What's Your Favorite Joke?

[up196]

Just heard this one today . . .

A woman calls her husband on his cell phone one morning and says "Honey, be careful driving to work. On the radio they said there's some nut driving the wrong way down the highway."

The husband replies "Call that radio station and tell them it's worse than that - there are hundreds of them!"

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

The funniest jokes I've heard are the one's that weren't memorized. It was part of the conversation

 

[Dan G]

Come on now, these are stinkin funny!lol

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

 

[Diamondback]

Ok, here's mine.

If you need to clip it for religious controversialness do so, but I don't think it's bad.

Jesus is delivering his sermon about the prostitute whom the villagers wanted to stone. He finishes the last line saying: "Let the one amongst you without sin cast the first stone!!"

Suddenly from the back of the crowd a stone whizzes forward smacking the poor prostitute in the middle of the forehead and she instantly falls over dead.

Jesus frowns squinting towards the origin of the stone and finally says: "Mother, sometimes you really tick me off!!!"

Miss Joie, that is just plain wrong--but funny anyway...

 

[Joie DeVive]

Miss Joie, that is just plain wrong--but funny anyway...

I know!! That's what makes it so good!! lol

 

[carebear]

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?



Big fingers.

 

[Flying Scotsman]

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Say, fella...why the long face?"



Actually, my favorite ones are too long to write up well, or a bit too risque for the site, I think.

But I like the reminder about the Aristocrats joke! LOL!

 

[Novella]

So these three guys walk into a bar.

Ouch.



What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Look, donut seeds!

 

[Sweet Polly Purebred]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I didn't."

 

[Sweet Polly Purebred]

PAAAAHAHAAAHAHAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAA!!!!!!!

dv

...

 

[Hemingway Jones]

Yeah my fave would be deleted too, it starts like this "there was a young lady from Nantucket....

That's a limerick, not a joke.

 

[czack]

Don't anybody here quit their day jobs.

 

[panamag8or]

A woman is before the judge for shoplifting a can of peaches.

Judge asks her how many peaches were in the can.

She replies six.

Judge gives her six weeks in jail.

Husband hollers out "She stole a can of peas too!!"

 

[panamag8or]

Husband comes home, finds his wife packing. Says "Where're you going?"
She replies "To Vegas. I found out I can get $100 a shot for what I'm giving you for free". He says nothing else, gets out his suitcase and starts packing as well. She says "What do you think you're doing" He replies. "Going to watch you live on $100 a year."

 

[LizzieMaine]

This piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender takes a look and says "Go wan, scram -- we don't serve pieces of string here." The piece of string leaves, goes outside, twists around a bit, messes up his ends, and then walks back in. The bartender says "Hey! Ain't you that piece o' string I just threw outa here?" "No sir," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot."

 

[Daisy Buchanan]

That's a limerick, not a joke.

From the famous book "The Limerick"! My sister and I used to sneak peaks of it when my Dad wasn't home!! Funny book

I don't know if mines all that PC, and I don't think it's that good either, actually it's pretty silly but here goes:

How did the midget tell everyone he was gay?


He came out of the cupboard


And here's another very stupid one:

[EDIT: Hey, I don't want to hear about it, because you should know better! :eusa_doh: -HJ]

Golly if I had a day job, I would certainly not quit it!!

 

[BegintheBeguine]

My nez

What did the mayonnaise say when I opened the refrigerator?
"Close the door, I'm dressing."

 

[Daisy Buchanan]

There's a whole string of those awful jokes..
Like: "What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?"
ART.

I shouldn't know those, but I do.....

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs at your front door?

Matt


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob


And to mix things up a bit:

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a volley ball court?

Anette


That's all folks

 

[woodyinnyc]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in a pile of leaves?


Russell

 

[carebear]

A dog limps into a saloon.

Bartender asks, "Can I help you?"

Dog says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."