sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,
with both
hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to her car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open,
and she looked very strange. He asked her if
she was okay.
Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the
paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and
Linda
refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in,
they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gun shot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She had initially passed out, but quickly re-covered and tried to
hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to
her aid.
And yes, Linda is a blonde.
LOL LOL

 

[jamespowers]

Ways to Maintain Your Sanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Romantic Favors"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Age They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Crusher!.

17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile...Its Called

Therapy...

 

[Renderking Fisk]

Marlowe: Have you ever heard the one about the Norwegan who loved his wife so much he almost told her?

 

[jamespowers]

Originally posted by Renderking Fisk
Marlowe: Have you ever heard the one about the Norwegan who loved his wife so much he almost told her?

I like it.

 

[Marlowe]

I liked that one.

How about this one?



What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?

Trilingual.



What do Call someone who speaks 2 languages?

Bilingual.



What do you call someone who speaks only 1 language?

An American.